Podcast Episode #501
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Critics are real in the church. And for many pastors, they are incessant. Today, we discuss how to deal with the constant critic in your church.
Some highlights from today’s episode include:
- Praying for a critic not only can change a critic’s heart, but can change your heart toward the critic.
- Our goal in resolving conflict should be reconciliation and restoration, not revenge and retribution.
- Too many pastors try to satisfy the most negative people in the church and end up ignoring the rest of the church.
- If you’re a leader, you can expect criticism.
The seven steps we discuss are:
- Pray for him or her.
- Request a meeting to attempt reconciliation.
- Help him or her to re-dream the dream.
- Ignore the critic.
- Recognize it is a reality of leadership.
- Ask others to help.
- Exercise church discipline on rare occasions.
Resources mentioned in today’s podcast
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I hope that, in this case, we are dealing with a real critical person, not someone who may have been a non-Christian, or a nominal one (especially from a different faith tradition), and doesn’t have a frame of reference from which to know if something is wrong or simply different.
I came from a traditional SBC background and eventually ended up at a “seeker sensitive” church. Apparently I must have asked the wrong question to the wrong person, because within three months I was told that “the small group is reconstituting elsewhere, and you’re free to find another group” (even though it met at my house) and where I was serving, I was told that “they lost my name tag, but they had heard I was leaving anyhow” (never said such).
Fifteen years later I’m nowhere near as active as I once was, and probably never will be again, since what that church does, is now the norm in churches across all faith traditions.
Asking questions can be dangerous. Kids asking questions even in Sunday school frequently results in one getting in trouble with the parents. Apparently the shema’s command to diligently teach the children has some unwritten words such as “in one direction while not permitting any questions whatsoever.” Young adults asking questions makes church leaders mad and the response or lack thereof frequently runs them out of the faith. It is why so many questions about religion these days are asked online and anonymously. It is safer.
Mark you are correct. Asking questions is dangerous. Specially if it is driven by scripture, not just an opinion. They can answer an opinion question easy, but not ones from scripture. The clergy system of church has been around 1500 years. It was not corrected at the reformation for the most part. “You are all brothers” is still meaningless. “…exercising authority…not so among you..” is still meaningless. They have tweaked these scriptures in their commentaries so it sounds plausible that you can do the opposite of Jesus’ clear words. Lay people are at a lower level and cannot “rebuke, correct, and instruct in righteousness” to a Pastor. I wish it were not so. Jesus is you Chief Shepherd”. Please him.
I think an eighth response (actually it should be the first) is that one should recognize that the critic might be right. Put another way, the critic might have a better idea or a better way to accomplish whatever he or she is being critical about.
One way to test the critic is to ask them to help implement the program or item they bring up in criticism. Once they have to put action behind words they either prove to be right or see the lack of basis for their criticism or find a different solution.
As a pastor, I know all too well about those who are critical. Sometimes it even comes from those who, at one time or another, were your most ardent supporters. Not being able to please everyone all the time tends to cause leaders, as Jesus did one time, ask the question “will ye also go away?”. He was not saying that as in telling them to go away, He was, since He was fully God and fully man, hurt that some did walk away from Him.
By nature, I am a pleaser. I would rather have harmony and peace than anything else. I pastor a church that is non and inter denominational. We have a varied background of individuals who come to us and we (I) have had to discern between questions that were and are asked. Is the person truly trying to “get the feel and understanding” of their new home, or is it someone who had a burr in their saddle “there” and it is still in the saddle “here”.
The key is wisdom, not ours but His.
Sometimes the person branded a critic is not a terrible person at all but one who wants the leadership to see the other side or is really trying to help things run correctly. Branding people is commonly done to make sure that they are disregarded. I am not saying that there are no critics who just have an axe to grind but some people are unfairly branded.
I found no one is willing to consider what the so called critic is concerned about. Even the former pastor at a Baptist Church told me to not worry about it and go play golf. And the retired pastor in the same building said we don’t teach Romans chapter 3 to the youth because we don’t want to offend anyone.
I agree with the concern voiced here. Sometimes the critic sees something you’re just not seeing yet and has a point. Is there any chance God is speaking through this person to reach you? Are they concerned about the color you painted the bathroom or are they concerned about the church’s lack of heart for your community?
My critic is the president of the church council and the treasurer of the small church (25-30 on a good Sunday). Many in the church will not speak against him, or defend me, in front of him.
This session was great in that I will request a meeting with him to discuss “our” differences, but I am seriously considering asking the third party to the meeting be someone outside of this church.
I hate to say it but the only way I can describe him is as a bully.
Managing conflict = people leave. Resolving conflict = problems leave–and they cannot come back because, in learning to resolve conflict, everyone must grow up, now can recognize a problem for what it is (a problem–not necessarily a person), and determine together not to let the group experience it again.
The greater the diversity of a group, then the more capable the group is–but with greater diversity comes higher potential for conflict. The choices seem to be either sacrifice the better results achieved via more capability in order to avoid conflict OR everybody grow up in skills of interpersonal communication and keep moving forward as a mission-active organization becoming more like Christ.
Accurate diagnoses (criticisms) of true/real organizational issues are needed for change to occur, but they are not enough. Criticizers also should offer workable solutions (prescriptions) that can result in organizational health, not more dysfunction. Then, they should become active in implementing the solution (i.e., help with therapy/treatment) in constructive ways (gotta help, not just gripe).
A ninth approach for the list above can be simply to change the subject every time a criticizer begins to speak. In a church where everybody avoided an elderly constant critic, I learned to change the subject from whatever he wanted criticize to “Hey, how are you feeling today? What’s the doctor saying when you see him?” everytime single time. Before long, he stopped sharing critical viewpoints and started a birthday card ministry instead (gave you a nice card on your birthday).
Or, be more direct–but loving. Agape love is: to pursue always, unconditionally, and despite all costs to myself the TOTAL WELLBEING of another simple because he or she is a treasure–and has become one to me.” Agape love cannot let personal or organizational dysfunction go unattended (cf., John 3:16); instead, it pays the price necessary in order to pursue complete wellbeing.
I don’t disagree, but it depends on who the critic is. It’s true that hypercritical people can be right sometimes (as the old saying goes, even a broken clock is right twice a day). Still, it’s hard to take someone seriously if they’re constantly criticizing everything. On the other hand, if the criticism comes from someone who isn’t normally critical, then it might be very wise to pay attention to it.
There is an important distinction between a critic and a complainer. We have let the concept of “critic” be hijacked to infer negativism, as opposed to “someone who offers a reasoned or expert opinion.”
A critic who is not grinding an axe can provide valuable feedback and advice. A complainer, however, can drain the joy and enthusiasm out of every circumstance.
We had a church business meeting like this a couple of years back.
We’re a congregation of about 500. There was one family with its tentacles in a couple of others that decided they didn’t like the “ministry focus” (by which they meant expository preaching, sermon length and delivery style) of the senior pastor and that it was time for a change.
One person suggested that, rather than replace the pastor, we just replace the people who wanted to replace the pastor.
That family quickly left along with most of their supporters. Those that stayed quickly learned that they were on the wrong side of the numbers.
The result was a noticable shift in the mood of the church for the better and those empty seats have been filled and then some. Addition by subtraction.