Podcast Episode #481
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Miscarriage is a difficult live event for those going through it. It’s often not handled well by ministers, either. Today we discuss how to better handle these events in life and ministry.
Some highlights from today’s episode include:
- You cannot “fix” someone after a miscarriage. Don’t try to.
- Pastor, you can’t fix everything in your church. You’ve got to realize that’s unrealistic.
- Wives want their husbands to be emotionally present after a miscarriage.
- No one fully gets over a miscarriage.
The six ways to minister that we suggest are:
- Be emotionally present
- Don’t minimize it
- Don’t try to fix it
- Encourage the husband to be emotionally present for the wife
- Remember them later
- The power of “I am so sorry”
Resources mentioned in today’s podcast
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I absolutely agree that we don’t know how to react after this loss. I’m very impressed that a pastor took the time to say, “I don’t know what to do, and I want to know.” Thanks for addressing this!
Thank you.
Ways to minimize….you’re exactly right. A lot of what we got was, “You’ll have another.” (Not sure how they knew that, but in that moment the thought of another child isn’t comforting.)
My wife and I have had two miscarriages. The first time it happened, I didn’t know what to deal with first; the shock of what happened, my grieving wife who dealt with postpartum depression, or my own hurt which was much greater than I expected.
I also felt like a jerk. By that time, I had been pastoring for about 7 years and hadn’t previously realized the full weight of how it impacts a parent. I kind of minimized the pain and grief associated with a miscarriage. I would brush it off as not as serious as losing a child carried full term.
Something else that occurred to me during that time (and I don’t want to start a political discussion here), is if a fetus at 12 weeks isn’t considered a child yet by some in the abortion debate, then why does it hurt a parent so bad when miscarriage occurs.
That’s a question that only seems to come up in the hearts of those who have experienced this loss, unfortunately. But you’re exactly right. 5 weeks, 7 weeks, 11 weeks – doesn’t matter to the parents.
One of the things that often gets overlooked when a miscarriage occurs is the father. There are all kinds of support groups for the mother, but few exist for the father. It is important for the church to fill that role. In a church of any size, there are probably numerous men who have experienced that loss. Being ignored in your time of loss always seemed (to me, personally) to be the hardest part of grieving the child. It’s like being told that you don’t really hurt because it didn’t happen to you. It happened to your wife. I don’t mean to minimize the grief of the mother by any means. And, I don’t suggest that the experiences are the same. But, both parents suffered a loss. And, both parents need our help through the grieving processes.
I serve in hospice as a chaplain/spiritual counselor. Losing a child, regardless of “age”, is in the top 3 losses a person can face (spouse & parent in the other slots).
There is much to be said about the power of presence. Just being there.
And stapling our lips shut. Duct tape works too. Grieving people have a big enough burden that we don’t need to add to it simply because *we* are uncomfortable in the situation because we don’t know what to say.
There is also much to be said about a HAND WRITTEN note.
As a pastor, using a church data management system could be invaluable with this. Why? To be able to track such losses as well as birthdays and anniversaries. Not something to share with the congregation, per se, but to have a stack of cards immediately to hand for a BRIEF (eg: 3 sentence max) note for the occasion, whatever it may be. Is it inconvenient? Absolutely. Relationships are like that.
Before the hospice patient passes, I try to send a note or two to aid in their grieving process: they’re losing everything–all of their loved ones. After the patient passes, I have notes “scheduled” (calls and texts too, if the family is open to them) at specific intervals. Again, no massive letters. The agency also sends a single rose to the home within 72 hours of the passing. (first note). And yes, I have a couple of “formulas” for each note so I don’t have to spend loads of time wracking my brain trying to think of what to say. I *do* include at least one factlet specific to that family/patient so they don’t come across as form letters. I often write them well in advance, during times I need a bit of “mindless” distraction. But I’m yammering now.
The only difference between losing a child through miscarriage “vs” losing a child later on in life is the balance between how much of the loss is the “potential” and how much is the “realized”. Both are always present, just in different proportions. Both must be grieved.
One last note: Losing someone is like having a limb amputated. A huge part of you is gone. Life will *never* GO BACK to normal. You learn a new “normal.” Thus endeth the sermon for today.
The worse thing I heard was a female children’s director say “you don’t know what God saved you from”. Be slow to respond, not quick to reply, not solution oriented like “have another one soon”. Mourn and comfort the loss of the parents. Love by listening and praying.
The worse thing I heard was a female children’s director say “you don’t know what God saved you from”. Be slow to respond, not quick to reply, and not solution oriented. Mourn and comfort the loss of the parents. She will need follow up health care. Love by listening and praying.
Here is a great book on the subject written by my wife: Hope for a Mom’s Heart https://www.amazon.com/Hope-Heart-Merri-Ellen-Wright/dp/1625638353/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1542147073&sr=8-4&keywords=hope+for+a+mom%27s+heart&dpID=51JCs5FuYZL&preST=_SY291_BO1,204,203,200_QL40_&dpSrc=srch