Podcast Episode #562
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When a pastor hears the phrase “People are saying . . . “, it brings a great deal of anxiety. But should it? Today, we discuss the reasons for the anxiety and how to deal with it.
Some highlights from today’s episode include:
- We should address grievances directly with one another in the church—not through gossip.
- Critical views are typically held by only a few in a church, but their size often gets magnified when they are anonymous.
- Criticism is often magnified beyond its real scope.
- The negativity of one criticism often feels 10 times greater than the positivity of one compliment.
The six reasons we discuss are:
- It is an unbiblical cop out.
- It fails to address the critic directly.
- It is usually magnified beyond reality.
- It is very much like an anonymous letter.
- It causes dissent and disunity.
- It is a diversion from what really matters.
Resources mentioned in today’s podcast
- Church Answers
- One Sentence That Pastors and Church Staff Hate to Hear
- Seven Considerations for the Church Leader Who Receives an Anonymous Letter
- Revitalize2020.com
Episode Sponsors
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Feedback
If you have a question you would like answered on the show, fill out the form on the podcast page here at ThomRainer.com. If we use your question, you’ll receive a free copy of Scrappy Church.
God and the neighborhood deserve exceptional results consistently from the service of local New Testament churches. Focus should be maintained on corporate activities producing that kind of results–specifically, on six things:
1. Common purpose
2. Clear roles
3. Accepted leadership
4. Effective processes
5. Solid relationships
6. Excellent communication
Deal with the “People are saying . . .” things but don’t be side-tracked by them. Remain focused always on the six characteristics of exceptional results-producing groups listed above–and tell folks who seem concerned that you are, “Hey, that’s what we agreed that God called me here to do, right?!”
See Triaxia Partners for more related info: https://triaxiapartners.com.
“People Are Saying Sources” – PASS. This is an acronym and response.
And can be a part of #6 above, as all sources of any info communicated are addressed/assessed–and can influence #5 positively, as statements/rumors are sorted-out as true/attention-worthy and/or untrue/not attention-worthy.
Good job! 🙂
In the secular world, there is strength in numbers. This helps groups to get what they want and exert influence. This works its way into the church via the “people are saying” language. In the church, one is the loneliest number, as the song goes. Rotary not only allows but encourages every single member to suggest and start a project. That is how the polio eradication program started. Churches do not really go for one person doing something or recruiting others to help with a project.
As I have dealt with that question, I have sometimes learned that the “People who are saying . . . ” is mostly about the person that brings you that message. Thus I have found an effective way to deal with that is to continue the conversation with the messenger as if it is indeed the messenger that has the concern.
To call a spade a spade, I will usually begin by asking the Messenger, “. . . and how do you feel about that?” or “And do you personally think that’s a problem? Their response to this will often answer that question about the real origin of the question.
And, when you dig deeper you may discover that it really is only a very small number with this concern, and often do not represent the highly committed/connected of the church.
A few years ago I had a situation erupt after a meeting at our public school. My oldest daughter was in show choir and we have a monthly parent meeting. After one of the meetings, two sets of parents came up and complained to one of my deacons whose son was in show choir with my daughter. This deacon then contacted another deacon and they approached me at church. He never clear told me what their problem or concern was with me. When I asked who the parents were he refused to tell me and told he he would have to ask their permission to reveal who they were. Wrong answer. I made it clear that I cannot deal with an issue if I don’t know who “they” are! Matthew 18:15-17 makes it clear that we are to go straight to the person and address it with them. That did not happen and then that deacon took this situation to the deacon board where it blew up. Some on the board wanted me to apologize to the parent group which I refused to do. It probably took six months to a year for everything to calm down. That deacon eventually left the church. To this day I have no idea who “they” were but I can safely guess that they were Christians who knew better. The problem we pastors face is that some people see us as “doormats” to be heard on Sunday morning and nowhere else. I could have definitely used Church Answers back then when that mess was going on.
Is it not appropriate for a church member to go to a deacon first about an issue, and then that deacon talks to a pastor/elder? Is the “chain if command” to be dismissed as gossip?
In my church we have a Pastoral Relations Committee whose responsibility it is to act as a mediator between pastor and church. If something is really serious, the pastor, deacons and the PRC all get together to discuss the issue. A church member can go to a deacon but we are not going to deal in “anonymous concerns.” The PRC knows that they will share the person’s name and concern. I am so proud of my current deacon board because we are not tolerating gossip in the church. They have recognized just how devastating that kind of behavior has been to the church. I have been in my current pastorate for 11 years and it has not always been lollipops and rainbows. I see God working and I better understand preparing for the “long haul” that is required to grow any church in the Lord.
That is frustrating, but I dont think the MOST frustrating.. The most frustrating comments pastors hear are passive aggressive comments and questions that end with “me” or contain the possessive pronoun “my”.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: if it’s not serious enough for someone to attach his / her name to it, then it’s not serious enough for me to worry about it.
What’s really frustrating is when an elder brings complaints to the pastor that way: “Somebody (and I refuse to say who because they came to me in confidence) said [blah blah whatever – insert an inane complaint here] and you need to do what they say.” Yeah, that’s always fun.
People Are Saying Situation = Pass the buck along
P-People
A- Are
S-Saying
S-Situation
Sometimes in my preaching, I use a name to describe the person much like what you described. You asked for an acronym, but I use an alliterated name: Bro Mitchell My-Way or Sister Sally Setinher-Way. Feel free to use!