Podcast Episode #568
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Children of pastors often feel like they live in glass house. Today, we take a look at an older post from ThomRainer.com on their thoughts about being seen as a pastor’s kid.
Some highlights from today’s episode include:
- Pastors’ children will get a lot of negative feedback. They need to be encouraged greatly.
- We need to keep in mind that pastors’ kids are just that—kids.
- Don’t put pastors’ kids in a separate category from other kids in the church.
- Consultants don’t always tell you what you want to hear. They tell you what you need to know.
The seven things we discuss are:
- “Don’t expect more from the pastor’s kids than any other kids.”
- “Please offer encouragement to my children.”
- “Realize they are kids.”
- “Please don’t call them PKs.”
- “Please pray for my children.”
- “Our kids see and hear more than you realize.”
- “Don’t make me choose between my kids and the church.”
Resources mentioned in today’s podcast
- Church Answers
- Seven Things Pastors Would Like Church Members to Know about Their Children
- Pastors’ Kids – Rainer on Leadership #040
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Feedback
If you have a question you would like answered on the show, fill out the form on the podcast page here at ThomRainer.com. If we use your question, you’ll receive a free copy of Scrappy Church.
This applies to wives and other family members as well. Especially #7!!!
Yes. I had a separate post on that topic.
This was great!!! Thank you for this! “Our kids see and hear more than we realize” Thom Rainer
Enjoyed the podcast this morning, as well as thinking back to my years as a PK, a mark I gratefully own even still at age 48. It gave me a perspective on church that very few people have, and in my role as a lay elder it is invaluable. Gratefully, I was never made aware of people who thought I was misbehaving; rather, the higher expectations on us were placed there by my own parents, and I can only think of one time I felt that was an unfair burden. 1 Tim 3:4-5 teaches that elders must manage their households competently and have children that are under control. Exactly what that means would be a great podcast, but we took it to mean (as I do now with my own family) that children of elders/pastors should see in their parents examples of genuine faithfulness, and seek to emulate that. Kids that are out of control—not little children flopping on the floor of the narthex, but true patterns of wildness—will reflect poorly on a church leader, and can ultimately cause harm to his ministry.
I grew up in a pastor’s home, and can testify to these points. Even though my parents shielded me from much of the criticisms of church members, I swore that I would never go into ministry because I would not want to put my kids through it. BUT God has a sense of humor and I have been in ministry for over 30 years.
It’s amazing how poorly my kids are treated at times. We live in the parsonage next to the church. People sign up weekly to take care of the flowers around the building as well as by the the church sign and flags, which are in the yard of the parsonage. If my children are out playing in the yard while someone is serving in that capacity, some expect my kids to drop what they are doing and help them out -as though my kids don’t do enough already- little things that drive you nuts. We were also asked to keep the driveway swept. 🙁
All I can say is, yes.
I, too, grew up as a pastor’s kid, became a pastor’s wife (though I did not think I would ever be willing to marry a pastor but did so happily for 65 years). Now I am a mom of two pastor’s and have two grandsons who are pastors (1 a recent seminary graduate). Actually I never minded being a PK because I guess I liked special treatment.
Only in one pastorate did 2 of our children get criticized – for son’s hair too long and daughter’s skirt too short (neither of which was especially true in our thinking. That was probably our shortest pastorate!!
My wife is a PK. All I will say is that the unfair expectations placed upon her as a child has negatively impacted her to this day. Even now she is consumed with being as “perfect” as she can be. Try living like that as an adult! Try living WITH an adult like that!
Pastors need to take a bold stand when it comes to their families, especially their children, who should absolutely be off limits when it comes to criticism and negativity. They deserve no less.
Good points in the recording today.
Thom,
I think another good point to make mention is don’t be surprised if older ministry kids are distant. They have never had the privilege of staying in one spot for long period of time. I know there are some exceptions to this, but not too many. My kids have never been in one place more than five years. Because of the growing trend in pastoral tenure most ministry children have experience a lot of moves. And sadly they see this too often: the smiles that welcome them to their new church family to then to see the same smiles force terminated their dads and make them move again. Growing up in ministry makes it easy for people to live by the mantra: “Burnt once shame on you; burnt twice shame on me.” The actions of one church can radically alter the behavior of a child even in a welcoming environment. They don’t want to be hurt again having to pack up and leave friends. I wish people would learn that it is so much easier to “Move a letter” than to move your “Children’s stuff” The only area that I see a great similarity of the struggle is in the lives of military children.
Church really do need to think about how their actions can have lasting impacts of the pastor’s family.
It’s been said that pastors’ kids are always the worst. As a former pastor of mine said, that’s only because they hang around with the deacons’ kids. 😀 (Being a deacon’s myself, I have to admit there is a certain amount of truth in that!)
“Being a deacon’s *kid* myself”…. 😀
Being an assistant pastor, there is another dynamic that is worth noting.
My kids get much more attention from adults than other kids in the church. The blessing is that good people are taking time to make sure they invest in my children. They are always encouraging, uplifting and positive towards my kids. Even when misbehavior is noticed, from these people, my kids are not judged harshly. It is like the article says, “kids are kids.”
Where I think it becomes a point of issue is that my kids are the sole focus of these wonderful people. I am not being critical of them for their approach. For all I know, they may not even realize they do it. Yet, my kids are the only kids that get their attention. Other kids will walk by and stare at the attention my kids get. Again, as the article says, “our kids see and hear more than you realize.” As far as I am concerned, all the kids in our church should be looked at as “our kids.” Not just my kids.
All the kids in the church need encouragement. Not just my kids. As church members, we need to be cognizant of all the children in our ministry. There are kids that walk by you that need to feel loved. A “hey, bud… how are you doing?” Or, “Hey, Johnny, glad to see you here today. I am proud of you for coming to church.”