“Hey, I’m not on the church payroll. Go complain to someone else!”
The moment the words left his mouth, he knew he blew it. His wife was the church’s children’s minister. Too often he received complaints about the ministry as if it were his responsibility. On that one occasion, he lost his temper after one complaint too many.
We often lose sight of those in churches whose spouses serve on staff. These are the spouses of executive pastors, youth pastors, children’s pastors, lead pastors, and others. We have heard from these spouses through thousands of comments at ThomRainer.com.
We want you to see the six issues we have heard most frequently. We want you to be aware of them so you can offer ministry, encouragement, and friendship to spouses of those who serve in the church. Sometimes those are among the loneliest people in the church.
Here, then, are six of the most common ways ministry spouses get hurt:
- Complaints about their spouses. A student ministry spouse heard complaints for months about her husband. The great tragedy was when the head of the personnel committee told her that her husband was about to be fired. The husband had not heard that news.
- High expectations about ministry involvement. A pastor’s wife shared with us about an elder calling her house looking for her husband. Upon informing him her husband was not in, the elder asked her questions about the upcoming elders’ meeting. When the wife was not able to answer, the elder complained about her lack of knowledge about what was going on in the church.
- Complaints about the children. One of the ways to inflict the greatest pain on someone is to attack his or her children. It is beyond belief how many church members expect a model of behavior for the minister’s family well beyond expectations of their own families. Cut a child and the parent bleeds.
- Isolation. Some church members don’t know how to interact with ministry spouses, so they ignore them altogether. Vocational ministry can be lonely. Being the spouse of a vocational minister can be lonely as well.
- Gossip and murmuring. Some churches have a modest level of gossip and murmuring. Other churches are pretty vocal with gossip and murmuring. At some point a spouse of a minister will hear something about his or her spouse. That hurts. That hurts a lot.
- Going to the spouse with problems about the minister. A worship minister shared with us this tragic story. He was caught up in some worship wars, an all too common reality. The worship leader, however, was pretty thick-skinned, and moved forward despite the criticisms. When the critics saw they were not making progress with the worship leader, they began to attack his wife with their issues. She went into deep depression, and the worship leader ultimately left the church for his wife and family.
It is indeed tough to be in vocational ministry. But it’s also tough to be the spouse of these ministers. Pray for them. Encourage them. Befriend them.
Let me hear from you.
Nothing ticks me off more than using clergy spouses for ulterior purposes or as an issue in an evaluation.
Boundaries are critical in all relationships – perhaps not more important than here in clergy-congregation relationships. Every couple must set their own boundaries as they see fit. But do it early and enforce them tactfully.
Well said, Jim.
Agreed. Boundaries such as those the Lord has difined between men and women. All too many ignore them.
Sometimes you have to set those boundaries, even if it includes looking at your boss and respectfully letting him know he will not cross a line regarding your spouse.
we need wisdom to handle every believer coz all of us important in the fellowship of christ
This really isn’t a reply to the comment, but was the only way I could find to comment on the article.
I am a close friend of the wife of a former pastor, and as such, I’ve been here sounding board for much of the hurt she and her husband have experienced because of treatment by people in churches. I ache for both of them, and continue to just be there to listen, care, keep their confidences, and pray for them.
My friend has experienced her greatest pain when petty divisions in a church have resulted in them being forced out of churches, and she is suddenly abandoned by all the people in those churches she thought were her friends. Between that and feeling like when they are pastoring a church she has to live up to the expectations of congregants, she is now saying she doesn’t ever want them to pastor another church. Her husband is a gifted teacher/pastor, and this is a great loss to ministry. I’ve seen way too much of this in churches where there is no empathy and humanity in the treatment of pastors and their wives.
My opinion –
For the husband who had to deal with complaints, because he is her “head”, I believe he needs to accept that role and respond with love.
This is the main problem with allowing women to take positions of authority rather than men.
Once you attach the title of minister or pastor to a woman in the context of the church, it us a departure from God’s order.
The term “director” would be better in that case.
The church should also make it clear that any complaints should be directed to the pastor/pastors of the church.
Rich,
In the most Christ-like way I can say this…you are an idiot. I pray that your church has patience with your lunacy.
Nice – I support your freedom to share your opinion.
Blessings <
Well said!
Rich is correct. The bible is clear regarding sex roles within the body of Christ. Our feminized culture has moved so far away from Christ that it has become normal to ignore scriptural sex roles in favor of our secular matriarchy.
Perhaps if men were afforded the respect scripture describes then more men would be willing to be more participative. In this current anti-male culture many men are leery to put themselves forward.
“For the husband who had to deal with complaints, because he is her “head”, I believe he needs to accept that role and respond with love.
This is the main problem with allowing women to take positions of authority rather than men.”
You do not go to someone’s spouse in this day and time. Women are no longer chattel at least in the western world.
Mark, I find your comment “This is the main problem with allowing women to take positions of authority rather than men.” very concerning. How often folks have asked and asked for someone to step up to the plate to work with teen boys or children in general and no MAN would come forward, he was too busy or that was not his calling, etc. If you look at all the ministry in many churches, there are many, even unpaid ones. The person that is leading them is in a position of authority and often many of these positions fall to the pastors wife and since my bible tells me not to be a judge, that is not my job. But my heart goes out to the Pastor and his family because I have seen the hurt and many have left the church because of the treatment by people and/or the board.
You raise an important point. As a pastor, I’m a strong believer in male leadership in the church. When I preach on this subject I usually make this comment, “We often hear it said that many churches would die if it weren’t for the women – and that’s true.” At this point I usually get a lot of “amens” from the men. Then I add, “Men, that ought not so to be!” That brings out a lot of “amens” from women!
If you would let both genders be or take turns in leadership, the problem would be solved.
Amen!
My point went right over your head, didn’t it?
Joyce, I did not make the comment. I quoted Rich R above.
So, she can do the same work, just so long as she has a different title, and that’s ok?
And also, she should probably not be ordained, or recognized and supported and blessed by her home church, right?
Are you also ok with her not getting the same pay that an ordained minister would get? And the same tax benefit in the form of a housing allowance exemption?
So long as it’s separate, but equal, I suppose.
Sometimes being a man is stepping up to protect your family from undue criticism. That means you correct the person who spoke or behaved inappropriately with your spouse or child. It is an opportunity for you to show your family that they come before your ministry and it shepherds the erring believer.
Of course, there are horror stories aplenty of men who handle this properly and still have to leave their present ministry. But, most of the time when you assert yourself as a leader in a gentle but firm way, you’ll find that those who love Jesus will support you.
Some of the most incredible outpourings of love and care from our church family have come after a hurtful incident such as family members being unduly criticized.
These things worsen when we as men do not step up to the plate with courage for our family members.
Amen.
I believe that those who appointed by God they will always conquer,as they will seek Him for answers in every situation they are facing,critics will be always present.
The spouse is not a free employee. Sometimes the spouse is a highly educated professional with his/her own career. While it is admirable to offer “ministry, encouragement, and friendship to spouses” I hold leadership responsible when things get out of hand and they refuse to rein in the troublemaker(s). Even if a woman is the pastor, you take up your issue with her, not her spouse. If the pastor’s child(ren) act no worse than other children, leave things alone. Going to the parent(s) about their children is a rapid way to cause all manner of problems.
I agree. At one church my husband and I were hired as a “package deal” where he was the full time youth/assistant pastor and I was expected to be the full time, in-office secretary for a shared salary that was barely enough to live on. We had a 1 hour commute each way, and a one tank of gas per week allowance. We mainly took the position because my husband was finishing up Bible college, and this position served as his internship, but we really felt that the Lord could use us there, and we hoped to stay on after his graduation. However, the senior pastor continued to pile responsibilities on us, expecting us to be there 6-7 days a week. My middle school age kids were told that they had to be in a certain dress code (my daughter couldn’t wear “pants”) to the church office, although there was rarely any walk-in traffic. We were promised things that were never given, all the while being run ragged. Honestly, as a ministry wife, I would say we have been hurt more by other church leadership than by congregants.
Thankfully, the Lord has now allowed my husband to pastor a small church where he is loved and supported by the elders and deacons. We still have struggles, of course, but we feel loved and appreciated, and for that we’re thankful!
To this beautiful lady, I would like to first THANK YOU for being there. for your Husband and family. So sad to see folks hurting the wife and family because they do not agree with the Pastor or rules of the church. You are so right when you say, there needs to be time for your family. Sounds like your in a good place now and I hope this church will continue to love and support you and your family. It is so sad to see this happen and the only way I could protect one of the church families when I attended a church was to keep my ears and eyes open as we had several trouble makers in the church that were women. So when I knew they were headed to the Pastors home I would call ahead and ask her and the kids to go out with me just to get them out of the war path. Often I could not make it there in time, and would always see the Mom with a smile on her face but with a heavy heart. The kids would hear it all and they were so hurt, so this does happen and happens too often. Wish you and your family the very best!
So sad to read of your experience and the legalism you had to deal with.
I almost made the same mistake because all I wanted following Bible College was to serve in ministry.
Went all the way to Florida at my own expense to be “interviewed” by the pastor of the church for the “job” of youth pastor.
$250.00 a week salary, period. And, for every family I recruited for church I would get a bonus. Nice.
Ministry must be based solely on the Word of God and it can be a blessing.
Rich, you stated that ministry must be based solely on the Word of God. But you contradict yourself by implying that sex roles are merely legalistic. Very in-congruent my brother………..
I agree.
Spot on. Thank you.
Thom, any tips for married couples who are both paid staff members at the same church (working in different ministries/offices in the church)?
Joy –
Basically, if each of you does your work, there should be no major issues. I do not allow at my organization spouses to be in the same department, but your situation seems clear and clean.
What about pastors who have their spouse as the children’s pastor, or in another role that reports directly to them?
Great article, thank you. Though young, having been in full time vocational ministry for 6 years, I have seen this reality play out in my own family. In my previous church someone approached my wife and said some hurtful things. This was dealt with and we learned from this; but it makes those that truly love and encourage one’s family in ministry really stick out as a blessing. This reminder can serve as a reminder to all of us that ministry is important but it cannot trump one’s family. Spouses and children must come first, they are the first people that we are called to minister to.
Blessings!
So true.
You could use a “like” button on here. 🙂
Dr. Rainer,
Great post. Early on in my ministry I told my wife everything that happened at church, both good and bad. I quickly learned that I was putting a burden on her that she didn’t need to carry. People routinely come up to her to talk about an issue and she honestly says ” I don’t know what you’re talking about”.
A husband, whether he is a minister or not, should allow no one to complain about / verbally abuse his wife or children to him. People will run all over you as long you let them.
Well said, Kenneth.
I am a pastor’s wife and was a pastor’s kid. I read this article with tears in my eyes – ESPECIALLY the comment about isolation – because it was such a comfort to see that someone understands. I would not choose the church I currently attend if my hubby were not the pastor. I had such high hopes when we first came. But the constant criticism of my choices – not on the right committees, not involved in the right ministries, etc. – combined with the fact that a Christmas Eve service keeps us from visiting family together for the holidays and no one ever invites us to be part of theirs . . . Sunday morning is a very lonely time for me.
You are in my prayers right now, Mary Jo.
Thanks so much! I play piano on Sundays – mostly because I’m the most qualified – and I don’t enjoy the fact that it feels like an obligation.
I can totally resonate with you….here’s a condensed version of my story. I was in full-time ministry as a single, then at age 31, married the youth pastor! (Talk about being in a goldfish bowl!) After a couple of more years being there, the head pastor felt like my husband was not “clicking” with the teens (After around 5 years!), he was let go and chose not to stay on to work in the Christian school, which was offered to him during the chat. This was very hard for me, as I had been there for 12 years teaching in the Christian school and knew everyone so well. 🙁 Then, we found out about a small church an hour away who needed a pastor, because their current pastor of over 30 years was retiring. We have been here for about 7 years now, and have also added children (foster-adoption) to our family. The former pastor and his wife are still in the church, and there have been problems because of them (gossip, secret meetings, etc….). I have been truly isolated, as the very few people left in the church, who are mostly older folk, continue to gravitate towards the former pastor and his wife. I also help with the nursery and children’s ministries, and it’s mainly my kids. So, fellowship time and hearing the preaching is hardly there for me. My husband has connected with several people, many of whom don’t attend regularly, but he finds the time to disciple them, show hospitality, etc. We have been sensing that we need to move on, but are waiting on the adoption of our sibling group of three before we make any decisions. For the last couple of years, I’ve been trying to be content where I’m at, show hospitality at our home to others, joined a MOPS group to make friends, etc., but it still hurts that I can’t have a lot of interaction/fellowship with the people in our church. Thanks for this great article—wish every member of a church could read something like this.
You are in my prayers as well.
My wife has felt the same things through the years.
This is a needed topic. SO much hurt caused by church members.
When I was serving as a chaplain in a Chicago hospital, this was not a concern. My work stayed at work. Yes, I worked my darnedest at the hospital, but my husband did not hear about the specifics. (HIPAA, you understand.) Also, thanks to my chaplain training, boundary setting, and psychological preparation, I know how potentially damaging it is to verbally vomit all over someone, even a significant other. (That’s why I have a therapist, an accountability group, and a spiritual director.)
However, now I work as a pastor in a small church in the Chicago suburbs. Having seen ministry spouses get crap in the past (at several former churches), my husband is not keen to attend the church that employs me. In other words, I KNOW about this problem of ministry spouses. My husband has taken precautions beforehand in order to avoid this very situation. It’s a loss for the church, but perhaps a cushion of safety and relief for both my husband and me. Again, thanks for this needed topic. @chaplaineliza
Thank you, Elizabeth.
Great Article, Some churches will run over a minister if you let them.
I have had my own experiences as well and I might add all of the above,
To be a Pastor one must be a leader and listen to God and the Holy Spirit. He must be tough enough to enter the battle arena and yet be tender enough to help those who struggle, I never run from a battle unless it is useless to continue. I Love the Ministry and helping people and I may write a book on these subjects and my experience as a Minister.
It is sometimes necessary to take a Sabbatical and process everything and pray for Gods Grace and understanding on how to move forward in the most noble Profession and calling on earth.
I have looked on at some great churches and watched as they ate ministers one right after another while board members would say, ” God sent me here to keep you in line ”
I would like to finish with this one word, Proverbs 11:14 ” Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety. KJV
Keep the faith and never give up on your calling and never let your heart be hardened.
God Bless you all
To you as well, Robert.
Well written article. Points out some very good areas of need most churches would do well to work on. While my wife is one of the most loved staffers as the preschool ministries coordinator I have volunteered both in that ministry and others. Each ministry spouse has to set their boundaries that work for their family and their passions in ministry. I have not heard complaining about my wife but sure identify with the loneliness issue.
Thank you, Al.
I am a pastor’s wife of 14 years and currently serve as the volunteer worship leader and sign language interpreter. I have worn MANY hats in the, almost 11 years we have been at this current church, but have really experienced a level of criticism from our church attendees/members that has been both damaging towards me as the worship leader and towards my husband, as the pastor. We have worked our tails off for this church in ways they will never know. Yet, they expect more and more and more. And to add to all this…I work full time-outside the church and home that requires crazy hours and long commutes. The expectations the church people may have for me as the pastor’s wife are quickly squashed and checked because I have no hesitations to give them a run-down of all the things I do for the church as well as the 4 million other things I do and are responsible for. That normally quickly squashes anymore unreasonable expectations put on me. I would advocate that the spouse that may intercept the criticism about the other spouse quickly squash it and put that person in their place as far as judging it putting unreasonable expectations on them, their families, or children. Which we have also had people complain about our boys (ages 10 & 8). My question to those having the issues, are they willing and able to produce all that the minister and his family do in a better and more effective manner than that which is being done? If not, they have no right to voice a complaint, especially to others within the church. That causes division and disunity. And that is unbiblical!
I hope other readers will pardon me for saying this, but… YOU GO, GIRL!! 🙂
My husband has been a pastor for 6 years. It has been super rough in this respect. I stay home with our 3 children (4 in a few weeks) which seems to mean I have nothing else to do but lead every little thing that is church related. I cannot do it. And when I do I get negative comments from some and it sends me for a tailspin. I need your toughness! We literally are sinking right now and sometimes just want out altogether. It gets so wearisome when every other day someone is saying tiny underhanded comments. They always hit their mark. 🙁
I am a lead pastor, but resonate with the experience of the worship pastor whose wife was attacked when they couldn’t get to him. Incredibly hurtful. What’s worse is that my governance board facilitated the personal attack on her which was based solely on hearsay. My wife already suffers and manages chronic depression and anxiety. For the first time in my life, I’m also on anti-depressants.
Sam Chand’s book on pain was very helpful to me. Pain is part of the landscape of leadership. Though I know the attack on my wife was evil, we have also thanked God for the experience so that we’ve had to depend even more on him.
I have tried to reconcile with my leadership and the perpetrators of the assault but they do not seem to have the capacity to admit any wrongdoing. They just keep piling on. Understandably, I have been in an active search mode for several months.
Thanks for this necessary post. Ministry spouses must have some special kind of crown reserved for them in heaven.
I am so sorry for you and your wife. We know too well the heartache.
As s pastor’s child I can testify that my behavior was open fodder for criticism and judgment. My brother could not handle that spotlight and pressure and crumbled into despair, rebellion and depression resulting in his early death. Of course no one blames my father’s job. But my dad was harshly judged for not controlling his own child. And my brother didn’t need an audience in his life. But pastor’s families have just that- an audience. I now offer to babysit my pastors’ children so they can take time away and write them encouraging notes about their parenting. It can make all the difference in the long run.
Which is what parishioners should do! Applauding, now.
These happens are not exclusive to the ministry vocation. It happens also to those of us who served in voluntary ministry positions. I served more than 20 years in voluntary music ministry and 10 years as bi-vocational music minister. My wife and I have also experienced these same things.
These happenings are not exclusive to the ministry vocation. It happens also to those of us who served in voluntary ministry positions. I served more than 20 years in voluntary music ministry and 10 years as bi-vocational music minister. My wife and I have also experienced these same things.
I came to a church right after finishing my college degree as the Associate Pastor/Minister of Music & Youth. My father-in-law was the pastor so my wife was really caught in the middle of everything. People would complain to her when there was a problem they were having with her dad and/or me. It almost drove her from the church.
Thank you sir for sharing these problems that spouses have with those who are in the church.
From a recent blog post of mine:
No ministry experience has been more painful for me, as a wife and mother, than when my children were unduly criticized because their dad is a preacher. At the same time, no ministry experience has been as heartening as when our church has loved our children as their own.
This post is spot on!
If there are legitimate issues with the pastor’s or staff member’s family, they should be dealt with through that pastor or staff member. It is cowardly to try to get to the pastor or anyone else by using their spouse or children. If a church is willing to stoop to that level, I’d suggest that it’s time to find another place of service, since that church clearly has no respect for boundaries.
Appreciate this post and think it is so needed. My husband and I are fortunate to be at a wonderful church that respects him as a minister and myself as a valuable lay leader with separate strengths and gifts. We have not had to deal with any drama on that front so far, although I have certainly seen my fair share of it.
One thing I’ve personally dealt with that has the potential to be damaging is being put in the position to be the messenger for my husband. Simple requests like “Can you have him put this on social media? Can you have him put this in the bulletin? Can you have him calendar this event?” put me in the position of making yet another “honey-do list” and him feeling like he has let me down if he is not able to carry out the request. It’s completely natural–using one spouse to pass along a message to the other, but once you’ve been there it’s easy to see how this can add tension to a marriage and blur the lines between work life and home life. I learned very quickly that I must ask people to share their requests and messages in person instead of through me.
what I would like them to understand is that we need family time. I asked that no one call the home phone after 9 pm, but if they needed to reach my husband he would have his cell phone. Nine years later it still gets thrown in my face that we are unavailable.
In my opinion, that’s why they invented answering machines and voicemail. I know it sounds terrible for a pastor to screen his calls, but sometimes I just have to do it for the sake of my sanity – not to mention my family’s sanity.
Most of these comments serve to remind me of a powerful truth that I learned a long time ago: there’s no hurt like “church hurt”. After far too many instances of watching my wife have her heart broken by church members,including staff,and then noticing what it did to my teenage daughter I walked away from all of it after 40 years of ministry.
As much as I love the church, I will never subject my family to that kind of treatment again,and I would encourage any church leader to rethink their priorities if they are enduring the things I have read in this post.
Much needed articles like this explain why so many ministers are leaving full time ministry in order to protect their spouses and children from such abuse. Some churches can be compassionate but more seem to not be able when it come to the spouse suffering from a mental illness, particularly if they have to be hospitalized from time to time.
Excellent article. What I loved was begin introduced as “the music minister’s wife” not even Mrs. Baskin or giving them my first name. The thing about church work is if you are married to a minister many expect you to be unpaid staff. A great book for those just getting into ministry is Boundaries.
Thank you for the post! I am a pastor and I am sometimes worried that my wife will get burned worse than me because of my role. I appreciate your post, because it can be a helpful reminder for people to consider how a pastor’s wife can be hurt by their comments and actions.
I can still feel a chill from getting the icy cold shoulder from people at our last church who didn’t like how my husband did his job. (Collateral damage from being a youth pastor’s wife.) I try and try to grow a thicker skin, but getting hurt hurts. No getting around it.
A comment above said we should not work at places that subject ministry families to this kind of treatment. To that I say, when you’re called, you’re called. It’s not so easy to just pick up and leave because people behave badly. As hard as it is, I think it’s part of the deal. Most people treated Jesus poorly too. Just one wife’s opinion.
I respect your commitment, and it’s true that some things in ministry just come with the territory. Still, some forms of behavior are out of bounds, and the pastor’s family comes first (1 Timothy 3:5). I’m just speaking for myself, but I would not be willing to subject my wife and kids to abusive behavior. Many pastors’ kids end up abandoning the faith because of such abuse, and that’s not a price I’m willing to pay. If you fail in ministry, you can always try again, but you only get one shot at raising a family.
I don’t know you, so please don’t think I’m judging you. I’m just offering another perspective.
When I got married, my Pastor gave me the best ministry advice. He said that people would come against my husband and because I know and love him, I’ll want to defend him. But that’s not my job. My job is to pray for him. I can’t even imagine how much God has protected me because of that simple advice. I know that people pray for my husband, but God convicted me years ago that I better not let any woman pray for my husband more I do… with the exception of his Mom 🙂
Thank you for this article. My husband and I graduated from SBTS while you were on staff there and always appreciated your ministry, especially your books.
This article hits so close to home. After serving almost six years on staff at a church in Calhoun, GA, things got really ugly when my husband supported our youth pastor who felt called to start a local church plant.
A small minority did not like that my husband was “educated” as they had never had a pastor before who had been to seminary. After we adopted two children internationally, these families decided it was time for us to go. They did not want any “Mexican” blood polluting their church. After attacking my husband did not get the desired results, they came after me and our children. I was so nieve to think that no one in the church would ever mistreat a child to get what they wanted. When we started pulling in the church parking lot and our 18 month old started crying “yucky church”, my eyes were opened. My husband was told point blank they were going to “make our lives hell” until he left, and they weren’t lying!
So, six years later, our entire family still bears the deep scars from this experience. I’m still praying that one day we will be fully healed.
Anyway, thank you for bringing awareness to this. I certainly never thought it could happen to us!
Sigh….stories like yours make me wish that more people in church (not just the leaders) had the wherewithal to look these cruel church people in the eye and ask, with all seriousness and concern, “Why are you doing Satan’s work?” 🙁
My heart aches for you and your family as I read this. May God bless you and your husband for adopting your two precious Hispanic children. What they said about them was horrible and I have learned to never underestimate the meanness of some church members.
23 years ago in my first pastorate, my family and I went through something similar. A faction in the church decided it was time for me to go, and when I would not resign, they too went on a campaign to make my life miserable. To this day I do not understand or know what this group actually wanted – other than for me to leave. The church was doing well, experiencing nominal growth, giving was good, bills getting paid, the music was uplifting, the Word was preached, and most people indicated they were being blessed. Yet, this faction in the church was dissatisfied and wanted me gone. During an ugly business meeting (one of many), in a moment of exasperation, I asked their ring leader to tell me and everyone else exactly what this group in the church wanted – what was the problem?! He angrily said I didn’t visit enough, wasn’t in the church office enough (both of these are golden oldies for malcontents), and there were problems with the church bulletin – oh horrors! When I refused to resign, they began attacking my wife and kids. “Your wife is unfriendly and your children are out of control.” My kids at the time were ages 1,3, and 7. Yep, those kids were tearing the church down. After numerous ugly business meetings, which I now call BM’s for short, a deacon called for a confidence vote, which I won by a vote of around 40-15. The faction hung around a few more months, but eventually left. I stayed on another year before leaving for another church where we stayed for 20 years.
I am now out of the pastorate, but still doing ministry, although bi-vocationally.The experience I described scarred me for life, as I am sure your experience did also. But God is faithful and He brings healing and grace. The key is to remain faithful, hold to God’s grace and His call, and resist the urge to grow bitter. You are not alone as you see here.
God bless you.
I met and married my husband when we both were in ministry at a church. Over the last 34 years of our marriage we have sometimes served in staff positions, and other times one would be on staff and the other the spouse. I can honestly say that it has always been more difficult to be the spouse. You have very little recourse when it comes to dealing with conflict. And much of the spouse’s role is spent on waiting as your spouse deals with whatever the current conflict is as you sit by saying nothing.
Our last church had a culture of blaming the wife when something went wrong. We stayed there for 12 years and are now on the mission field in Haiti, each with our own role and job description.
For me it is easier adjusting to another language and culture and life in a third world country than it was living as a pastor’s wife in the states. It’s actually a huge relief and I never take my life here for granted. The passion of the Haitian church is refreshing after petty complaints, whining about worship styles and the demand for entertaining programs, as well as attacks on leaders for not providing the preferences of the month that we used to face continually.
Let’s face it. American Christians live in poverty, a narcissistic poverty of spirit and heart that routinely devours their leaders and their leader’s families. I don’t want to come across as bitter because I’m not. But we have a problem in the American church and need repentance.
On the contrary, I think you’re right on target. I never cease to be amazed at how selfish American Christians are these days.
It’s not just the pastors wife, but the older children are subject to being cornered as well as a pk i cant tell you how many times I’ve been cornered to be informed of the short coming of my dads work or been seen as a necessary evil at events because I’m the pastors son. If I chose to serve or help the expectations of success were drastically raised over others because I should be better at it or know more because the pastor is my dad. Your stuck in a limbo with no real friends in the church and it takes longer to adjust to your peers because of being a pk…its sad how much churches miss out on because of their attitudes and actions
I don’t want to discount how hard being “in the ministry” is. It’s hard. I’ve been there and done that. I am no longer there. On the other side, I see how damaging and isolating thoughts like these are. Ministry leaders that create a wall of “my life and job is so much more difficult than yours” isolate themselves. I see this over and over again with pastor’s wives. If you are living a life dedicated to Jesus and living others well, you are putting yourself out there for hurt and persecution. A life lived well is a difficult life indeed–FOR ALL OF US. Some of us just happen to have the privilege of getting paid for our service. Continuing to talk about how ministry staff is mistreated often makes the “lay-person” feel guilty and discouraged. I am extra careful talking to any ministry staff now because I am very afraid of hurting them–and I was once there!!!! I cannot control the rest of the congregations behavior, and most likely, an article like this will never change those people who are heartless towards ministry staff. The comments here can come across as a club. “We are in the ministry; isn’t our life and sacrifice so difficult because congregations are so unloving?” Why not focus on the positive? What do congregations do to encourage? Those of us that love the ministry and the people who serve would jump on that. The others aren’t even reading this.
Tammy, I’m not sure exactly what it is you are trying to say, and I do not wish to argue with you, but this is a forum for people to share from their hearts. It almost sounds as if your are taking a “just get over it” attitude. As you see from the comments, countless people in ministry have been terribly abused and bloodied up – and this by people inside the church. They, like me, are hurting and need a safe place to share, vent, be encouraged, and reminded they are not alone in their struggles. I do not see the intention of using these comments as a club, but as a step towards healing. I do agree with you that if some of the troublesome church bullies read these stories they probably wouldn’t change their abusive behavior because church bullies rarely see themselves as the problem. It’s always someone else’s fault. As to focusing on the positive, that is what has kept me in the ministry for the last 30 years. In fact, pastors and church staff people may be the most positive and upbeat people I know – we have to be in order to retain our sanity!
Few people in the ministry expect it to be easy. We know going in, and if we didn’t we find out quickly, that ministry is extremely difficult and challenging. I expect it to be difficult, and most in ministry would agree. But I should not tolerate abuse from church members – no pastor or staff person should.
The people here need healing because they are hurting. This is a great place to start.
I’ve been a pastor for twenty years, and I’ve never said my job is harder than anyone else’s. However, I do get irritated when people try to tell me how easy my job is, especially when they’ve never done it. How would you like it if someone came to your place of employment, looked over your shoulder constantly, and tried to tell you how to do your job? For those of us in the ministry, that sort of thing happens constantly. Worse yet, these same people try to tell us what easy jobs we have. If you’ve never done the job, you have no idea what it’s like. Period.
What scripture supports what you call a job?
I remember a verse that speaks of straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel. For some reason, your question brought it to mind.
Through the years as my spouse would interview for a position, he would always make a point that they would be hiring him. That I am a follower of Christ and will serve as I feel led by Him. This has helped freely serve and seems to have reduced ‘expectations’. Because I love Him, I have continued serving which has enhanced my husband’s ministry because I have the joy to do so. There have been circumstances, many, where I have had to fall on my knees and pray forgiveness over comments or negative intent toward my spouse. Especially, since I am the one who knows his heart. But, eventually, God’s love fills that painful hole and helps me stay focussed on the big picture in Philippians 2:1-11. I do understand the isolation that comes with the role and have struggled with not feeling connected at times. In this way, I have at times had to seek out other believers outside of the church who are what I consider ‘life long’ friends. We may go months without chatting but I know if I need a purge moment, accountability check, or just some girlfriend time, they will lift me up in prayer and provide words of wisdom. Thank you for this article. I believe you will find many comments and for those who have expressed painful circumstances, I join with you in prayer for healing.
My heart breaks for all the loneliness of you spouses. We are called to love our neighbors and that includes our pastors’ spouses. So many are introverts and need support without feeling overwhelmed. They also need the encouragement of the members to seek help when needed and not feel the need to take on everything their spouse does not have time to do, whether paid or not. Our former church ladies’ group did a study on a book called “Grace in the Empty Spaces” by Mark McPeak and Emily Youree. The sub-title says it all, “Transformed by the One-Another Passages”.
I encourage all churches to share it. Changed the life of our church which was already loving well but found ways through these passages to love even better.
In the meantime, pray for our pastors and their families.
we must pray more each day by our ministry friends, let us pray for the healing of the world embrace.
This post is terribly important for everyone in the church to read. Minister’s spouses, ministers, and the congregation should all know these things are unacceptable. In fact, I think every church should start at learning how Christians do relationships-period. Personalities and dynamics and sin can spiral out of control very quickly. If a church isn’t leading people in better relationships, we’re missing the entire point because Jesus came to instruct how we live, not how we pretend to live for an hour during service. We have to learn forgiveness and grace inside the church or what hope do we have to share something we don’t know how to offer?
These people who bully pastors and their families do not have the Holy Spirit.
At our current church it is the executive staff who are in position of authority yet have no real idea what I actually do in my ministry who isolate and bully me the most. Thankfully our congregation has been the least of my family’s worries. I’d like to think the “church hurt” would be less felt than what this has done to me and my family. Constantly asking God how much longer He will allow a person like this to have so much power and abuse it the way he does. I don’t know if you could have a forum to find out if this is a common occurrence in other churches, but it may be helpful to hear and see how others deal with it. It’s a shame and such a waste of energy, resources, tears, etc. the silver lining is God has been near, and my faith had been strengthened. There were some times in there where I wanted to just run away and could have easily. God has kept me here for many reasons. I have a great ministry and feel so much love and support from the people I serve. The church gets its. It’s the leadership who don’t in my case. The isolation in this case stems from the members not knowing the truth about how there is no one above you who celebrates your successes and there is only someone there to bring you down or spitefully give credit to someone else who had nothing to do with my ministry event, etc. because that person is their ally in ministry. I pray there aren’t enough ministers to even report issues like this. But any words of wisdom are appreciated.
My wife suffers from #4, Isolation. After serving as in various Associate Pastoral roles for 25+ years I now serve as Senior Pastor and have for almost 4 years. She often says this is the loneliest she has ever been.
My prayers for both of you, Charlie.
I served as a pastor of an English language church in Japan made up primarily of military families. We also had a number of Japanese who attended, so my wife, who is Japanese, tried to minister to that group. She had taught preschoolers for over 30 years and had never taught adults, so she made some mistakes. Because she lived in the States for over 30 years she is more American than Japanese and she clashed with some because of cultural differences. As a result the Japanese group excluded her from anything they did and some of the Americans constantly complained about her because of her inability to work with the Japanese. Some things were said and things blown out of proportion and that caused even more division. She tried very hard to reconcile with people but the undercurrent kept things stirred up. I worked hard trying to get things smoothed over, but I was also catching a lot of criticism and complaints by some of the leadership over my ministry as well as my wife’s, but I was able to handle it. My wife, though, felt very isolated and hurt.
God connected us with a Japanese church in a nearby city and my wife attended the monthly women’s meeting there. They treated her with respect and compassion. They accepted her into their fellowship and she developed some great friendships and that helped helped her during the rest of our time in that area. Since she attended this group in another city, there was almost no connection to the our church, so she could be free to be herself and relax. She received encouragement that helped her stay at and minister to our church. She was also able to encourage the ladies there and helped them when some problems developed when a new pastor came.
Later we moved to southern Japan and I became an associate pastor in a Japanese church using English as a means of outreach. My wife was accepted and loved by the people. She was able to encourage the pastor’s wife and helped her through some tough times. My wife was able to minister to a lot of people and it was a rich and rewarding time and many friendships were made.
She was so blessed by being part of that women’s group in the other town otherwise we might have left earlier and would have missed out on the blessing of serving a Japanese church in southern Japan. I encourage pastors and their wives to find friends and fellowship outside the church.
One elderly gentleman, a non-member but regular attendee, constantly complained about everything, especially the pastor (me), to my wife in her coed Sunday school class. Many times, she would be in tears after the morning service. When I confronted him about how his insensitivity was hurting my wife, he tried to change the subject and blamed me for not caring about him. I listened calmly and apologized that I’d given him that impression. After that, he called me out 3 out of the next 4 weeks, as I was in the pulpit, with loud and unfounded accusations. When a young family that had just started attending recently stopped coming and said it was because of his actions, an elder and I simply asked him not to return. I didn’t want to do it, but it needed to be done for the sake of the congregation as a whole. Since that time, we’ve seen many new regular attendees. Sometimes we just have to cut down the tares that are among the wheat.
Bravo! I have little patience for axe-grinders that slander a pastor behind his back, but I have ZERO patience for hecklers in a church service.
We have been in the ministry for over 35 years. As the wife of a pastor, I find your points are so accurate. I have served in staff positions as well. People can be demanding and their comments often cruel.
I know the work the Lord has for me and I will do that work. I know where God wants me to serve and that is where I will serve (which includes behind the scene at home, keeping our household functioning and supporting him while he ministers to others).
While I am pretty tough and continue on, I have seen friends who were spouses of pastors incredibly hurt to the point of depression. I have also seen our young ministers families hurt and confused by mean comments and unrealistic expectations of some congregants. I have seen pastors children losing interest in church be cause they face such intense scrutiny. This all can lead to discouragement in the very work God has called these families to do. That is what I find to be so sad.
Many, many years ago when my husband was first in the ministry an elderly lady who was dying had a family member call my husband…she spoke great words of encouragement and love to him for his ministry, telling him to always continue on in his work for the Lord. Wow – if everyone could have her heart. Even to her dying days she found it important to share words of love and encouragement.
Praying God’s blessings for our ministry families,
Mrs. Patti
I want to encourage all who have experienced pain and hurt from churches and leadership to put into your back pocket the web site “Care For Pastors” which also has a branch of “Care for Churches.” I was one of the first to go through their ministry outreach having failed in two pastorates. Ron Cook is the president and is an excellent counselor. His wife Rodetta has a great ministry to pastor’s wives. It is a safe place! It meant so much to me that I served on their board of directors for 6 years. Be brave! Make the call 352-728-8179 or visit their web-site careforpastors.org. It is free.
The worst treatment is when those who set salaries (finance and personnel committees, senior pastors ) know that the wife of the staff member makes a decent salary in the medical field. Therefore they justify paying the staff member less than they might have if the spouse didn’t work. Beyond cruel……..
One senior pastor told the folks with whom I worked with as a Single’s Pastor that the new Single’s Pastor would be better because his wife didn’t work. Hmmm, maybe my wife wouldn’t have had to work if I was paid a fair wage like the other staff members so my wife could chose to stay home or not. That option was never a consideration.
I finally had to stop reading the comments. Our church just went through a season of vicious attacks on the pastor and some very ugly things were said about him and his family. Some of the comments here echoed the attitudes of the ones who were hyper critical of the leadership. Lots of opinion, little Scripture.
Honestly, I’m still struggling. I have to fight to be myself and not the person I’m told I have to be. My children feel under the microscope and have lost a sense of purpose. One of them asked me why I bother to try since someone is just going to be unhappy with something I’ve done or haven’t done.
It’s so easy to hide behind a computer screen and make blanket statements about how things should be done, but unless you have been in the trenches and felt the bombardment of criticism and judgment, what you have to say just adds fuel to the fire of not good enough.
If I wasn’t sure of my husband’s calling, I’d beg him to walk away from pastoral ministry. And if you are just going to criticize me here, please don’t bother.
What I did in the current church I’m pastoring base on pass experience, I asked them never to use my wife to get to me and at theat very same moment I asked my wife not to let herself be used to get to me but rather direct them to come to me eith their issues. At the same time I asked the church people to do the same and let themselves to be used for such purpose and manner.
If anyone would do this, be sure to listen even if its painful but most of be greatful that people had the corage to come to you. The end result is a trust on the pastor and built strong communication between the pastor end the churc.h. One last thing, and I belived to be the most important: DO a follow up on the issue. (Please forgive any misstakes I might have for english us my second language not mastered yet)
The fact that an article like this has to be written saddens me. What makes it worse is if we were following Jesus’ model of church in the New Testament today it wouldn’t be this way. We need to consider getting back to small groups where EVERYONE is the minister God intended us to be. Jesus gave instructions on His ideal church and we have strayed from His leadership and adopted the traditions of pagans as our own. God is our shepherd not salaried pastors(not biblical) and God intended everyone one of us to be used not just a select few.
I think you need to go back and study your Bible a little more carefully, particularly First Corinthians.
My husband pastors a church that was broken by their last pastor’s wife. She literally caused about half of the problems that made the membership dwindle to the point they could no longer afford to keep a full time pastor. I tangled with her a time or two and had others have to apologize for her, because she could see no wrong in her doings.
Now that my husband is pastor there, I find myself in a position of trying to live down her past. Boy is that hard. The women, especially, are totally limp and have a zillion great visions, most of which never materialize. If I try MAKING something happen, it is almost a sure prediction that it will fall by the wayside. I cannot count how many times folks have flared up for the tiniest things, but it is because they fear I’ll also be a manipulator, that I’ll be the ruination of the growth they’ve seen under my husband’s preaching and leadership.
As someone said above, I try to get over it. I know these dear people are injured and scarred and taking forever to heal, but patience is beginning to bear fruit as Jesus proves in their lives that His ways are not my ways.
I have a question, though…
Is there a good Website that is dedicated to this problem? I keep seeing it, keep wishing I could go to such a place, keep wishing I could refer to such a place, keep wishing someone would address it. I’ve read nearly every comment here, and did not see any recommendations, except to the book, Boundaries, which would help a bit, but would not address the position of being married to a problem that cannot be resolved only by saying “thus far and no farther” when I deal with people I cannot escape, people I love, people I know are broken, are scared of me, are limp with lack of true vision, lack of good teaching and on and on.
We truly feel as if we actually are running a hospital. Only a very few of the patients are well enough to help us and many have sudden, unexpected relapses. My husband keeps saying, “And yet these are the people God has given us to love.” He is right. He is so right. Hurt hurts, but we can rise above it and keep working.
Yet . . . I would so love to find that Website!
This is true for parachurch organizations as well, both for paid and volunteer leadership.
Thank you so much for sharing such a great article with us. I really like the way you write and address your posts.