Podcast Episode #452
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Guest friendliness has been a constant theme on this blog and podcast over the past few years. There’s even a book that came out of these discussions. Today, we look at a classic post on the subject and unpack several ways churches actually push guests away.
Some highlights from today’s episode include:
- Most church members think the church is friendly—because members are friendly to one another.
- Safety and security of the children’s space at your church is of utmost importance—especially to guests.
- If your church has a welcome center, you need to actually staff the welcome center.
- Your church website needs to primarily focus on and highlight information for guests.
The 10 items we discuss are:
- Having a stand up and greet one another time in the worship service.
- Unfriendly church members.
- Unsafe and unclean children’s area.
- No place to get information.
- Bad church website.
- Poor signage.
- Insider church language.
- Boring or bad service.
- Members telling guests that they were in their seat or pew.
- Dirty facilities.
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Feedback
If you have a question you would like answered on the show, fill out the form on the podcast page here at ThomRainer.com. If we use your question, you’ll receive a free copy of Becoming a Welcoming Church.
The observing of one or more cliques causes a lot of first-time visitors to think twice about returning. I have learned in the past that cliques are often impenetrable.
Being asked multiple questions ranging from “where do you currently attend?” to “have you been baptized?” seemed more like an interrogation than a greeting.
“Cliques” are just people who know each other, I wouldn’t let that turn me away unless I was completely ignored by everyone, several weeks in a row (which has never happened). Keep your focus on why you attend church.
I respectfully beg to differ. People can know each other without it being a clique. A clique is a group of people who do not let anyone new into their group. Sometimes they might not even talk to someone new. I’m not going to go for several weeks in a row and try to break into a group. I know what it is to not be accepted. It’s like little kids not letting new people play in their sandbox.
I agree with Lisa. People naturally gravitate towards those they know and are acquainted with and there’s absolutely nothing wrong about that as long as they are looking out for others, especially strangers. I seriously doubt most people can identify a clique on a first visit.
I hear you Mark. When we moved to a new city we visited an AG church for three consecutive weeks and the only people who spoke to us were the pastor and the worship leader. Everyone else just stared at us. Very uncomfortable.
I spent several months looking for a Church in a new community. At one Church, my daughter and I just happrned to be sitting next to an elder and his friend. In the middle of the worship service, the elder bumped into my daughter and I while our eyes were closed and our hands raised in worship. He never even said a word twice. He could have effortlessly steped in front of his one friend to get to a quickly to an exit to tend to a chair that was out of alinement in the back. (Chairs that were not in the way and not used)
New visitors also come to worship- to find a home where they feel the focus is on Christ.
Perhaps number one should be that they never have any to begin with. We no longer invite people.
That’s not good!
I was a pastoral candidate at a church a few years ago and we had a nursery aged child. When we went to drop him off in the nursery, one man was watching the kids that morning. My wife was mortified! I’m sure he was a nice enough guy, but we grew up with and were used to the two adult rule, and one of those adults had better be a woman in the nursery. They had a Sunday night church service and once again, only one person in the nursery. I preached the service and my wife helped watch kids in the nursery. We’re not there. Thanks for the great reminders and info, and please keep repeating the obvious. Some people aren’t there yet.
Thanks, Joshua.
I’m sure you are meaning to imply, that isn’t the only reason you are not there. I’m sure.?.
They still do a stand up and greet at Family Church in WPBeach. I think if that’s the worst thing you do then it’s probably not such a big deal.
It’s certainly not the worst thing you can do!
It is nice to greet one another. In most cases people greet the ones they came in with or know. Having a team or other member in the service great many people as they can but don’t leave out the new visitors . Greeting thoughts around the new visitors will not make them feel they are singled out. Just friendly people.
This “stand up and greet” point is puzzling to me. I see both sides of the “argument” here, but I don’t understand why it is something “done wrong.”
I have personally seen (from first-time guests) both positive and negative results from a “stand up and greet”. Maybe I need to go back to a previous episode and understand the hang-up.
We have greeting and offering time combined. People bring their offering to the alter than having the plate passed. They greet each other as they do so. Kind of the 2 birds one stone approach.
Thanks, Daniel.
Some years ago my wife and I visited a church that touted themselves as a friendly church. What was interesting to us is no one spoke to us — until the stand and greet time and then it seemed like everyone in the church came over to greet us. Then when we left after the service, again no one spoke to us.
Sadly, those patterns are typical.
People tend to mill about before the service talking to and greeting people they know. Visitors seem to come in and sit in a discreet area often when the service starts. Before service it is hard to see who is who especially if there are many members who are up and moving around.
What I do once everyone us seated and service begins is I look around specifically for visitors and new faces so that during the greeting time I go find them and introduce myself. It is only weird when I introduce myself to a member I didnt know was a member…oops, lol!
This practice should be taught to the members at large. Members greeting members they know know befire during and after service is overkill if you are greeting visitors and newcomers. Indicates a inward rather than outward focus. The meet and greet time is for visitors!!
* correction: it is over kill if you are NOT greeting visitors
We recently moved back home after 23 years away and visited my sister-in-law’s church. The first Sunday she introduced us to some people who were very nice, and we returned a couple of weeks later, when she was out of town. Nobody spoke to us.
And yes, guests – and church members who are not “well-known” – HATE the meet and greet act.
Ouch.
Dr. Rainer asked to submit comments regarding personal experiences with attending a new church as a guest. I visited a church 45 min. south of Houston back in 1987. I introduced myself and was asked questions as to why I was in that particular town on the Texas Coast. I responded by stating that my husband and his company were doing a project for a docking facility. I was barked at in return. “That Florida company took our jobs here. You are not welcome .” I was devastated. It never occurred to me as the project was awarded by bid. Unfortunately, it was repeated at another church, same town, different denomination. For sixteen months we did not attend church. As I always participated in service, tithing, and the choir, it was their loss. I also wrote to the churches on “How Not to Welcome a Guest.” Those two churches now cease to exist.
That is really sad, Betty.
I’m one of those old fashioned people that make a concerted effort to walk around before service and greet as many people as I can.
Sometimes I have trouble getting away from a person that may want to tell you all about their problems,but I usually hit about 90% or so.
I always scan the crowd looking for new faces and I go to them first,which believe it or not can upset the regulars who apparently feel they’re being neglected if I don’t get around to them.
I’m just a regular attendee these days, but I still believe in making as many as I can to feel welcome in God’s house.
I know what it’s like being the new person and being ignored by the faithful,and it isn’t a good feeling.
Keep doing that. How wonderful it would be if many strove for that.
I once went to a church that did not have a nursery worker during the Sunday School hour so I had to sit in the nursery with my child myself
Ugh.
This stings me a little. While I would love to say we have hundreds of people attending my church and we have facilities to cover each possibility, the reality is, none of that is true. Why does that make my church “less appealing” to society?
We visited a church where the pastor made us (if not everyone) feel very awkward when he did announcements. Although he was a fabulous Bible teacher and a great, loving pastor, when he did announcements he would get angry, perhaps I should say, “passionate,” about local politics that affected the Christian school that the church ran and he would also seemingly chastise the people who were attending the midweek service for the lack of attendance, criticising those who were not attending make those in attendance feel like they had done something wrong because there were so few of us in service.
It took several attempts over several years to convince our church leadership to get rid of the greeting time during the service. The biggest obstacle was that our members really enjoyed that time. It was not until we spent a lot of time addressing the idea of being a welcoming place for outsiders and helping our people to see how uncomfortable that a stand and greet time is for a guest that we were finally able to make some headway.
One of the things that helped us make the change is that we encourage our people to come early, grab a cup of coffee and have a conversation with people before the service. And now, while we’re in the process of making some improvements to our aging building, we are creating a more inviting and comfortable place for people to gather before and after the service.
I don’t think our people miss that time in the service at all any more, and we’ve seen a much higher rate of returning guests since we’ve done away with the practice. I can’t attribute that completely to getting rid of the stand and greet time, but I do think it is an important factor.
I must say that I’m surprised at how many people continue to try and justify a practice that has been shown by valid research to make guests feel uncomfortable. But I also understand how hard it is to change a practice that so many people value.
One technique that is often helpful is, as you make small talk with a visitor, is to ask, “So what do you enjoy in your spare time?” then connect them (if possible) with someone who quilts, knits, golfs, ham radio, etc.
“If your church has a welcome center, you need to actually staff the welcome center.”
Simple but necessary!
We recently relocated and did a church search. We have found a wonderful, welcoming church home and it is growing.
But there are some churches we visited only once. Reasons: one facilty stank horribly of mold. With our allergies we almost did not stay that morning, and never returned. One had such a poor location we could not see making the drive every week. One the pastor was openly rude to newcomers, like we had to convince him we were worthy to attend. Some had very long very boring services.
And some seemed inward focused, as though only they had the truth, and as though it wasn’t their job to share it.
We are happy at our new evangelism focused church that is always reaching out. And busy. We reach out also.
The topic of standing up and greet one another in worship is interesting to me. Our church always incorporated that into our “before sermon” time but it was discontinued a few years ago. It was my opinion that it contributed to a not so friendly atmosphere. I have always thought that it would make a guest feel welcomed. Guess I am wrong according to Thom Rainer. I trust that Thom has done a study and interviewed many first time guests in order to come up with this conclusion. It is just very hard for me to accept as factual.
I took a friend of mine, who I’d served with in the Army, to my church after some serious arm twisting. I played on the worship team on stage and had a ringside seat to witness nobody talking to him during the “stand and greet one another” time. He had tatoos and an eyebrow piercing which I guess meant “untouchable” at the theologically conservative church I went to. Sure he was no scrubbed angel, but nobody approaching him? This happened two weeks in a row. Needless to say I didn’t have any luck getting him back there. I did approach a deacon I greatly respected about this, not out of anger or anything, but out of, “we need to have a serious look at ourselves as a church”.
I’ve moved to a new city and a new church but needless to say, the “stand and greet one another” time, of which I was already not a fan anyway, remains at a low level in my estimation.
I share this as an example for us all (I’m currently on our First Impressions team at my current church) that while we might think we’re friendly, we all need to ensure we treat those who don’t look like us with a warm, sincere greeting, valuing them, with the accompanying prayer that they see something different in us.