Podcast Episode #148
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A recent post, Six Reasons Why Women May Be Leaving Your Church, really generated a lot of feedback. So much so, that we took today’s episode to discuss the topic further and cover these six reasons. While they may apply to men in the church as well, these are specific issues we are hearing from women as to why they decide to leave a church.
Some highlights from today’s episode include:
- When they are overworked in the church, many women will disengage from church or just move to another one.
- Generally speaking, women are more relational than men and can be more relationally hurt than men.
- Children’s ministry is one of the key areas for the church in the present and future.
- If a church does not address safety and security issues in its children’s ministry, it will not reach young families.
- Most of the time, churches have funds to do what is needed. They are just spending the money elsewhere.
- What you do in the workplace and at home is ministry—not just what you do at church.
- If a husband does not attend church, it is extremely difficult for the wife to go by herself.
- There is a big need for a church to have a place for a woman to connect in small group if her husband does not attend.
The six reasons why women may be leaving your church are:
- They are overworked.
- They do not feel valued.
- They are relationally hurt.
- There is a lack of quality childcare.
- They are too busy.
- Their husband does not attend.
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Looks Like your 6 reasons are a leftover from the financial advice a few days ago.
“The six reasons why women may be leaving your church are:
Financial information should be kept confidential
Generous giving should be expected from staff, leadership, and members
Giving should not be used a bargaining chip or for influence or positions in the church
There must be clear guidelines on the information senior staff can see
Some churches publish commitments of giving without a dollar amount (just share that a person or family has committed to give)
Violation of guidelines can destroy trust in the church”
This can sometimes be true. But not always keep praying. Honesty and research can go along way.
I disagree with your statement concerning giving and positions in the church. The Bible says that where a person’s treasure is, there is their heart. In other words if a person is not giving financially to the church, their heart is not in the church. If their heart is not in the church, they should not hold a position in that body. When a pastor can monitor the giving of the sheep, he can often see when a sheep is sick and needs help. A drop in a person’s giving can indicate that person/family is having some kind of problem and the pastor can then try to minister to the person/family.
A drop in giving to one organization or church can mean that the family gave to another. Perhaps a hospital is renovating or adding a new unit. Perhaps a person came to them in need. There are a lot of reasons donation amounts float.
I am below poverty level. I anonymously gave to those who have even less than me about 30 percent of my income last year and about 20 percent so far this year. I give to whom I believe the Lord would have me give to. When I give in church, I use cash so it is anonymous. It is no one’s business but mine and God’s what I give. How dare anyone monitor what people give.
What makes you think you know where a person’s treasure is and especially where their heart is? I am the one who you reject.
If a woman’s husband is not coming to church there is tension in the home. Sometimes just making a friend connection with her husband outside church will relieve some of the tension and release her to be joyfully involved. The husband will be much less likely to resent her attendance if he has a friend at church even though he doesn’t attend.
I can give 6 reasons why women might be leaving:
1. Some women are made to feel like second or third class Christians. (Married males with children are first class followed closely by widows.)
2. Some women are not accepted by the other women in the church because of their political views, single parent status, etc.
3. Women are banned from leadership and/or pulpit in some churches.
4. Women are not allowed to teach both genders except in the kindergarten Sunday school class even if the woman has a graduate degree in religion, Bible, etc.
5. Women don’t get to see other women as clergy and don’t feel like the men in leadership will take her seriously if she talks to them.
6. If one of the men in leadership refers a young woman to his wife, she isn’t sure if full confidentiality applies (equal the seal of the confessional). If she is young, she will not want her parents to find out anything and can’t be sure that the information won’t be leaked.
Thanks for Mark for your six reasons. Some of these relate to the flow of women from Roman Catholic and other men-only-in-leadership churches to mainline Christian churches.
Its the Bible that teaches that a woman is not to teach or usurp authority over the man.
Women of that era were not educated like they are today.
True, but didn’t God inspire the scriptures? Did He not know that women would be more educated today when He inspired that passage? Are you saying the passage is sort of temporary truth until women could become more educated even though most men of that time weren’t that educated? If you look at the qualifications in 1 Timothy 3 education isn’t a qualification. We are told in 2 Timothy to study to show ourselves approved unto God, but that applies to all believers.
I don’t think the answers to problems addressed in Paul’s letters were ever intended to be law for all time. They were meant to help one particular congregation at one particular time.
Sometimes a person is over worked in the church because they think no one else can do the job as well as they can. Some take up multiple jobs because they feel no one else can do it as well as they do. And yet they blame it on no one else wants to do it.
Thank you for addressing these issues. As a mother of 2, working full time in a stressful service position in my community, I often feel I cannot measure up to the legacy of my grandmother and my mother in terms of volunteerism within the church. I can see all the things I could do, but it is very hard for me to make another consistent ministry commitment along with my work and family commitments. I am exceedingly grateful for our current church, which is happy to have me come as I am as a mother of young children instead of seeing me as a ways and means to keep the church alive, which was my previous experience. I also feel so much more comfortable with the nursery care now- I had to speak up and fight for basic legal standards of safety to be met in our last church, which was really painful and made me feel that my young family was quite unwanted. Now my children are being treated like the joys they are and that means everything to me. I hope I can get more involved at some point in the kinds of ministries I used to be a part of, before the kids came along, but a lot of that is up to God making a way. For now, being able to come, be connected with other believers, and worship and receive Biblical instruction while my family is ministered to as well is all I can do. And I have peace about that, as it has been a matter of prayer for me for a long time.
Women practically ran the church I formerly attended. I asked about this in a leadership meeting and was told that the men would never get the work done, and not do it right, and the women would have to come behind them and do the work anyway (they were referring to their husbands).
I left because I, and others, had different views about Biblical teachings that were secondary to the articles of faith and salvation, but there was an unwillingness to “agree to disagree.” Instead, we were told we were stunting our growth, living legalistically, and that we were heretics. This was something that 2/3 of the deacons believed, and was taught by the previous pastor, by the way.
It just makes me sad. We should be able to set aside these secondary issues and worship together.
Regarding why women leave the church:
The first reason listed women being overworked and our family can certainly relate.
Because there is a tremendous lack of volunteerism in our church, my wife at times will miss a full month of worship services because she is filling in here and there for Children’s Church. She has taught Sunday School for probably 20 years straight and I can’t remember the last time she was actually a student in an adult Sunday School class. She keeps plugging away in these areas simply because no one else will step up to the plate and relieve her for a while.
Why women leave the church summed up in one word: CONSUMERISM—the plague of the 21st century church. Sad.
I am a Student Pastor and sadly I can give 2 reasons she would mind leaving the church, 1. Lack of being fed spiritually 2. Lack of Christ-like relationships with people at the church
OK. Most every reason points to building men with others (women) in mind. Besides the pragmatic – God Almighty lays it out for us in Ephesians 5.
They are overworked. A godly woman wants to serve and will always be susceptible to stepping in to meet real needs. Her husband or small group leader needs to be there to process opportunities with her and shepherd her in some of these decisions.
They do not feel valued. Her value comes from who she is in Christ. Extra volunteering will not accomplish this. Her husband or small group leader needs to be aware of her love language and care for her and remind her of her identity as a woman who is valued by God as proven by the life, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.
They are relationally hurt. Careless words and selfish actions will cause harm. People are selfish and careless. Her husband or small group leader needs to help her either step through Matt 18 and restore a broken relationship and/or take these hurts to God and His Word and find healing there.
There is a lack of quality childcare. Not sure if this is Sunday am childcare?
They are too busy. The 21st Century woman is typically too busy as she is the recipient of mixed messages from a culture that has lost it’s way. No woman can do everything that different people expect of her. Her husband or small group leader is there to shepherd her through her priorities in each season of her life and to navigate these as they change.
Their husband does not attend. It will always be uphill ministry for a local church to shepherd women and not engage the husband. I Peter 3 does provide some vital insights. The local church must make some intentional efforts to be relevant to men. It is God’s Design that the local church builds into the husband in such a way that the husband can shepherd his wife.
Again – the local church cannot do for the wife what God designed the husband to do:
– give himself up for her
– sanctify her
– cleanse her
– love her as himself
– nourish her
– cherish her
The immediate imperative is for the local church to aggressively reach out and engage men to know Christ and grow to become the spiritual leaders in their marriages, families, churches and communities.
“The immediate imperative is for the local church to aggressively reach out and engage men to know Christ and grow to become the spiritual leaders in their marriages, families, churches and communities.”
But until Jesus is presented as a man of action this won’t happen. Too often he was portrayed as effeminate and weak, though the Bible says he generally wasn’t.
I have thought about leaving the church. I feel overworked and not appreciated. I have been a church pianist/organist for over 50 years, served as Sunday School teacher the majority of these years, and served on committees. All without pay and at my own expenses. I have lost time and money from work to play for funerals, put miles on my auto, and purchased music and supplies.
I was the organist and teaching a class (without an assistance teacher) and serving on a committee when someone volunteered me to also be the church secretary and treasurer. I did not accept that position.
Now I am a widow in my seventies and still the church pianist/organist and an assistant teacher. None of my family lives nearby or attends this church. My daughter who lives in another state has fought a long, hard battle with cancer and a major stroke and is now under the care of Hospice.
The Pastor of the church I attend has never visited me or any of my family. He has asked me about my daughter one time in the last year. I am often lonely, tired, and sometimes I just want to go to church and listen to someone else playing the piano/organist. Yet, I continue to serve and I thank God for blessing me.
Great post! May I add a huge one that I believe is missing?
At some churches, women don’t get any training beyond roles in the nursery or administrative needs. They have to go to seminary or join some sort of parachurch ministry to be offered the basic Christian skills of evangelism, discipleship, prayer, etc. This is usually due to lack of focus, effort, or strategy given to serious women’s discipleship. Women want more than an hour to learn a new recipe or engage in shallow chit chat; a lot of women really do want to learn and be a leader among other women. There are so many church ministries/efforts that a woman could spearhead without stepping in the role of pastor (ministry to the orphan, the prisoner, the single mothers in the community, teaching/training times outside of the pulpit, curriculum writing, women’s equipping, small group leading, guest service teams, new member orientations, etc.). But there’s usually no targeted leadership development for women to learn to do any of this. It’s why they go to parachurches and external conferences instead of learning these things in their own church. There are very few churches who invest in a model that shows women how to disciple other women or lead within their gifting. Of the total amount of women in a church, theres a percentage who adores either administrative service or nursery/kids ministry, and praise God for them! Then there’s the remaining percentage who are interested in other things, who have other types of gifts. If I could be so bold, I’d say in most traditional churches there’s no one dreaming up leadership training or developmental opportunities for those women.
a BIG reason women leave church is because when they disclose that their husbands are abusing them, the church takes the ‘neutral’ stance, or minimises the abuse or implies the woman is partly to blame or believes the abuser’s snow job…. etc etc. And the woman leaves and the abuser remains in the church in good standing, with people feeling sorry for him because his wife ‘deserted’ him. But it was the abuser who destroyed the marriage.
Why didn’t the podcast mention this scenario? Because most in the church are blind to it.
Visit cryingoutforjustice dot com to learn how better to respond to domestic abuse in the church.
Glad to see you bring this up. Check out #Churchtoo on Twitter. There are some heart wrenching stories of women being abused in churches.
Many times I have almost left our church due to the fact that there are unspoken “high school” clicks and attendees that have been there for years and it’s impossible to break through these groups relationally. Yes, yes, hubby and I are newbies. Another factor is the ungenuiness of their Faith.
Knowing without a doubt that God has lead us to this church, instead of criticising, being judgemental or assuming, we are trying to lead by example. At times it’s discouraging, but we keep plugging along.
I searched on “women” and got this old post from 2015!
Here’s an idea: Why don’t you start a new seismic shift?
Women in churches need trained women on staff, not volunteers and not only as children’s ministers but as ministers to adult women, to counsel them about their issues and spiritual development. (I realize some churches provide this ministry, but relatively few outside of the larger ones. Usually, the women’s minister is a volunteer and not appropriately trained.) Too many women in our churches are hurting and drifting with no an anchor in Scripture.
I fully support a trained women’s leader who has expertise in counseling women and developing a ministry that equips women. That said, as I scan the rosters of church staffs across America, I see a fair number of Women’s Ministry Directors on the staff of the local church. Of course I also see even more Children’s Ministry Directors and Youth Ministry Directors. What I do not see is a Men’s Ministry Director – maybe 1 in 1000! It is crazy. Who is discipling the men of the church – and don’t tell me the pastor is doing it because that would be another 1 in 1000
You are correct.
Churches are sexist and treat women as second class citizens. I’m a woman and an agnostic, I would NEVER in a million years turn to Christianity or Islam or any of these as they are oppressive and treat women badly. Don’t say otherwise because actions speak louder than words. A woman would have to be nuts to be a Christian.