ThomRainer.com began as a source of information for pastors, staff, and other Christian leaders. I have been incredibly blessed to discover a subgroup of my readership that has much to offer: pastors’ wives. Many in this group have also shared a common plight: they are very lonely.
Indeed the transparency of these pastors’ wives is amazing. Many have shared with each other on this blog about their battles with depression. My desire to offer help to pastors’ wives has increased greatly. My respect and admiration of them has also grown significantly.
For this article, I assimilated the hundreds of blog comments, Twitter and Facebook messages, and general conversations I’ve had with pastors’ wives. My focus was on the number one challenge they have shared: loneliness.
Here are the twelve most common reasons pastors’ wives have offered to explain their loneliness.
- Superficial relationships in the church. “No one ever sees me as my own person. I am the pastor’s wife. No one tries to get close to me.”
- A busy pastor/husband. “My husband is on 24/7 call all the time. I just get leftovers.”
- Mean church members. “I guess I’ve isolated myself to some extent. I just don’t want to keep hearing those awful things they say about my husband and me.”
- A conduit for complaints about her husband. “Last week someone told me their family was leaving the church because my husband is a lousy preacher. Do they have any idea how that makes me feel?”
- Broken confidences. “I’ve given up trying to get close to church members. I thought I had a close friend until I found out she was sharing everything I told her. That killed me emotionally.”
- Frequent moves. “I’m scared to get close to anybody now. Every time I develop a close relationship, we move again.”
- Viewed as a second-class person. “One church member introduced me to a guest visiting the church by saying I’m ‘just the pastor’s wife.’”
- Lack of support groups. “I’ve heard that some wives have support groups that really help. I’ve never been able to find one.”
- No date nights. “I can’t remember the last time my husband and I had a date night together.”
- Complaints about children. “I really don’t try to get close to church members anymore. I’m tired of so many of them telling me how perfect our children should be.”
- Husband does not give the wife priority. “Frankly, the church is like a mistress to my husband. He has abandoned me for someone else.”
- Financial struggles. “My husband makes so much less money than most of the members. I just can’t afford to do the things they do socially.”
While many pastors’ wives share that there are blessings in their role, many do suffer severe loneliness. I would love to hear from more of these wives. And I would love to hear from others about them. The words I have heard from these women have prompted me to be more intentional about praying for them.
The pastor’s wife has the hardest job in the church because it comes with so many unrealistic expectations. The vigorous support of her pastor husband is the only way it can be made an enjoyable experience.
I can illustrate with my own story. I came late into the ministry…I was 38 before I graduated seminary and served in my first full-time church. My wife and I were married, had our two kids and a upper middle-class comfortable life before the call to ministry came. The ministry was definitely something my wife had to warm up to. It took over a year for her to get on board. But she has enjoyed it for the most part because I have made sure that she and the family remain my #1 priority. Here are some things I have deliberately done that I believe have helped:
1. I have always told search committees that Gerri will choose what she will do in the church, just like every other member. She will be involved on her own terms according to the Lord’s leadership in her life, NOT according to what pastor’s wives typically do our what the past one did. So she has never been the WMU president because that is not her interest area. She has never taught a Beth Moore ladies’ Bible study because teaching adults is not her area of preferred service.
2. She knows I will support whatever decision she makes related to her church service. Members have been mad that she was not willing to be the church hostess or the WMU President. But I have never told her she had to do it ‘for the sake of the church’.
3. I take all the vacation the church allows and honor my days off as much as possible. I believe she has been happy as a pastor’s wife, even though it was not what she signed up for when we married, because I have tried to make sure she and the kids know they are my priority.
4. I try to keep her ‘in the loop’ and seek her advice on church decisions but try not to burden her with the junk that creates church conflict.
5. I go out of my way to praise her in public an d express my love and appreciation for her. If something in our life is shared as a sermon illustration, I make sure it is not something that reflects poorly on her.
If a pastor is not willing to support his wife and defend her from unreasonable critics and criticism I really do not think any support group, level of pay, or number of close friends in or out of the church will make enough of a difference to make the position of pastor’s wife one she enjoys. …and she will most certainly feel lonely because she IS alone without the support she needs and deserves.
Outstanding insights Allen. Thank you.
I am a wife of a man in a para-church ministry (a college ministry). He started this job right after we got married and it has been 20 years now. Our relationship has not been an easy one and he doesn’t understand why I am unable to honestly open up to other woman in church and in his ministry about things that I may struggle with (depression and anxiety). I am unable to do that, even though I deeply long to, because every church leader and church member, home/small group friend is a “potential (financial) supporter”. How can I open up with them about struggles I have with my husband at the risk of them not wanting to be a supporter of him and the ministry work? We have real issues and aside from sharing them with our counselor and my non-Christian friends, I feel alone and without anyone to talk to and pray with about this. It’s gotten to the point that I am considering divorce and since he has no problem discussing my depression (some of which has been a result of his passive aggressive behavior and anger issues) with his peers, fellow co-workers and church leaders I fear that if we do divorce they will still have only heard his side. They will never know how cruel he could be to me. No one would even believe the things he has said to me. If it weren’t for our kids I would have been gone a long time ago, even though I never thought I would ever have considered divorce. I am starting to think that divorce will actually be better than staying in a marriage that is a terrible example to our kids. With the amount of arguing that goes on, it is unbearable and not sustainable if I want to be well, and if I want them to be well and if they ever get married, to not stand for the treatment I deal with… Thank you for caring for us ministry wives and acknowledging that we struggle silently.
Moria, I can’t imagine the pain and suffering you are feeling. I pray that you can find the help you need for yourself and for your marriage. Have you thought about healing prayer ministry? There are some wonderful ministries available for you to attend to receive anonymous prayer ministry. Christian healing ministries in Jacksonville Florida offers several opportunities throughout the year. I have been twice and both times received significant emotional healing and clarity. You can’t do this alone. Allow the body of Christ to minister hope to you and the Holy Spirit to heal, strengthen, and guide you. Love and Blessings dear sister.
I know exactly how you feel. I’m pretty much going through the same thing. My husband’s church is small and very dysfunctional because he allows almost anything, just to keep the few members he has. When I try to talk to him about some of those things (in private), he belittles me, calls me the devil, say that I’m not a Christian and that I’m a disobedient wife. Then, he’ll go and discuss our private conversations with the men in the church, (which that’s what it mostly is). I feel like I’m nothing; not important, unwanted and not needed. He shows me off when its convenient for him and allows me to sing; (that’s my main ministry, although I have been called to speak, he rarely allows me to speak in ‘his’ church). I’m so tired and I just want out of this marriage. I’m not growing in his church, I’m totally dependent upon Holy Spirit to teach me and if I have any questions, I’ll ask my eldest brother, who is the Elder in his church. My husband has always been very arrogant and a true narcissist. He’s mean-spirited and cruel. He ignores me, won’t speak to me unless he’s being seen, and when we’re at home, he’s in one room and I’m in the other. If we should have some kind of conversation, it always turns into an argument. I have learned how to just walk away and keep to myself. Don’t speak unless I’m spoken to. I’m tired of being hurt. He has cheated numerous times and have gotten caught, now I really believe it’s time to make a decision. Fortunately, we do not have children together. Please pray for me.
Excellent methods you use in your church relating your wife as you were the pastor in the church. I also think that is a big opportunity to teach the Bible principles related to this experience so other pastor’s wives may keep serving God in their churches.
You sound like such a gem 🙂 Being a pastor’s wife isn’t like being any other sort of wife, not even an Army wife. There are demands on such women that most folks don’t even start to understand. And if their husbands are some of the folks who don’t understand, then I don’t know how things are expected to turn out well. I’m glad you recognize the challenges she faced being thrust into that role. I hope you two continue to grow together.
I ‘LIKE’ and And if their husbands are some of the folks who don’t understand, then I don’t know how things are expected to turn out well.
Allen, I think that’s some great advice. However, your last point gets at something that can be really difficult. I think attacks against the pastors family often come at the time when the church is approaching real, meaningful change. These attacks can sometimes come as a distraction to derail the progress God is bringing about.
My mentor pastor in my first full time calling told me how this had happened to him. He was early in a tough revitalization work and had recently introducing the idea of Biblical elders and spiritual leadership. Just after the first elders were elected and the whole church was starting to break free from the death grip of apathy that had held it for decades a vicious rumor started spreading about the pastors wife. In a healthy church with biblical elders the person who started this rumor would rightly have been called by the elders to repent. But in this case it would have meant that the first action taken by the elders who were newly elected at the pastors recommendation would have been to silence a critic of his wife (who also happened to be an influential member of the church). At least that’s how the congregation would have perceived it. He saw this as an attack from Satan to destroy the work God was doing. So he chose not to address it.
I’m not sure if I would make the same choice he did. But I can say that this is not a simple issue or easy to solve. I don’t find it at all far fetched to think the enemies of the Gospel would use the pastors family to try to stop the Gospel from spreading both in and out of the church. So how do we balance defending our families with the good of the church in a situation like this?
TJ, My final comment about defending my wife against unreasonable critics does not mean I would initiate an investigation into ANY unfair allegation or piece of gossip against my wife. That would indeed be a tricky situation requiring much prayer seeking God’s discernment and insight. One issue to me would be ‘Is this an isolated incident or a persistent practice’? If the gossip was the most recent in a long line of abusive attacks then it might need to be addressed, even if it is the first thing for a newly elected group of elders to address. But a pastor can certainly show private and public support for his wife without seeking official church action against her critic. Things would have to be REALLY bad for me to consider going there! Also, pastors do need to realize spiritual warfare is ongoing…and his family is not immune. Our enemy certainly does not play fair! He loves to attack what we love. Pastors and their wives also need to guard against being overly sensitive in this regard. I can remember one time when my wife was attacked in a very vicious way on a Sunday morning that sent her home crying that caused me to confront her critic publicly in an unbiblical way. Obviously, the critic was wrong. But so was I! It Is ALWAYS hard to take back harsh words, even if they are deserved. Sometimes we need to be willing to privately ‘dress our own family’s wounds’ and mutely move on remembering that vengeance ultimately belongs to the Lord.
Thank you for publishing this article. Very interesting and thought provoking. I have had men of God to take interest in me but being a pastor/bishop wife has to be a challenge. I wonder if that is the reason why I have lived a life of isolation and gone through some of the situations I’ve encountered because God is preparing me. Please pray and intercede for me to know Gods will for my life.
My pastor husband does the exact same things for me and I appreciate it so much. But deep down in my heart I always feel like I’m letting him and the Lord down because I don’t measure up to the high expectations people have of a pastor’s wife.
Also I am extremely lonely because I have cut myself off from people due to terrible hurts. I keep them at a distance even though there are some I’d love to be friends with.
I enjoyed reading your comments.
Hi Karen,
I am a missionary in South America. My main ministry is to work with pastors’ wives. I encourage these women to form small groups among themselves for study and encouragement.
Your letter agrees what I have always contended that even good support from a pastor-husband does not fill all the emotional needs of a pastor’s wife. We need girlfriends with whom we can share our hearts. Please seek such friends. Just a hint: Other women in ministry (pastors’ wives, missionaries, etc.) are the ones who will “get it” and who will be safe recipients of any concerns you might have.
That is an awesome article. Everyone woman has her own gifts and talents. They should have choices like anyone else to choose how they will participate in serving in the church. Seems like you started off right and your wife was highly supported. Your support is what truly matters. Your ministry to made the work enjoyable.
This a real article woman need in the role of Pastor’s wives.
I think it’s awesome the way you live your calling, and give the proper respect for your wife’s calling and being the Pastor’s wife. I am the Pastor’s wife and I have to say, didn’t sign up for this, but I do have to say it has the good and not so good days. God has prepared me, and shown me a great deal of things, but I think at this point in life, I need to step back a bit; here’s why: I do everything in the church, from Admin, Women’s Dept. President, over-see every single ministry from ushers-children’s-fundraising-events, I mean everything. All the problems come to me first, since people find it that I’m more easily reachable, and things get done. My husband, the pastor, well he is the handy man of the church, and his top priority is study the word and pray. Of course he makes calls and attends to the need. But he is also my first critic-if I don’t go to a home bible study or if I don’t attend ALL activities, (Because I love spending time with our kids) he comes down on me hard. He’ll critique every single thing about from I don’t love God, I’m not a good leader, and so forth and so on. All the church issues make it to our bedroom at times because he doesn’t come down on others as he does on me. Ministry I understand is very important to him, and it is very important to me as well, but I refuse to make it our problem, and that’s what most of the time lately is becoming. I know I am far from perfect, but I do things for God and people out of love. I support my husband 100% I just wish that back off and see the blessings that he has with his family serving God in Ministry and he wouldn’t be so hard on his family, because he is definetely not hard at all with the congregation. Love the post
My husband also went into the ministry as an older adults. He is now an associate pastor at a small country church. I think that is part of the problem. He isn’t a “real” pastor so the people don’t have to show the same amount of respect for us as they do for the lead pastor and his wife. I am about at the point where I wish he had never taken this path.
I’m a young, Pentecostal preacher and I have learned through my own suffering, that if people do not truly believe in Christ, they wont truly believe, in those who preach.
The devil is always looking for ways to spiritually rip a pastor, marriage and church apart and we as preachers are not God Almighty to take punches, 24/7.
Therefore, we as believers and preachers, have to constantly look for other, true believers to pray and fast with.
Prayer and faith in the Lord, is our best and only friend, at times.
I’m new to the world of pastor’s spouse. My husband is a worship pastor. He spent 2 years doing this job as a lay minister in the church where we grew up. We spent the next 4 in a community within driving distance from the seminary he attended, and just a few months ago, we moved again and connected with an established church with multiple pastors on staff. I have a few observations that I would add, simply from my own experiences.
The senior pastor’s wife has the ability to change some of these things for the other pastors’ wives. One wife had few fellowships, few conversations, and little advice to give. I was lonely in that church. One wife has many fellowships with diverse groups; she makes sure to include the other wives and introduce us to many of her guests. She checks on us, talks to us, and helps connect us to solutions. It helps diminish or even eliminate the loneliness.
The other observation might get me into trouble, but I am speaking of myself, but I think a portion of my loneliness came from my own pride. In trying to conduct myself in a manner so as not to put any shame on my husband, I hid a lot of pain and sadness. I, without intending to, isolated myself so none of my friends would see the imperfect parts of me, but I’m human. I’m as flawed and imperfect as anyone else, and when I humbled myself and were honest with a few ladies I found a kindred sisterhood to help hold me up. This does open me up to #5 Broken Confidences, but I will stand before God for my own sins, not the sins of others, and I was led to believe that I was wrong to not share all of me with my friends. I found more ways to minister to their broken, sad, hurting moments when they knew I had them, too, then when I tried to be someone I was not. Likewise, if I felt lonely at a holiday, then I made a point to open my home and invite them to us. Sometimes, I think our church members don’t want to intrude on us, or don’t think about the fact that we don’t have family around, or years of traditions to follow.
Just my two cents worth…
Good two cents. Thank you.
Thank you for your thoughts on this! I agree with most of what you say. 🙂 As a pastor’s wife I have to disagree with some of it though. I think that #2, 9 & 11 are the responsibility of the pastor. My husband does his absolute best to make sure our marriage and family take priority over the church. Though we go through seasons when the church HAS to come first (like there was a 6 month period where my husband performed a doz funerals, no joke!) he does a wonderful job to not let the church take over. Though we’re not perfect at having date nights every single week, we do do our best to make it a priority. I would say if my husband didn’t work at making our marriage first I would be horribly lonely, even if he wasn’t a pastor. From my husband’s perspective he always feels the pull and guilt from church to make them priority. I’m thankful for my husband and his work in the church and also his work at balancing it all. I do understand this is not the case for every woman and I would say I have dealt with all the other numbers listed above at least once, or on some level. It’s a shame how church people treat their pastors and in turn the pastor’s family. I think the Lord is going to have some words with those who have not recognized the silent servant they have in the pastor’s wife.
Thanks for the input.
I love being a pastor’s wife. We get to watch so many people grow through the joys and sorrows of life. But you really hit the nail on the head with this article. Early in our time here, a group of ladies was going to an event to support one of the teens in our church. I mentioned that I would love to go, too. So everyone met up and decided who was going to ride with whom. They all loaded up and left with me standing on the sidewalk. So I walked home, and was later criticized for not going. I wish I could say it was an isolated event, but 6 years later, I am still seeing their pictures of “girl’s nights” on social media.
I don’t tell that to sound pitiful, for I am a very happy person by nature. I think that some people just don’t think about reaching out. Maybe they have been hurt or are afraid they can’t be real with a pastor’s wife because of negative experiences in the past. I have learned that there has been a serious deficit in discipleship in SBC circles, and many people are just overgrown teenagers who never learned to communicate and relate in healthy ways.
Thank you for taking the time to write about pastor’s wives!
I am indeed thankful for all of you.
I am with you! It is so very lonely, and I can relate to many of these points. One thing I will say is I don’t go, because I don’t get invited. It is like the “moms night out” movie where everyone goes and no one thinks about inviting the Pastor’s wife. We lived in a parsonage for almost 20 years, and folks would have barbeques in our backyard, because it was church property and not invite us. It was so awkward for our kids especially to see their friends playing outside in “their” yard. Women would post on social media about all the fun stuff they did together and not think about inviting me. It’s just hurtful and lonely sometimes. I’m just thankful God has given me my family. We are very close because it is all we’ve ever had.
I too am a pastor’s wife and my family is my support system. If I didn’t have them, I would be very lonely.
I believe that God always sends bits of joy in the midst of the battle. My family moments have been my bits of joy, which I am very grateful for. It gets a little harder when they move away to continue their lives.
Sad thing is, two of our children, after seeing all the negative in the church, have decided that church is not for them. Actually, I would go on to say, if my husband didn’t have the job he has I probably wouldn’t go to church either.
Excellent point. I have been a music minister for 23 years. My wife has also been on staff as children’s minister. We have dealt with much, but now God has called me to be pastor and your comments have renewed the perspective that I must keep while serving in this capacity. Thank you Thom and Allen!
Thanks Chris!
This is the first article on this subject that I’ve seen. Thank you! As a Pastor’s wife of several decades, I can tell you that I struggle with hurt and disappointment resulting from words and actions coming from church bullies, and organizational intellectual snobbery. I choose to tattle to my Heavenly Father, because I take my responsibility and testimony so seriously. But, still because of our experiences with these two church behaviors, I don’t get too close with church folk. My close relationships are secular.
Church bullies are those folks that take joy in using the struggles of our children in hateful ways. They’re the folks that say things out loud, to your face, like, “We can’t have the Pastor making too much money. We keep them humble.” “The last Pastor that bought a house lost his job. Get it?” “How did you afford that dress?” “We’re leaving because we’ve out grown what your husband can teach us”. Church bullies with hold tithes because they don’t like the sermon series, and tell others to do the same. Folks who get angry because I can’t furnish the ham for a funeral, because my job has me out of town that week. I would go on, but frankly what’s the point?
Inner-church organizational snobbery, is what we experience because we aren’t the beautiful people of this 21st century mega-church phenomena. Our denominational leaders give huge amounts of support time and resources to the beautiful people. Despite our holding graduate degrees, ministering successfully for decades, we just don’t fit the mold worthy of support; emotional or spiritual. Our parents pass away. No support. We suffer serious illness. Nothing. We desire to learn and continue in current relevant ministry techniques as a means to reach Gens Y and Z (millenials); you’re on your own. I have observed denominational leadership behaviors that indicate that they believe the intentional small to medium church Pastor is irrelevant.
So, now I’ll share my choice of reaction. First, I am aware that people are watching my testimony. So I choose to walk by the Lord’s precepts, without regard for the behaviors of others. I have a successful career, which funds my husband’s career. I hold dear my (secular) friendships. We source our own development opportunities, choosing to continue to grow and improve, despite attitudes of our denominational leadership. Most importantly, I remember my own individual call to ministry and serve God within the parameters of His gifting. I celebrate the folks with whom we have the privilege of participating as they are radically saved. I teach and mentor new Believers on walking with the Lord in our crazy 21st century American culture. I refuse to participate in gossip, or negativity. I remember the tremendous honor in marrying, burying, baptizing, mentoring, and loving multiple generations of ordinary people.
At the end of the day, while this is a lonely and difficult vocation, I am called and at perfect peace. But, that peace requires intentional and frequent prayer, slaying my flesh in favor or His will, and remembering that this is a battle over issues of eternal consequence. So, I press toward the goal and happy in it!
Press on Beth!
Oh my word, Beth, you have such a healthy attitude. I’m going to pray that the Lord will help me to be like this. I must pray more too. Sometimes I think I can manage by myself but I know I can’t.
Renee and made it a priority that when we went to a church it was first a church we could join even if we were not on staff, and that prayer was the vert thing that helped us deal with the things you have mentioned. It didn’t meant we didn’t experience the things you have mentioned. It meant we were able to cope with these things in a more godly way. We literally discipled each other(and others) over past 32 years of ministry.
Good word Ron.
My daughter is a wife of a pastor and I have seen firsthand how church members treat her and the family. Most are very caring but some are just down right mean. I am very involved in my church and I have seen the same things in our church relating to your blog. I wished more people could see your blog and look into their hearts and adjust their hearts and minds.
Thank you Quina.
Thankyou – I agree with some of what you have written but it does make us all sound a bit of an ungrateful, complaining bunch :). I’ve been a “pastor’s wife” for 26 yrs and in many ways feel extremely privileged – to be right in the middle of church life, seeing folk grow and change, and being constantly reminded on my own total dependence on God, which is a good thing! I do think it needs to be a “calling”, just as much as being a pastor needs to be a calling, and I think, when it is, it’s much easier to accept that we’ll often only get to see our husbands when they are tired/washed out, and be able to find ways of supporting them in their tiredness. Someone decades ago gave me the advice that I should always make my husband glad that he came home (no matter how late he is!), and that’s been fantastic advice for my marriage.
I completely agree that it’s often very lonely. Often because we can’t tell church members if we’re having a hard time, and we often can’t tell our non Christian friends as it might be a bad witness.
One thing I struggle with sometimes is when I want to talk to my husband about church things. When he’s working, he’s too busy and I don’t want to interrupt/hold him back; when he’s not working, he’s wanting to chill and not talk about work. Sorting that out takes organisation and discipline – organisation in terms of us both scheduling some of his work time for me as the pastor’s wife, and discipline on my part to not talk to him about church things when e.g. his head is on the pillow and he’s trying to sleep! Groups like the Facebook Pastor’s Wives groups are great. More local groups with the potential for meet-ups are even better.
Thanks for sharing Karen.
This expresses a lot of my feelings. I am a Youth Pastor’s wife. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks Tabitha.
I think sometimes the youth pastor’s wife can be even lonelier. It (for some reason) seems easier for the congregation to care for their Lead Pastor’s Wife, and totally neglect the youth pastor’s wife.
I have been widowed almost 30 years but I have continued to observe the ‘isolation’ of the pastor’s wife. I have been involved in all areas of church work from the wife of a bi-vocational pastor to a member of all sizes of churches in many different states. My heart has always reached out to pastor’s wives. I would like to add a few observations.
1. Pastors do the church a dis-service by not teaching them by example that family comes first. It gives the.impression that it is fine for men to put their work ahead of families.
2. I have prayed for years that the SBC would see the need to include courses/seminars for wives when pastors have conferences. Not only does it give them additional insight into what the pastors are learning but more importantly a chance to develop relationships with other wives.
3. Encouragement, and financial assistance if necessary, for wives to attend conferences with the pastors. This may be the most significant time they have together to re-connect and strengthen their marriage.
Thank you for your concern.
Thank you Carra.
And I would add offer childcare for seminars And events! Kids need a place to go too and most of the time pastors live away from extended family.
Amen to that!
Thank you do much for writing this article. My husband showed it to me because he knows my struggle at times. My husband has only been a pastor for one year so we have not experienced everything you talk about just yet. We are very thankful for a very generous, supportive, and loving church family. My loneliness stems mostly from my husband’s business and the superficial relationships of the women in the church. The age gap is also a huge factor. My husband is a pastor of a small country church that is full of only elderly people. All our conversations are about who is sick and dying. And when it comes to talking about personal matters some women think it’s ungodly to discuss any struggles and others only want to talk to me so they can spill their problems. There’s never a mutual bearing of one another’s burdens. My husband’s business is due to the fact that this is a revitalization ministry and at this point he has to do it alone. Something that has encouraged me this year is a study we did on heaven. As we talked about the perfect fellowship we will have with our Lord and with one another after His return reminded me that on this side of heaven we won’t have that. This is battle time. Right now we are called to go out and point others to Christ so they may have the same hope. Any sweet fellowship we have on this earth is God’s grace. Meanwhile, my husband and I are praying about how we can reach out and make friendships with other couples and praying the Lord would send someone to help carry the load of ministry. I’ve also started writing letters of encouragement to the ladies in my church and contacting other pastor’s wives to encourage one another. God has sustained us this far by His grace and we are thankful. But we also know it is wise to have godly friends. Thank you again for writing this. My husband and I have talked about how we wish we could go back and be more of an encouragement to our previous pastors and their wives. Now we understand the huge burden they carried.
This is such a timely post. My husband has been pastoring for 6 years and I’ve felt each one of these at times. It’s like your not a real person. I’m proud of my husband and honored to be the “preachers wife” but I’m also just another woman longing for relationships that aren’t all about church. I think people don’t want to get too close b/c they’re afraid the preacher will know everything about them. But really we’re just real ordinary people too that God has called. I struggle often with loneliness and depression. It’s so hard to have a close girlfriend b/c people either think you’re playing favorites or they don’t want to get to know you. We have 4 children as well. It’s tough to care for them alone at church and build relationships wih people while keeping up with little ones. People forget that a pastors wide is like a single mother on Sundays in many ways. People also expect my children to be perfect. This drives me crazy b/coco never expect that of theirs. I expect mine to be respectful and obey but they are children and will act like it at times. My husband gets invited to lots of outings. Seems like the wives are often forgotten though. People just assume you’re busy. I love my church family and they are for the most part very loving but many don’t allow you to get close. Thanks for your prayers!
Thank you! I wish people from church can read this and understand that pastor’s wife are also humans. I’ve tried not to complain or feel left out about certain things that goes on in the church circle. As a pastor’s wife I’ve had felt the loneliness so many times, and believe me is not a pretty side. I try not to get close to church members because I am afraid that when they are not agreeing with us in certain subjects, they will use whatever we’ve share with them against us. I have had the experienced of sharing something personal with a church member just because I saw in this person that I could confide in them, to find out later that it was shared with others. I have had people from the church said to our faces that in the years they’ve been with us they have not learned anything (at least they’ve learned how to be mean and hateful). I heard all kinds of mean comments towards the pastor’s family. Its hard to be a pastor’s wife where everyone expect for you to be everywhere, to be available every time they call and on and on. Just because we are pastor’s wife doesn’t mean we are perfect. For this reason I have tried to be myself and not let them rule my life with their ways. I understand that I will have to be accountable before God for my actions and that is why I have taken into consideration that no matter what I do or not do, people in church will always have something to criticize you about. It doesn’t matter how much you do or say, they will always see the bad in you and never the goodness in your heart. I will say though that serving the Lord is the most wonderful thing I’ve done and I also understand that to serve the Lord and please Him I don’t have to be a pastor’s wife. But since I am in this ministry I have to make the best out of it…and believe me there is also joy in being a pastor’s wife, the Lord is the only one that never forsake or leave us stranded when everyone does. I do have something to say, I do not want to be seen like an ungrateful person, or be seen with pity because people treat me one way or another. I’ve like to be seen as a person that is serving the Lord and trying to do what I am supposed to do to please Him no matter what others think about it. We need to be ourselves and stand firm in our believes even when others tried to change our ways (taking into consideration they are good ways) or even when they don’t think you have it in you. If you as a pastor’s wife feel you are pleasing God in your ways, doing everything on your power to obey His word, then enjoy serving where the Lord has place you and He will see you through in any situation. Being a pastor’s wife is not easy, but its not impossible either.
Thank you for the loving concern expressed in this article for women married to pastors. I am going to share an opinion based on 40 years of observation within the church. It is a minority view.
While there are many causes of lonliness, all 12 causes mentioned in this article can easily be traced to an unhealthy, unbiblical clergy/laity distinction. One commenter shared that she could never share her struggles because it would damage the persona attached to her husband’s office. This isn’t an anomaly. It is unfortunately, ubiquitous. Let’s ask why. Let’s courageously slay this dragon (clergy/laity) before it detroys more marriages, families and churches.
My previous comment was writtten via smartphone (very tedious) and I wanted to elaborate a bit from my laptop.
I’m not aware of one New Testament scholar who endorses the current ubiquitous church phenomenon known as the clergy/laity distinction. This is where we take valid, NT gifts (i.e. pastor, evangelist, teacher etc.) and create man-made offices, elevating these “special clergy” above the “common laity.” Nowhere in the NT do we find one man monopolizing the regular gatherings of God’s people with 30 minute monologues. The best picture we DO have in the NT portrays each member coming to the gathering with vital contributions (a hymn, a teaching, an exhortation etc.).
We’ve created a franchise of churches (denominational & non-denominational) where, instead of allowing each body member (hand, foot, ear, eye) to contribute their vital gift, we’ve become passive consumers of the gifts of one member, the “pastor.” By charging one member (the pastor) do a disproportional amount of ministry, we create a co-dependent culture where laity need to be led and clergy need to be needed. Isolation and loneliness for pastors and their wives becomes the logical innevitability. “If people in my church knew my real struggles, doubts, fears, lonliness – they wouldn’t listen to my weekly homily with the same sense of urgency.” The pastor becomes the NT “Moses” – going up to the mountain to get a “word” from God to bring back down to the common man. Jesus died and rose for much more than this. He rent the veil, giving every body member direct access to the very presence of God. But we’re afraid to go up. We’d rather have our pastor go up for us.
I’m not suggesting that the lonliness expressed in these comments is completely due to an unbiblical ecclesiology. I’m also not trying to make light of the real suffering and felt needs of the women who wrote. However, I’m confident that if we addressed this issue (unbiblical clergy/laity distinction) we would strike a significant blow to the loneliness felt by many. A pastor is a brother in Christ with a gift from Christ. Nothing more. When we elevate them through church strutures and systems into a higher class of Christian, we isolate them from the gift of fellowship within their churches, forcing them to look outside their own church bodies, usually to clergy in other churches, for support. If we fail to courageously address this sin in the body, the loneliness felt by pastor’s wives will only continue to get worse.
Our pastor’s wife has a earned a good income with her own career. Our pastor has a total package of over six figures. We have a few members with six figure incomes, but most of us are in the mid 50’s for combined income. Our pastor made it clear that his wife had her own career goals and that she was not part of the package.
All of this was ironed out before he was called and it has worked out very well. Any disgruntled members must ask the question ” am I past of the problem, or am I a part of the solution.” Find a place of service in the church that uses your spiritual gifts and you will not have time to complain about what others are doing.
Amen!
Great article.
Being called “just a preachers wife” is one of my most disliked title. “Preacher” sounds like my husband only works one hour a week from the pulpit on Sunday. And it devalues me as a person. Since when am I title because of my husband occupation? We don’t go around calling over wives “just a doctors wife” or “just a plumbers wife” why is that label okay for us? but…
For any Pastor’s wives out there reading this and need a support group, there is a ministry called Leading and Loving It. It connects ministry wives through webinars, Facebook, and GoogleChat. Go to leadingandlovingit.com and check it out. My group has helped me share personal struggles and issues with no judgement, but lots of love, support, and encouragement from other pastors wives. It has been a HUGE blessing in my life!
I am a church-planter’s wife and have been a pastor’s wife for about 9 years or so. While there are many joys in this role, I find I have many hats to wear: wife, mother, nurse, friend, hostess, pastor to my husband’s heart, etc… I am seeking concealing this year particularly for the reason of loneliness so i find it interesting that you are wanting more insight on this issue. I do feel very lonely but never realized it really until recently as I haven’t been able to place some of these feelings until now. Some of those reasons you posted do not apply to me, but some do. Church planting has been especially hard for reasons of getting close to people, starting something from nothing, and then having people leave. Sometimes they tell you why and other times one is left guessing. Other times I get excited about people visiting, but then they find out we don’t have a certain “program” in the church they are looking for, so they leave. I don’t believe church should be “al a carte”. This attitude is disheartening as we should be about making disciples, living on mission, and about being the church as the book of Acts describes it. I live as a missionary where we are at, but definitely struggle with opening up my heart to others for REAL for fear of being left out in the open – hung to dry… I am working on letting those I think really care about me and my struggles hear my heart; letting them know am lonely. Not in a needy way, but in a real way. So, I would be interested in continuing to follow your postings on this issue and how pastor’s wives could help one another as we struggle with loneliness. Thanks again for caring about our hearts too.
I meant to post counseling instead of concealing…. spell check!
My situation is unique in that when we were hired in we were hired in as a team. And though I have more credentials than my husband, I’m still seen as the pastor’s wife. This doesn’t bother me at all. However, 2013 was a particularly difficult year for me.
Because I released a fiction book that year, prominent members wrote a letter stating they believed they shouldn’t pay me as much of a salary because they shouldn’t have to pay for my “extracurricular activities” of writing books. !!! Mind you, I have gone in the hole with this book (as it was my first fiction release), and haven’t made a dime. Also, I did not neglect any of my church duties! I do write books, but not on church time. This acknowledgment of their view of me wounded me to the core.
In reflection, I wonder how I could have handled talking about the book (which I did very little of) better. I’m not sure anything I could have said would have mattered. Ignorance is ignorance and often ignorance is not something that can be reasoned with.
I was extremely hurt last year for many of the reasons you listed. I can’t share confidences with anyone and the church HAS had a negative affect on my children who are all grown now. My oldest son resents the church for many valid reasons. He turned to drugs and is now incarcerated. (I acknowledge this is not the church’s fault but his own.) The deep pain his incarceration has caused him, his three daughters, his marriage (broken), and our own family is one thing, but the judgment of the church women is entirely another. There are some things you simply do not say to a mother of a prisoner.
Bottom line, there is PAIN in ministry and we can’t expect it NOT to be painful when Christ’s ministry was as well. The fact is, we are targets of the enemy. Both as women and as ministers. Whatever we value most the devil will target. Usually that’s our family. And my family has been buffeted in countless ways.
When reasoning with my adult children I remind them that many kids — not just pastor’s kids — have it a little more rough than the average family. Politician’s kids, public leader’s kids, school teacher’s/administrator’s kids. Preacher’s kids aren’t the only ones. But what makes it harder, I suppose, is that people who purport to be full of the saved and filled with the Holy Spirit produce fruit (of their lips) that state otherwise. And I think that’s one reason that the hurt is deeper. It’s a Pharisee thing, perhaps? I’m not sure.
I am looking again for the joy in ministry. I lost it last year. I did take a month off, for which I’m grateful. I am in mourning for my son. I know that in time, my Loving Heavenly Father will turn my mourning into dancing. I eagerly await the other side. My future is bright because I’m being refined like gold. I am determined to shine.
— Karla Akins, in ministry for 32+ years
God bless you.
I appreciate the article and having been a Pastor’s Wife for over 25 years ( and a Pastor’s daughter) I can relate to each issue at different times in my life. One of the most resonating things ever said to me is this: “Ministry provides the greatest joys, but it also provides the greatest hurts, because we give it all!” There have been times that I have longed to just be someone’s friend without being the “Pastor’s Wife”. Years ago I was invited to a Christmas party at a lady’s house where she invited many co-workers, life-long friends, etc. I was excited about my invitation and thought that I had been invited as a friend, not the Pastor’s Wife. I must confess that I was disappointed to continually be introduced by the hostess to her “friends”, but I was never referred to as a friend, only the “Pastor’s wife”. I am thankful for my opportunity to be in ministry and invest in people, but I will admit that it is a very lonely position at times. I’ve been at gatherings of hundreds of people (our church people) and been one of the loneliest people there. The most important things for me to realize is that I’m under attack and to realize where the attack comes from. Satan is my enemy and knows my weak spots and that is where he attacks!
Mr. Ranier, Thank you for your continual encouragement to the Pastor and his wife.
I have always thought being “the pastor’s wife” was a title worthy of respect and admiration. I never knew it could seem like an insult to a pastor’s wife. I will keep that in mind.
I believe the rub might be being introduced as the pastors wife first instead of after sharing your name. So it would be better to say to a guest in church ‘I want you to meet Gerri, our pastor’s wife’ vs. ‘And this is our pastor’s wife’.
I do believe that the reason some people introduce you as the pastor’s wife is a type of way of warning people to be careful of what you talk about in front of this person. For the sake of respect and sometimes because she might tell what you say to her husband or it could just be a way of saying, please don’t say anything embarrassing in front of her, she’s my pastor’s wife. I believe these maybe a few of the reasons why the pastor’s wife is treated like she lives on the isle of patmos.
For me, I don’t mind being called the “Pastor’s wife” but loathe “preacher’s wife” or if people add “JUST A” in front of the title makes it more demeaning.
I do think for the most part the “Title” is a respectable one. I think it’s when it’s said like, “JUST the Pastor’s wife”. Just like I LOVE being called mom… but when said, “your JUST a mom” it’s disrespectful.
One issue I’ve encountered is being made to feel like an outsider because we aren’t well established in the community, as in we didn’t grow up in the church, we weren’t members of the community who chose this church above the others, rather, we just “showed up to get paid.” In my presence, a member of the church, discouraging people from leaving the church over disagreements or distaste for leadership, told my Sunday School class, “Pastors come and go, but this is our church. This is our family.” My takeaway was that because I’m the youth pastor’s wife, we are excluding from being included as part of the family because my husband is hired help, I’m just along for the ride, and this we are disposable, a dime a dozen.
I have been in a church where people didn’t want to get to know us, because pastors (and family) just came and went. Hired help. It was hard to deal with. I feel your pain!
Although my husband is not a pastor, he is still a licensed minister and was a campus minister to International Students for over 13 years. I have struggled for years with the fact that we have no real “friends” locally, and just a handful that live out of town. It’s really hard to feel supported when you don’t “see” that support. It has left a bitter taste in my mouth and I have asked God for guidance and forgiveness. However, even through those lonely years, I DO thank God for the International students that we have reached for Christ and who still keep in contact with us. Although my husband now has a secular job, we still minister to those students every chance we get.
I just wanted to second the recommendation for Leading and Loving It as a ministry by and for ministers’ wives. I came across it a year or so ago, and God has used it to help me start to heal from a few years of church-wide turmoil. I encourage other ministers’ wives to at least check it out.
I have been a pastor’s wife for 14 years. There are times of loneliness and being ignored. This has strongly encouraged me to strengthen my relationship with Christ. I use to whine to my husband about members doing this and that but I whine to God instead. God has taken me under His wing. He has comforted, strengthen and taken the feelings of loneliness away. Life has way too many things to do instead of seeking friendship from people I seek God’s friendship. People will do what they do. Just gotta love them. I am a daughter of the King and I act like one. Not a child of the devil, whining and weak. There is a solution. Seek God and get stronger for the church of God. Not the church of people.
Great advice for all Christians. Make your relationship with God priority so you can stand against the devil’s schemes.
I’m a student pastor and some of my volunteers questioned why my wife was not active and involved in the student ministry. I had to remind them that the church hired me, not her, so she can serve in whatever way she desires. How am I being a loving husband if I force her to serve in my area of ministry. She will be serving in student ministry soon, but it was on her terms. Her taking time to be in a class with others and develop close relationships was the best thing for her.
I have been a pastor’s wife for over 20 years, the last nine as a church planter’s wife. I too know the loneliness of ministry, but I feel so blessed to be in a church where we had the opportunity to grow and disciple our people from the ground up. No, it’s not easy and it isn’t financially stable sometimes, but the beauty of Christ’s body shared at our church makes me really sad for some of my sisters in ministry who commented above. I can’t even wrap my mind around someone who calls themselves a Christian but would question how we (pastors and wives) spend our money or threaten us if we decided to buy a home. I suppose it’s good I’m not the pastor’s wife at those churches, I might not be able to hold my tongue.
I have had to implement several things in my life to combat the loneliness and I’ll be honest, sometimes I’m still lonely.
1) I had to take control of my relationships and not wait for them to come to me. I had to create the “group” or “ladies night girls” that I wanted to be with and make that happen instead of waiting to be invited.
2) I take very seriously the mentorship of our staff wives. Our staff has been smaller and larger at times, but I always make an effort to meet with our staff wives and elders wives. This is so important to me because when I was the young staff wife, none of the pastor’s wives we worked with took the time to mentor or train me. I realized later they had their own things to deal with, but at the time it really hurt.
3) Counseling, Counseling, Counseling: Sooooooooo worthwhile. If you can find a good, godly counselor, it can be a huge release of the pressure valve called Pastor’s Wife.
4) Leading and Loving It – mentioned above is also a good resource. Going to conferences with your spouse, making friendships with other women dealing with the same thing, is a huge way to alleviate some of the loneliness.
Thanks Thom for bringing to light these issues (loneliness of pastor’s wives, difficulty making friendships) that often lurk in the dark. Thanks for creating this dialogue! Blessings to you and your wife!
The reasons listed could be used by any woman in the body of Christ. The fact that you are married to the pastor doesn’t change life. You still need to love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your mind. Stop looking at yourself and your “situation” and get busy doing what God has commanded. Titus says we are to be zealous for good deeds. Get busy serving and you won’t have a whole lot of time to hear negative complaints, you will be put along side sweet saints that have walked tougher battles of life than you and that always puts life in perspective. sorry but this pastors wife of 29 years feigns a yawn when I hear how “HARD” it is to be a pastor’s wife. In the words of my mother–“You don’t have it rough–You could be in a concentration camp!”
You say to “get busy serving and you won’t have time to hear the negative complaints”. Don’t worry, they’ll come anyway! It’s either “you do too much and are trying to take over the whole church” or “you need to serve in more areas”. We can’t please everyone in our church. And you make it seem like those of us who are sharing are sitting at home feeling sorry for ourselves 24/7 and not serving in our churches. Not so. Sounds like you need to practice a little grace.
Please forgive my lack of grace. I sincerely want to challenge our American mind set that it is all about us. If you are lonely, call someone, go visit an elderly shut in with your children, join a group in your community that you can share Jesus or many other things that would fit your life and stage. God has called us to serve. Remember who you are serving and the negative comments will roll off your back (with maybe a few tears).
That really doesn’t sound very gracious at all of you. You know, you don’t have to minimize someone’s suffering by trying to “put it in perspective.” If your mother did that to you, then it wasn’t any more right for her to do it to you than it is for you to do it to others. This sort of behavior is a form of gaslighting–implying that someone has no right to feel a particular way, robbing them of their feelings and their feelings’ validity, refusing to recognize those feelings. People’s emotions are valid and their concerns are valid. Telling them to COWBOY UP and DRIVE THROUGH IT isn’t really very helpful.
Please allow me to challenge your thinking. Where in the Bible would you find that people’s emotions and feelings are valid? I see instruction to guard our hearts and keep them with all diligence. To set our minds on things of God. and to serve the Lord with gladness. I didn’t mean to minimize anyone’s “suffering” but let’s not call silly things suffering either.
I just read this, so I’m way out of date, but wanted to support Claudia here. It can be a great blessing for clergy wives, or anyone, to share their pain and console each other. But it’s debilitating to get stuck at that point, and my experience is that clergy-wives-support groups usually do. There comes a time to stop exploring our own experience and reflecting on our own legitimate pain, and put those things aside. It really does work, to deliberately cut off such thoughts, and instead focus on what needs to be done; as she says, there is always someone who has suffered more than you. If you’re lonely, find someone even lonelier in the congregation and phone them, ask them to lunch. People who have suffered make strong and sensitive leaders. Claudia is right that there is no concern in the Bible for treating emotions tenderly. It doesn’t say “comforter” in John 14 but “paraklesis” which means someone called alongside to help. When the King James version chose “Comforter”, the word meant “with strength,” a strengthener. Today’s translations don’t use “Comforter” but “Helper” “Advocate” “Counselor.” It never was about focusing on emotional pain.
Claudia, while you are right about staying other focused and serving, I think this article and subsequent responses were a safe place for people to share their feelings and experiences. I don’t think it was a place where they were requesting scolding. I came to this site after googling “blog for pastors wives who are struggling”. Even though I am sad for all of those that are hurting, it also was reassuring that I am not alone in my feelings. Yes, we aren’t to rely on feelings, but we are made in God’s image and that includes emotions. Feeling sad and lonely are exactly that, feeling sad and lonely. What we do with those feelings is another thing. I don’t believe any of these ladies actually acted out on these feelings (meaning they don’t isolate themselves, but continue to pull up their boot straps and continue on serving), but this was just a place to say, hey I am lonely, too. Your response is the typical response I get from my husband, just deal with it and don’t go on feelings, which further saddens me. I think these ladies on this site simply want an “I understand” or to validate what you are feeling, that you are NOT alone. Knowing that I am not alone is all I needed to continue on. Otherwise, thinking we are the ONLY ones to feel this way gives way to feeling like a failure. Does that make sense? I agree we need to serve, I think that is an obvious statement. We just need to continue to encourage each other and lift each other up.
I DO remember God saying he was sending a comforter. The Holy Spirit to comfort us in times of trouble. Jesus sympathizes with the fact that we are humans with human emotions. If a congregant’s mother passed away, would you scold her for mourning? No, the word says to mourn with those who mourn and rejoice with those who rejoice. I don’t recall it saying anywhere to tell someone that is hurting and feeling lonely to suck it up. But to encourage in love. We ARE human. We WILL have human emotions. Most of these ladies have been treated poorly yet they continue on in ministry loving God. Nothing has changed with their love for God nor their passion for ministry. We are allowed to feel what we feel without it being selfish. And we can be as Christ is, compassionate, loving and merciful. He cares about our emotions, our hurt feelings, and our loneliness. He even cares about those who will not comfort, but instead ridicule and belittle.
This is an insightful article. I’m not saying it’s untrue, because I’ve definitely seen these things first hand to a certain extent. I do think there’s so much to be done to avoid a lot of it though, so I thought I’d share my experience as an associate pastor’s wife.
First, while it absolutely is my role as a wife to support, encourage and respect my husband, I recognize myself as so much more than someone who’s only role is behind the scenes. Wives, God has called us all to something big. Wife is first, but not all. Whether in a traditionally defined ministry role or something else completely, I’ve found that having something that is “yours,” something that God has given you a passion for and pursuing it as God leads, is a great balance. I’m a small business owner and as such, it brings balance to my husband’s ministry role. I support him and our church whole-heartedly and he supports me. For us, this is key.
We’re also blessed to be in a ministry community that is very aware of burnout and proactive about avoiding it in order to grow a healthy ministry and foster what are ultimately biblical family values.
Perhaps it’s already been covered (this is my first time to your site), but Thom I think it would be great to dig a little deeper into the points that pastor’s wives often feel like their husband’s aren’t pursuing them and are second to the church.
I know this is meant to be an eye-opening piece and I hope to some pastors it is. What I’d love to say to them is that while we as Christians, in any career capacity, are called to share the gospel and be a light to the world, we cannot save. That is something only Jesus can do. So we can take some of that weight off of trying to be all things to all people in the name of ministry. We point to Jesus, and Jesus, who is infinity more than us, does what only he can do. Ultimately, we are his witnesses, but he is our savior. He didn’t call us to be saviors. He didn’t call us to a life of over extension and burnout. In fact, the opposite. He called men to be husbands and fathers and heads of households.
Obviously all Christians are called to a life of ministry as church leaders and elsewhere. But in the end, what have you to say for putting your family on the back burner?
That’s not an effective way to lead ministry.
I know the burden of ministry. It’s actually a good thing, it compels us to spread the gospel and show the love of Jesus wherever and whenever we can.
I guess I just want to encourage the man (or woman) in ministry who may be struggling to find balance and put their family first with the truth that God’s got this. Jesus said HE would build his church. When our ministries are anchored in the gospel, they will prevail. Not because of us, but because Jesus said HE would build his church and not even the gates of hell would prevail against it.
So in light of that promise from the person, the God, we are trusting with our eternity, trust that if you tell someone you can’t meet with them because you’re taking your wife out on a date or you’re spending time with your kids, God’s got it. He actually always had it, and just let you be a part. He will build his church. So feel free to take your wife out on a date. Chances are when people see a pastor and his wife as such a united front, centered in Jesus, they’d feel awfully uncomfortable making snide remarks about their opinions on the preaching or diminishing the (frankly pretty esteemed) roll as pastor’s wife.
Your last paragraph is interesting! My favorite phrase is ‘God’s got this!’ My husband and I are definitely a united front- loving Jesus and loving people, my prayer is for those critics is to feel awfully uncomfortable! It is not always the case, for they feel they are doing ” the work of God” by criticizing us! I actually was criticized for being to passionate about sharing the gospel of Jesus Christ! My issue is when leadership do not handle situations biblically! Red flags! Matt 18,Matt 5 – I want to live out Matt 22:34-39! That means loving my critics and accusers! I am not saying I don’t wrestle with hurt! I pray the hurt prepares me for the next step of ministry!
Thank you Thom for highlighting this seldom mentioned issue. After a mere decade as a pastors life my biggest lesson has been to keep going back to scripture. I’ve been disappointed in church members, and I’m sure they been disappointed in me. But the New Testament is full of Christians who struggle with sin, with gossip, who fall out. Through my husbands pastoring of me I’ve realised I need to expect these issues and follow Christ example to continue love the church, even when she looks more like the bride of Frankenstein than than the bride if Christ! Remembering it’s His church, not ours enables me to hold loosely to criticism, and continue to serve even when I don’t get the reward my sinful heart desires. Having right expectations is a phrase I come back to frequently and frees me to love and preserve in relationships. Another large lesson has been that we are to serve the church rather than see it as a place to have our needs fulfilled. I have good friends in our church, but also close friends both christan and secular outside of the church. I pray that God would use your article and this discussion to help us all see again the priviledge and pitfalls this calling has. Blessings
Thank you for your article! My reasons aren’t exactly like yours! If you surveyed 10 pastors wives you probably would get 10 different reasons! Today we will be honored at a farewell lunch after serving for 23 years! We have been in ministry for over 30 years! We both grew up having ministry modeled! My dad was a pastor and I married a pastor! I knew what I was getting into and being young I was going to do ministry different, I was going to be real and transparent ! I can echo so many things that were already posted! From my perspective, it really is a spiritual battle! My own spiritual journey has been strengthened by church bullies and those who believe they are well meaning! Disappointments happen! Are my motives pure? Am I loving Jesus with my whole heart, mind and soul? Am I loving my neighbor (those in the church too) ? Am I being obedient to what God has called me? In the end – it is my heart that needs a bypass! Being a pastors wife is a ministry in and of itself. We need care! We need love! We need boundaries! Sometimes people need a punch physically and spiritually! ( said with utmost love) I love church ministry , but I am ready and feel called to be with unchurched! We will always be in ministry! now maybe I will have time to write that book on who pastors the pastor! Yes there will be a couple chapters on taking care of his wife too!
I am not a pastor’s wife, but I have a pastor’s wife. i am so thankful you wrote this post. I responded to a comment on an earlier post from a pastor’s wife who seemed to be experiencing deep depression and isolation on top of having a special needs child that needed ongoing care. it has haunted me in such a way that it made me more aware of the struggles pastors wives may have and my need to pray for mine more. She is a beautiful person and our church is one where it is often encouraged from the pulpit that family always comes first before ministry. It is even built into the structure of our church school that Wednesday is family night. School is half day so church staff can be with their families. Our prayer meeting are on Thursday nights. I know that was one small area you pointed out. From a non-pastors wife’s perspective, I can tell you that you are loved, looked up to, appreciated. Those that criticize are weak and insecure. I appreciate the “flaws” so to speak because it reminds me that we are human, imperfect sinners saved by grace. God bless.
I have been a pastors wife for 35 years now!! I remember in high school (I went to a Christian school) our Bible teacher asked our class how many of the girls wanted to marry a pastor and NO ONE raised their hands!! I think I am the only one from my class that actually did end up marrying a pastor…..
It is a job that has it’s ups and downs. My family has pretty much always lived away from our families, so holidays were hard, yet we grew very close because of it, and my kids are still very close to this day. There were many times we were alone for holidays and no one ever suggested we come and share the day with their families. It just was never thought of I guess.
I guess I could also add the things like it is a joy to see someone come to the Lord, a given of course. But sadly, my husbands ministry has been a hard one. The Lord has sent him to churches that are in bad shape, often they were pastor killers, mowing down one pastor after another. We always felt that the Lord sent him to these churches as God’s last call to them.
So because of this, maybe my view is rather tainted, but frankly I think most people in churches today simply want a pastor to pat them on the head, tell them what good little boys and girls they are, and send them on their way. There are few and far between that really want to hear truth, the hard truths and live them out daily, let alone act these things out to their pastor and his family!! I have sat in church while the little old ladies (who think they run the church) sit behind me and talk about my husband and my kids. Or, the Sunday school teacher who tells my daughter that his new wife was pregnant when they got married and oh yeah, don’t tell your dad about it!!! Or the people who get upset because your son doesn’t date any of the girls in your church, and he tells you “mom I would not date ANY of them because they are NOT nice girls!” (turns out one of these “nice” girls from church was involved in group sex at school!!) Or the deacon board, all men, who basically do what their wives or mother in laws tell them to do and argue with my husband over who he should or should not marry in the church…..
So, yes, pw’s do get lonely. We get that way because we have learned that it is not safe when we do manage to find someone who is willing to even try to be a friend. My one close friend drove my husband home after a meeting, two blocks mind you, and word quickly spread they were having an affair. When her husband was sick and I was also sick with bronchitis at the same time, you can just imagine what was THEN implied!!! So, not only is not safe for the pw to have friends, it is not safe for the friends either!!! Do I long for someone to simply go shopping with? Would it be fun to have a friend to go have coffee with or get a pedicure with? Oh yes!!! But I gave up years ago. I have learned to be content in some ways. I have other pw friends (who don’t live near me unfortunately) I chat with daily, and I have my daughter I talk with and when she is here to visit we have lots of fun together, but it is certainly not the same……God gave me a very loving husband who is my friend as well and we have fun together. He makes our time together a priority, he has always done that to his credit.
Maybe someday, when my husband is retired, and we live someplace where he is not the pastor, maybe then, but I will always be careful. I will always never fully trust, I will always watch my back. Been burned way to many times!!
I would add that sometimes loneliness stems from not having any family nearby. Many pastors wives who write to me say that they feel like foreign missionaries even though they are on western soil. It is difficult to not have many options for babysitting (which affects the frequency of dates as well) and to be alone when trials come to yourself or to the family who is far away. We have personally experienced this, having been in Canada for 8 years. All of our family is 2,000 miles away and we’ve only seen them a handful of times in those 8 years. My father in law currently has cancer, which is difficult, and I’ve missed some family funerals because of distance. Yes, these are some of the sacrifices that we make, but it is not easy. It is often the root of my loneliness especially around holidays.
interesting article. i served with my husband over 40 years…most of it in pastoral ministry. i tho’t there were a few of these issues that could easily be dealt with by better communication. some of which i didn’t realize could be big problems…and my husband set the tone for when we married. it’s not too late!
1. superficial relationships–don’t wait for people to make the first move! there is no rule on who has to make the first move in relationships. when you go to activities, invite some of the people who don’t seem to have someone to go with. find outside interests from the church where you might have tings in common. the church is part of your life not all of it.
2.this is an issue that any wife of any workaholic husband has to deal with. it is not b/c her husband is a pastor, but b/c he is a workaholic or poorly organizes his time. most pastors take a day off (other than sunday since that day isn’t off in any manner of speaking!) they discuss it with their board and let the church know. barring a major, life-trheatening emergency, that day is for their wife and family. you work is out as a couple. this also relates to comments re date night and his priority for you in his life. honestly, it is up to you to speak up to him re your desires in this aspect of your life! i have learned this over time…the hard way. there is nothing anymore “christian” about stewing silently in resentment of your husband. in fact, it isn’t christian at all. you need to speak up!
3. mean comments from church members need to be dealt with even if not with a simple comment like, “are you saying what i think you’re saying?” “this comment is coming across rather critically to me. am i reading something into it or is that what you meant to say?” “how does that comment fit in with attitudes describes in I cor. 13?” depending on your temperament, you can go for subtle humor, break into tears, or ask a fairly non-judgmental push-back question. some people can be bullies…even in churches. they need to be challenged…kindly. by showing you notice a person is being cruel and not tolerating it when it is inappropriate, they will be slower to do it again. you may want to let it go once, maybe even twice, but when it becomes a regular thing, stand up in a way that shows you are paying attention and will call them on their non-christian, inappropriate behavior. it is disrespectful to you as a person…has nothing to do with whether you are a pastor’s wife or not.
4. it was made clear by my husband to everyone starting with the board, that i was not a member of the staff. but i had to reinforce it by pointing people to him or the board if they had complaints. i did’t have to listen to their complaints. it is easy to joke about it these days by saying “it’s above my paygrade.” or just simply saying that they need to talk directly to him, not me. he can answer their questions and deal with their issues, not me. i can do it with a smile on my face and pleasantly…but it will save me many sleepless nites. my husband never lost sleep over these kinds of things…at all!
5. there is no question that broken confidences hurt. following thro’ with Biblical principles of peacemaking, tho’ very uncomfortable will be helpful. reconciliation may or may not result but it will be a first step in the work of GOD in the life of the other person…and you. learning to forgive is a painful process…as well as the process of reconciliation. but GOD often uses both to grow us in our faith and ability to love and serve others. this kind of pain is part of what GOD uses in the lives of people who have served Him well.
6. moving a lot. it’s tough for sure and it can be difficult. enjoy the good things about where you live and the church where you minister….while you are there. then enjoy the next place, grieve the loss, keep up with the friends you leave behind and move on. you will look back and miss things about every place you lived but there will be some things you will be glad you left behind too…no matter how much you loved each church. moving adds texture to your life! it is extremely educational for your kids. it will give your kids a lot in common with people in the military and others who have moved around often.
7. being a second class citizen is in the eye of the beholder! it is up to us as pastor’s wives to know who we are in Christ. these are the kinds of things that push us in that direction. just b/c a person treats us as 2nd class, doesn’t mean we are…and if we are firm in our understanding of who we are in Christ, it will roll off our shoulders. in truth, there will be days we will do fine with it and days we won’t. it is part of life and not limited to being pastor’s wife.
8. as pastor’s wives, we need to realize that support groups are not a required part of ministry. GOD promises to provide us with all the resources we need to do and be who He wants us to be. a pastor’s wife needs to be someone who is growing in her faith. maybe we are setting up a false dichotomy. at times we want to be in a different category and not be treated differently…at others, we want to blend in. we can’t have it both ways. we don’t have a position in the leadership. yes, b/c of our husbands, we are looked at carefully, but we need to live as honest believers. we will often fail. there is no way around it. we are fallen people living in a fallen world….ministering to people who are in the same boat as we are! sometimes GOD provides us with older women who can be a help to us. it will take time. we don’t have to dump every concern on them, but definitely ask for prayer, develop a relationship, take it slow. GOD will give the needed resources for you to be the pastor’s wife they need.
9. re children, help give your children a positive view of your church. they don’t need to know about all the behind the scenes mess that happens. they can’t handle it and they can be prejudiced against people GOD could use for good in their lives. when you talk about the church and church people, be positive in the way you talk about them. it is good practice for you and good for your kids. as far as discipline of your kids, you and your husband are responsibile b/f GOD for that. if your children are unmanageable or unruly, you may need to get some help. but remember that they are your responsibility. you are not responsible to raise your kids in a way that prevents them from offending others. you are to raise them in the way they are made to go so that when they aregrown, they will (hopefully) move toward GOD. hopefully, your church will be a positive influence for good in that same direction!
once again, you and your husband MUST be in agreement in this arena.
I’m new to the clergy spouse life as well. It’s a little disheartening to hear one of your own say ‘quit whining.’ I haven’t experienced everything on the ltis – and I may not. But I respect the fact that this is a list that has been compiled based on responses. So it would be reasonable to assumethat not everyone has the same experiences, correct? It hasn’t been an easy road for me either. I feel for those who HAVE dealt with anything on this list. I find it comforting that we are NOT alone. Just because we have a negative feeling doesn’t make us terrible people. It makes us just that – people. I would love to see better spouse support in my conference but I haven’t seen it yet. Until then, I will support who I can, when I can and any way I can. Blessings to all and thank you, Thom!
I have been blessed enough that early on in ministry I had a doting Pastor’s Wife that ministered to me in such a special way (I was the youth pastor’s wife). She wasn’t at the church long, but while things were still good and I was still young she nurtured a love of ministry in me. Around the same time our church had a special speaker and during the alter time I went forward. As he prayed over me, he asked me to look at him in the eye as he had a word from God for me. He told me that there would be times when I felt as if my only job was picking up trash. That the unpleasant jobs, the thankless jobs, the undesired jobs would all fall on me. That I would go home and feel like a trash man after a busy trash day. But that God valued me for doing it while still praising God. That someone had to do the cleaning. That a church needed someone to be strong enough to handle the mounds of trash that can be left behind. And although the job did not seem glorious, God called me to do it graciously. And although It’d be nice to be told that God had called me to sit in the front row with a crown on my head receiving praise day in and day out… it is just a pure honor to have a calling God put on my life. It has helped in those situations where I feel there is no one on my side. And yes, I’ve picked up lots of “trash” along the way. I’ve dealt with complaints about my husband, my kids, my husband has heard complaints about me. I’ve been lied about, talked bad about, and utterly ignored, but I’ve also held a crying woman in my arms in the bathroom. I’ve missed adult conversations so that moms could worship uninterrupted while their kids were cared for. I’ve parented alone while my husband made a spiritual difference in our community. The trash isn’t always glorious, but it glorifies God. And THAT make it worth it. Carnally lonely? Many times! Spiritually alone? NEVER!
I’m SO grateful that someone is willing to write about this to make people aware of this issue. I have personally watched the cruel attitudes, tearing down of the pastor’s wife, gossip, etc. It wasn’t because it happened to me, it’s because it happened to my Mother. The expectations put on us as Pastor’s Kids to be perfect or “be the example,” was very difficult, not only for my siblings and I, but also for my Mother to deal with. My husband is active duty Navy, so we move a lot, and that has caused us to attend several different churches across the country. After seeing what I call, “the good, the bad and the ugly” of the church growing up, my husband and I made a commitment that even when we have to move from a community, we continue to pray for each Pastor, Pastor’s Wife and their children, that we have had the wonderful opportunity of having as our Shepherds. Pastor’s families have a big target on their back. The enemy would love nothing better than to distract them from what God has called them to do, and try to stir up trouble in their marriages, their families, and their ministry. As a believer, (and a PK) I truly feel that part of my responsibility is to pray for my pastors, extend hospitality to them (it can get lonely at the top), encourage them, offer to babysit so the Pastor & his wife can have a “date night,” and let them know how much we appreciate them! I know it would have really encouraged my parents as pastors! 🙂
As a pastor’s wife I am concerned about your recent article on Twelve Reasons Pastors’ Wives are Lonely. My concern is not that your points are untrue, as many pastor’s wives (myself included) have experienced several if not all of the twelve on the list. There is no doubt that a pastor’s wife might at times feel lonely, criticized, and misunderstood. My concern rests in the fact that dwelling on the difficulties of ministry without offering biblical hope can lead to self-pity and despair.
The positive use of your article might be following: church member reads article, gains compassion and empathy for her pastor’s wife, reaches out to her pastor’s wife in thankfulness and encourages her to continue in the ministry. The result is that God’s work continues and is more effective because a sister in Christ is encouraged to continue in her service to Him.
The negative use of your article might be the following: pastor’s wife (who is having a difficult time in the ministry for any number of reasons) reads article; article encourages her to self-pity. Pastor’s wife is confirmed in her thinking, being relieved that others feel the same way she does. “Nobody has it as bad as I do. Life’s not fair. Why do I even try to serve God in the ministry? People should be nicer to me. My husband doesn’t pay enough attention to me. I deserve better than this.” The result is that the pastor’s wife feels justified in her growing bitterness towards her church members and the ministry in general; the church members sense her bitterness, and relationships are strained even more than before.
I already know one woman who, upon reading the article, posted it on her facebook page with a comment like, “This article is so true! I have experienced this in every church I have been in.” Her son even commented on #10, confirming that he was tired of church members expecting him to be perfect. Now the whole world (or at least all of her “friends”) knows that she resents her husband, her church, and specifically, them. How can this be helpful?
It is ok and even compassionate and right to pity others, but it is destructive to pity self. Self-pity is never helpful; its focus is on God’s neglect (or inability) to deliver to me what I deserve (i.e., my rights are being violated and God is not good and sovereign). I am reminded of Asaph in Psalm 73. Although the reason for his bitterness was different (he was envious of those who seemed to prosper), was the mental process not the same? Can’t you just imagine what he was thinking: “Nobody has it as bad as I do. Life’s not fair. Here I am struggling, and those wicked people out there have it easy (v. 2-12)! Why do I even try to serve God (v. 13-16)?” Asaph’s problem was that He had forgotten God’s goodness (v.1). Asaph needed to see his life from God’s perspective. He did not and even could not understand his situation until he went into the sanctuary of God (v. 17ff).
I believe it is destructive for people to dwell on the difficulties God has allowed in their lives and to see them as anything other than God’s personal training to form them into the image of His Son. The peace that only God can give will come by obeying Paul’s admonition to dwell on things that are true, honorable, right, pure lovely and of good repute (Phil 4:8.9). As an example of thinking God’s truth, you might ask yourself: “Why am I surprised when I do what’s right—exactly what God has called me to do—and I suffer for it?” The truth is that you have been called for this purpose, for Christ also suffered for you, leaving an example for you to follow in His steps (1 Peter 2:21). The mental process might go something like this: “I really don’t like my circumstances (or this person), but God is good and He has allowed this in my life. What is God trying to show me? How can I grow through this trial? How have I myself contributed to the difficulty I am in? What bad attitudes are coming out of my heart, and how can I address my own unbiblical attitudes about God, about myself, and others? I will refuse to use this situation as an excuse to sin. This seems really ‘unfair,’ but I am going to be like Jesus, and entrust myself to God (1 Peter 2:23) since HE, not I knows best.”
To the pastors’ wives who are weary and heavy laden: will you allow yourself to get bogged down in self-pity and bitterness, or will you walk in the Spirit and follow the example of our Lord? Rather than learning from the world that would tell you, “That’s not fair! I deserve better!,” will you learn from Jesus? Will you see your difficulties as random and unwelcomed attacks that are unfair, or hardships from a sovereign God, who has given you exactly the people and circumstances you need to help you to grow to become like Him? Jesus Himself said, Come to ME . . . learn from ME . . . for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls (Matt 11:28-30).
Yes, as a pastor’s wife I sometimes feel lonely, criticized, and misunderstood. I am tempted to be drawn into self-pity and despair. But what a privilege to be called to serve in His church! Since I have a very strong tendency to wrong thinking, I need to commit to dwelling on God’s truth. When difficult times come, I will strive to not slip into worldly thought patterns that will destroy me as well as my ministry. Then, instead of self-pity and despair, I will find God’s peace and rest for my soul.
Well said.
Thank you for your insight in this matter. Good stuff!
Amen! Well said.
Response to each point:
1. Make a friend with another pastor’s wife. She needs a friend too. Don’t wait.
2. Make your husband a priority. Your love, your touch, your making time for him invigorates him like no other. Discover what you can do that energizes him. He will eventually see that you ARE what he needs most.
3. Show grace and mercy like Jesus does. Pray for them. Guide your husband but let him lead you.
4. Your encouraging to your husband can do more than 10,000 complaints. Praise him when you can.
5. Your confidant is Christ alone. Remember your pastor wife friend across town not across the pew.
6. You don’t realize how much your husband NEEDS YOU to get close to him. God called you to be HIS helpmate. Teach him by gentle guidance how HE can meet those needs in you. Don’t wait for him to make the move. Move close to him.
7. Stay at home mothers get the same reaction. Women without college degrees are treated the same way. Jesus himself was without honor in His own homeland. At some point we must realize those without the Spirit’s love will always look down upon others. Stand strong. It is your calling …Not theirs.
8. Look for online support and blogs by pastors wives for pastors wives such as: http://careforpastors.org/category/pastors-wives/
9. Offer to come home with a special “desert” that is only for your husband. (if you know what I mean) Must husbands will do all in their power for such an offer. But remember. Desert is AFTER dinner and a night out.
10. Remind them you are reading one of the best books on parenting but you haven’t finished it yet. It not only gives instructions for the children but for their parents too. It’s called the Bible. But really, sarcasm doesnt work any better than advice not sought for. Pray for them. Listen to what they have to say. Look for any truth in their advice. Throw out the rest and raise your children by God’s word.
11. Become a team player WITH your husband. Look for areas you can serve with him. Even if its something as small as to bring him a glass of water right before he preaches. Be his Timothy. Ask him if YOU can pray for him every Saturday night before Sunday services. BECOME a part of his team. He just might notice how special you really are. God knows he NEEDS you. Sometimes we men forget how much we need our wives in ministry.
12. Let others know that you would love to go …but you don’t have the resources. Enjoy what you do have. Be grateful for what you do have never resentful. Be faithful to God and He will be faithful to you. The fruit of your labor will come. Remember it’s fruit not fast growing vegetables. Fruit trees take time before they produce a harvest.
great points, Jas. We are not victims, and we need to remember that! It’s so important to approach the problem with solutions like that instead of dwelling on the problem and developing a victim mindset.
I’ve been a pastor’s wife for 5 years now, I will have to say I have been very happy in that position. I am included in many church activities, and ministry projects, but if I’m not I dont fret. I work full time as a nurse, there have been a few comments about me not being at church on Sunday nights if I am on duty. I comment that my job is my calling from a very young age. I work with Alzheimer patients and their families, and I feel I am serving the Lord every shift that I work. I am very active in church, and my husband never pushes me to do more than i can handle. I have made a couple of very close friends in our church- we encourage each other in our God-walk. I am very blessed to have a wonderful marriage, my husband takes time out for “us” and our church family respects and appreciates that.
I totally see these actions in church. I also see members treating more than the pastor’s wife this way. When you start going to a new church, it is never easy fitting in. I see a lot of superficial relationships in the church. Everyone is on display and do not want to show anyone else that their life is not ideal, their kids are not perfect, or anything else negative in their life. Maybe it is time to start relationship classes in the church. I think it is a lot like schools–you have those “in” cliques and if you are not a part, you are very lonely. Shouldn’t the church be the most comfortable place we go?
I forwarded this article to my wife, as she is a Pastor’s wife and I do have empathy for her; that being said….I was thinking about this article (very common subject in the ministry) and began to think….I was in the military and military wives are lonely, I know a policeman, policeman’s wives are lonely. I know a business man and business men’s wives are lonely I know men with no titles but they simply come hope and flop themselves in front of the T.V. or computer all night and then go to sleep. From my experience most wives are lonely and longing for meaningful relationships and to be honest, whether their husbands are Pastors or not, this is prevalent. Name me a wife whose husbands just spends all his quality time with his wife, just listening to her and being her BFF. Most women, regardless of their husbands vocation complain their husband does not spend enough time with them and they are lonely. Whether their husband is a busy Pastor or a busy Engineer, or a man who’s into his bowling league, softball league or whatever league, more than his wife, you will have a lonely wife. It reminds me of the commercials that say, ” are you run down, tired, stressed out, then you are suffering from ———— and you need our remedy!” Who isn’t tired, run down and stressed? What woman is not lonely and dissatisfied with the time she spends with her husband. Truth be known, men, will always find a reason, a purpose, to be on the move, to be conquering and doing something. The problem is not nessesarily that he’s a Pastor, it’s that he’s a man. And to the women who thinks her problem is that she’s married to a Pastor, the real issue is that she is married to a man and whether he is a Pastor or not is really not the issue ( though we would like to think it was) the issue is he’s a man and if he wasn’t Pastoring he would be off on some other project, some other enterprise and not much would change. This is the new era that we are growing up in that women want their husbands to be their lover, their husband and their best friend. The picture a man that just wants to sit around and drink coffee and chat, go shopping, browse through stores and then sit and talk more. This would have never been the expectation of a wife in the 1950’s. I know I’m gonna upset some women here, but I do have empathy for you and my wife, but my point is we must stop blaming our woes on the issue that we are Pastor’s and Pastor’s wives because we are not the only ones that have to deal with this. Yes they are some distinct issues involved that come with the ministry, no doubt….but I’m telling you, if your husband wasn ‘t busy Pastoring he would be busy doing something else (writing books, touring and doing conferences) and never would he be there to fill that loneliness, depression and discontentment from the lack of time you get to spend with him. I was single Christian in the Marine Corps for five years and it was in those five years that I learned loneliness and depression would never be conquered by another human being but through seeking God. I know that sounds “super spiritual” and that’s the last thing I want to sound like, but it is true, issues of loneliness and depression ( at least for a Christian) stem from deeper issues than the fact that we are married to a Pastor and are a Pastor’s wife. It almost sounds like we are making ourselves sound like victims of a poor and bad situation. Find me a successful man and I will find you a woman that is often lonely and feels she doesn’t get enough of her husband’s time and affection. Whether that be a Doctors’s, Engineer, Famous writer, Lawyer, CEO, and the list goes on…..it’s part of life, but we can have victory, not in having more time with our husband and more friends but in having more time with Christ, because in him and through him we have our being. We have to stop quoting this new mantra, “my husband is a Minister and his mistress is the church”. All this is doing is adding fuel to the fire. Making women angrier at the ministry and bitter at the church, what good is spreading that quaint quote around? We never heard such comments come out of Ruth Graham’s mouth, who quietly and gently allowed her husband to be the Man of God that God called him to be. She dealt with her loneliness and depression the same way I did, pursuing God all the more. Ruth lived and raised her children practically as a single mom. Many men have left the ministry because of discontented wives and you know what, nothing has changed in their marriage and now they sit in a church somewhere and the husband is just a shell of who he used to be and his wife is still lonely, still want ps more time with him and he is dieing inside for the decision he made. Women and men, you don’t want this!
Richard, I understand your point. And I agree that many if not most married women are lonely to some degree and want more from their husbands. But I do not come to the same conclusion you seem to. This reality should not mean we tell our ministry wives to ‘suck it up’ and go on with business as usual. What is should mean is we men who are pastors tell our church to stick their unreasonable demands in their ears, ask our church leaders (deacons or elders) to back us up, and give us the grace, freedom and encouragement to MODEL the support a wife needs in our home as a major part of our ministry. That will do more to bless a congregation than any exhausting schedule of unreasonable demands we can come up with….Activity is not ministry. The number of Committee meeting we conduct or attend in a week has nothing to do with our level of commitment to Christ. And if we are overcommitted to a crowded schedule at church it means our leading lay people, those who are trying to follow our lead, are overcommitted and exhausted too.
I agree and as I went to bed last night, the last thought that came to my mind was..someone is going to read my long comment and summarize it as, “suck it up women” and sure enough this morning, what do I read? I agree with everything you said and I could write another long comment in defense of wives. I am on my 2nd church now and I learned my lesson the hard way, ie: neglecting my wife for the church. So I am very aware of how important it is we don’t just say, “suck it up honey” but I just wanted to bring a different outlook, perhaps some balance, on all that I was reading. I do appreciate your input though, again, I do agree with all you wrote.
It’s not “suck it up” but “look up from whence commeth my help”. We have the same Holy Spirit available to us as Saints of old. When Jesus was in garden praying and no one stayed up with him. Knowing that one would deny him, one would betray him, and all would desert him when He needed them most. Even Jesus was in agony because of the sin of others. Yet what kept Him focused was KNOWING HE WAS DOING THE FATHER’S WILL. All of us, will be left alone at one time or another, yet we are NEVER ALONE. Yes, lonely , but never alone. Remember He said, “you will suffer too, yet for a little while.” Paul saw it as a PRIVILEGED to suffer for Christ. Pastor’s share some of these thoughts with your congregation or prayer group listing “Pastor’s wives across the country” on your prayer list. As others pray….some will eventually get the message of our wives needs. Pastor’s that met with other pastors have them include “Pastor wives” in their prayers too. Eventually some of the pastors will get the message too,
Why is it difficult to be a pastor’s wife? I think Adrian Rogers pretty much nailed it: “She has to put with everything the pastor puts up with, and she has to put up with the pastor, too.” As for #10, you might give them the standard retort: “That’s only because they hang around the deacons’ kids.” Being a deacon’s kid myself, I have to admit there is some truth in that!
I am glad we are on the same page…we both are concerned for our wives in the ministry and wives in general. I really never doubted it. This might be a little bit off topic, but it frustrates me that people in the church are reluctant to make things any better for their pastor and staff than what people experience in the world. If we are a truly redemptive community, shouldn’t it begin with the godly way we treat those God calls to shepherd, encourage, challenge and lead us? But in so many churches their decisions about the pay of pastors, the vacation pastors are allowed to take, the holidays they are given off, how the church reacts to their inevitable mistakes and failures and on and on is determined NOT by what would be the best they could do as God’s grace filled community but what would not be better than what anyone else in the church has to deal with. Churches have the opportunity to treat their employees in a way that sets an example of grace to the world. But few are willing to be that generous or gracious. If the church is to be a truly redemptive community, the first place where that needs to be seen is how it treats the people that work for the church. Why would the Holy Spirit lead any sinner in need of grace to a church that dealt with it s own employees in an ungracious manner? If a church is serious about reaching its community with the compassion of Christ it needs to start with its own employees and staff.
I have read this article and all the comments with great interest. I have been a pastor’s wife for 40 years. I have been lonely, known hurt and experienced some of the meanest people in the world in the church. On the other hand I have had some of the greatest experiences in life to move from place to place and meet some of the greatest people in the world in our churches. We have made it a practice to not have a favorite group in the church but at the same time we have had friends. My husband (after hearing some complaints) told our first congregation that if they saw our car at someone’s house more than at their house it was because we had been invited. It is true that you cannot confide in church members or it will come back to haunt you, but you can confide in your heavenly Father. It is hard for Pastor’s wives because as women we just naturally want a friend that we can pour our heart out to. I have found that if I can be that friend to women in our congregation that it helps them to have a friend and I can take my needs to my husband and my heavenly Father. I always have found a place to serve in every church and it was always a different place, sometimes the nursery, sometimes 3rd grade, sometimes in the youth department. Take the job no one else wants and do it as unto the Father. One of the greatest compliments I ever received was upon returning to a church field for a funeral and being meeting a teenager. I said to her, “You probably don’t remember us since you were so young when we left.” Her reply, “Yes, Mrs. Carolyn, I remember you rocking me in the nursery.” It brings tears to my eyes even now. When we busy ourselves in serving Him the lonely hours take care of themselves and yes in time the hurts are healed. I do not mean that you have to take those hurts lightly. Out of a really bad situation we went through we developed a ministry to help wounded pastors and their wives. The Wounded Heart Ministry, Inc. website woundedheart.org. We have know the hurt but we have also know the healing that can only come from Him. I would say to any young pastor’s wife don’t expect the church to minister to you but you can minister to those people God places in your lives.
While I understand that this article is directed at either people in denominations where women cannot be ordained or at people who have chosen that only the husband has been called into full time ministry, it should be noted that there are denominations were women are the pastors. Perhaps a balanced article would be helpful…one geared to the “pastor’s spouse”. Or perhaps an article on shared ministry where both husband and wife are ordained and lead a congregation in a team ministry.
Thanks for this research. I reblogged it here: http://liturgy.co.nz/twelve-reasons-pastors-wives-are-lonely/18131
Blessings
Bosco
The pastor’s wife should also not let herself be used as an unpaid church employee. If the church wants her full time, then they should pay. While her husband may get called out some nights, that same thing could occur if he were a fireman or any type of emergency responder or a physician.
For churches that have women pastors (and yes, some baptist churches do), I can assure you that the female pastor’s husband would not be an unpaid church employee.
I totally resonated with this blog. My husband read it to me the other day and I have pondered it since then. While I am blessed to have a husband who values his time with me and our kids, I felt struck by the other reasons. Especially the numbers 1, 3, and 5. Just like the “New to It” post from Feb 15, I have at times distanced myself from the congregation. But not because of pride. It was because they have been mean or because I have had broken confidences. Also sometimes, I am afraid that people will change their opinion about me, my kids, or my husband because of what I share. I feel a large lack of genuine friendship. Quite often the only person I feel I can be open with other than my husband is my mom who lives over 2000 miles away. Being the wife of the only pastor of the church in a small community also has it’s drawbacks because what you say or do is such an open book to the whole community and there is no support group of other pastor’s wives from which to derive strength. I hope there is an answer to this because it can be very sad to feel “liked” but never “loved”.
I read many of the comments and maybe I missed it, but I’m noticing the emphasis on pastor’s wife. My husband has been a pastor for 22 years and the one thing I strive to remind our people is that I am not a pastor’s wife, but I am the wife of a pastor. It should be no different than someone being the wife of a plumber, doctor, etc. They also understand that my allegiance is first to God and then to my husband. Everyone receives criticism in life and a pastor and his receive more than their share. Learning to handle the criticism is key. Sometimes that criticism is just and sometimes it is not. Learn to know the difference. Above all, let your people see that you are human. You may have to teach them this. I remind our ladies that if it is not okay for me to do, then what makes it okay for them to do it. Yes, I do point out the double standard but I do it in love not hate. I have also learned to have friends outside the church. Let’s face it, there some things you just cannot talk to a church member about.
I hope I did not ramble. My bottom line is that we need for people to realize we are simply human.
Thanks for your insight. I have found in over 21 years of ministry alongside my husband that as I have been willing to honestly invest in others’ lives, they have been willing to invest in mine. I guess I am just in an extremely blessed church. For younger pastor’s wives, don’t wait for someone to come to you, seek out an older pastor’s wife with whom you can confide in, pray with, and seek accountability with. I am thankful that Dr. Dorothy Patterson taught a class for pastor’s wives at Southeastern when my husband attended there. Of course, we had to choose to make it work by balancing schedules and trading babysitting with other student families! Also, spending 2 years on the mission field helped to understand the calling and helped us see past American Culture Christianity. Fortunately, I also had a mother who modeled finding her worth at Jesus’ feet rather than what the world says. This has helped me to “let go” of so many things that I might want to believe I should have a right to address as a pastor’s wife, though I might add The Lord still has to work daily on my pride! Though I agree many members may be intentionally hurtful towards pastor’s wives, that means somewhere they are hurting, too. My husband and I are both quite transparent and always willing to serve together. Though we didn’t let ministry rule our family, our children also understood mom and dad’s calling and the sacrifices that entails. Now with two adult children (21 and 19) and two younger ones (15 and 12), I am happy to say that one of our sons has followed God’s call to serve as a pastor, even after “living through” it. Debbie Hammond, the wife of our former SBCV executive director Geoff Hammond, once had a panel to discuss this very issue at a pastor’s wives conference. That was one of the most honest, informative, transparent conferences I had been to. Thank you, Debbie!
While I understand that Pastor’s and their families hold unique roles and have demands and pressures that I can’t begin to understand, and are under a spotlight in a way that I can’t begin to comprehend- my experience is that there is a very real wall between them and the rest of the church body. Insurmountable unless you are in the inner circle. If you attempt to serve them, a fake sounding obligatory ‘thank you’ is offered along with the assumption you are only serving them to get on the Pastor’s good side. I see throngs of people literally falling all over themselves to do this, often. A wise, if lonely, Pastor’s wife might consider a proactive role in seeking friendships, starting by those who aren’t as won over by the position, but who are busy at work serving those in need and in whom they recognize treat every person equally, inner or not. While a Pastor wife’s situation is unique, so is the military wife’s, the single mom’s, the cancer patient’s, the penniless stranger’s, and everyone elses. I do not mean for this to come off in any harsh manner, but just to give the perspective of the simple layperson. I do see the distanced loneliness in the eyes of church leader’s wives, often, but I’m not convinced it is entirely due to expectations put on by others.
Anonymous – You wrote, “my experience is that there is a very real wall between [pastors & their wives] and the rest of the church body. Insurmountable unless you are in the inner circle.” This is a wise observation and I don’t think your experience is unusual or rare. I’ve read many comments from this blog post & have compassion for those suffering. My hope is that while we pray and care for the felt needs of these women today, we’ll also be willing to take a hard look at one of the core roots of the problem, an unbiblical clergy/laity distinction. In the words of New Testament scholar, Jon Zens, “It’s just assumed that there are clergy and there are laity. This thing permeates [the church]. And yet, when you look at the New Testament scholars, from all stripes, who have looked at the situation in the N.T., they all admit one after another, that there is no clergy/laity distinction in the N.T. This whole thing, which we just assume, is wrong.”
I read this article in a local newspaper and was saddened to learn that other minister’s wives are suffering from loneliness. I see it as a call to action that those of us who are surviving and thriving as Pastor’s wives must minister to those are struggling.
While on your site, I was even more saddened to find that there are very few resources for pastor’s and their wives when they feel like they have no one else to talk to.
A day after I saw your article, I just happened to be in the library and stumbled upon your newest book, “I am a Church Member.” I was touched by your encouragement for church members to pray for their pastors that they and their families be protected from the many attacks Satan uses in attempts to destroy the church. If Satan can destroy the man of God and his family in the long run he can destroy the very family unit and ultimately the church.
We must not only pray for our pastor’s and their wives we must develop avenues where they can find grace and comfort when they need it most. I applaud couples like David and Louis Decker of Deer Ridge Ministries who offer free retreats for Pastor’s and Wives. We attended one of their retreats early in our marriage and it made a big difference for us. I even attended one of their Pastor’s Wives Retreats which they host annually.
We found our calling ministering to blended families in the church, but more and more we find ourselves working with ministry couples who are not blended families, but who just need someone to talk to about the struggles of ministry and the effects on their marriage and family. Our ministry is evolving to specifically be a resource for pastor’s and wives to coach and counsel them on navigating through the many demands placed on them. We recently updated our website to let ministry couples know we are a resource.
Reading your article was a “Popeye” moment for me. A “Popeye Moment” is a term coined by Bill Hybels in his book “Holy Discontent.” It’s the point where we watch pain and suffering until we come to a point and say, “That’s all I can stands and I can’t stands no more.” Hearing that so many pastors and wives are struggling confirms and clarifies a calling God has placed on us to do something to help church leadership couples.
As I write this I am praying that God will reveal to us how He will make this happen. You will hear from me again.
We are blessed in seemingly NOT having these problems in our church; Having said that,forgive me for going off topic to talk about my own lay ministry to persecuted Christians. I thank the previous poster for the Popeye quote for I have reached the point of not being able to stand it anymore. I certainly will not stop because,to me,it’s a calling. Like a soldier in combat too long,I am exhausted from all the evil I’ve seen,day in and day out. It feels like the same thing happening,just different people in different places. It has a numbing effect. It takes the fire out of me which I need. Here is the
answer I have found. I have started focusing on the GOOD news;it does happen even though it’s buried under all that violence. For now,I choose to concentrate on those whose suffering has been relieved until such time as I may be able to return to the tragedies.
Bottom line-I need a break;everybody does! I pray this is helpful to someone in some way even though it has nothing to do with the topic at hand. I know the Bill Hybels quote certainly lifted my spirits,
that it’s OK for me to feel the way I do right now.
Great article with a lot of good truth.
For us, I am very grateful my husband (senior and only pastor at small city, mostly elderly church) makes an emphasis on our marriage and time with our daughter. I am grateful we have elders to help out.
I think I do isolate myself somewhat. Partly from having a toddler that can only sit so long in the service. Or if we’re in the service trying to get her to understand she can’t just go up and talk to dad lol. I get my ‘worship’ time in honestly on my long commute to work listening to music, praying.
Mostly I isolate because of the superficial. I was used to pre being a pastor’s wife, being able to lead and organize stuff. Now if I suggest something it will either get ignored because I’m the pastor’s wife, or done with way too much focus because I’m the pastor’s wife. And I can’t really seem to help out with anything because of that too. I guess I’ve learned to treat church as my husband’s job, and to do what I can where I can. If I can say an encouraging word I do, or if I can help I will…but more often it is in the background and I’m learning I’m ok with that and how God can use that too.
We deal with isolation a few different ways. We make time for each other, family lives close enough they can babysit for a weekend. We make time for family time, like pizza night on Fridays or going out for ice cream of things where our toddler can play and we can talk with each other and her easily. Sunday’s since we have an am and pm service, lunch is sandwiches and I put something in the crockpot for dinner. That way no going out to lunch, and we can rest and recoup from the week and day. We also make a point to make a day trip every so often to see our two best friends and their kids to be able to just talk and connect with people who don’t view as as a pastors family.
I stumbled across your blog and the results of your survey broke my heart.
I’ve been a pastor’s wife for more than two decades now. The best advice I ever received came when I was just in my mid-twenties.; and it came from my pastor husband. One evening I was wrestling over whether to attend a church women’s event. Exhausted after a long day with a toddler and newborn, part of me wanted to put my jammies on and call it a day. The other part of me felt like maybe I should rally to attend the event. When I expressed my indecision over what to do, my husband uttered one small sentence that ended up shaping every decision I’ve made in the last twenty + years: “Donna, if you think you should go because the women in our church want you to go, put your PJ’s on and relax, but if you think you should go because Jesus wants you to go, grab your car keys and get going. ”
The funny thing is, I can’t remember whether or not I ended up going to the church event. But my husband’s wise encouragement serves as the filter for every decision I make–even to this day. It’s been an incredibly freeing way to live within a very expectation-filled role. Hope my story encourages just one!
Hello,
I just turned 21, I have been married for 7 months and my husband has been in his first pastorate for 6 months. A month after we were married we moved to a very small town an hour away from my family and all our friends.
I am continuing my college education online and work part time an hour away. My husband is doing the best he can, but he’s learning how to be a pastor and a husband at the same time while he too works another part time job. We have no one in our church our age, and only one other man in the church (the former pastor).
We are both busy, stressed, and exhausted. The town is small so we have not been able to “break in” to the community at all and our church is very very small.
I do the powerpoint during service because nobody is will do it and after church last sunday, I started putting things away, and then stopped to go do fellowship before everyone left. Everyone knows each other and are so much older and they were chatting in a circle, my husband was talking to a teenager, and a couple ladies were talking about some important issue. I tried to move in to join the larger group, but they just tightened up. Not out of spite or even consciously, but they were talking and just didn’t notice. I went back to putting the projector away and cleaning up communion. I had felt lonely before then, but it doubled that feeling.
Dear Amanda,
I have been a pastor’s wife for 23 years and still have that gut-wrenching feeling of loneliness at times. You try to “fit in” where you can, but are often invisible. Even when you do many jobs in the church, others take it for granted that it is your “duty” to do those things. I do what I do because I first want to honor my Savior, and then to be a help to my husband. I feel that is my calling. But we are human and have a desire for friendship and kindness as well. I understand your feelings.
I am sorry you are feeling these things at such a young age. I will be praying that you can find friendship. As much as possible try to remind yourself of God’s grace and love for you. He will sustain us even when we seem to be all alone. Also, please don’t neglect to let your husband know your feelings. Tell him you just need him to be understanding. Hopefully he will help to draw you into friendships with others at church.
In the end, our service is to the Lord and not to men. Only He knows our true hearts, and only He can sustain us. Hope you find some comfort and encouragement.
Hello, I was online looking for a blog that consisted of 1st Ladies where they may come together & share experiences… It saddens me that many Pastors Wives experience such loneliness. I’ve been blessed to be married to a Pastor myself. Were both very young. He’s 29 & I’m 26 & that is young when your compared to previous Pastors & 1st Ladies who were much older. I must be honest & say that the best advice I can lend that helps me through just about anything is… my relationship w/t God & My Husband. My husband & I do everything together… & When he’s going to church I’m going with him. (We have service everyday) Yes, People… Everyday.. I sometimes go without him when he’s out of town on business. But we stick together & we communicate. Communication is key. I try not to sweat the small stuff because at the end of the day. My husband is the pastor… And I’m the 1st Lady & our life is beautiful… And even though the members have their issues. He has to pastor the good & the bad. So the best advice I can give is to learn the members; learn their ways & determine how to deal w/t them in advance. You cant treat them all the same because they are different. Please keep me in your prayers. God Bless …
You are blessed in that your husband communicates to you. May I ask, “Do you ask a lot of questions?” You see, I am no allowed to ask questions. It irritates my husband. And if I just “talk,” I get the eyes rolling, sighs and “You talk too much,” speech. So, what’s this “communication” word you speak of?
You are blessed.
i only just found this post. It’s a great one. Thank you so much for listening and understanding us (I’m a minister’s wife). I have experienced almost all of those 12 points, and it has been painful. My husband doesn’t really get it. He’s a PK himself, so he kind of thinks he knows everything there is to know about ministry. I’m a different personality than his mother, though. I just do what I can. He has toned it down though. Earlier in our marriage he only wanted me working certain shifts and certain hours (I’m in healthcare), and I burned out at a job that he wanted me to work that wasn’t for me. That was 7 years ago, and I’ve still not bounced back from that personally and professionally + having a baby who’s now 4. He’s acknowledged that that was wrong on his part, and I appreciate that. I’m still nervous about not having his support when it comes to major decisions like that. I wanted to become an RN/Midwife, but since he works 60 hours a week and they’re irregular hours, I can’t see us both being in a profession where we’re on call 24/7 and also raise our child with no family available to help out. That still hurts to give that up. I’m working on surrendering that to God. In my mind, it is what I’m sacrificing for DH and work in God’s Kingdom. Date nights? They only happen if I plan childcare and every single last detail, but he can be really into sports, fantasy sports teams and draft parties. I realize that’s a clueless guy thing, not just a minister thing. But it’s part of the picture. I do get the leftovers. I can only tell him what’s going on with me. He controls his time and interests. Thanks for a safe place to write this stuff, thanks for listening. I don’t feel totally alone as I do have friends. I feel alone in my marriage. That’s sad. I trust God to work in both of our hearts and in my marriage, and at the end of the day, no matter who you are, that’s all and the best you can do. Thank you.
Many of us are praying for you, JCH.
I read your comment and I want you to know that I’m praying for you, JCH! I’ll also be praying that your husband grows to be more understanding and considerate of you and your needs. I’m a pastor’s wife as well and I was also in healthcare for a little while as an RN. I wound up having to work at least every other weekend which was hard on my husband and I both. He really struggled with not having me there to support him on Sundays. Between that and getting pregnant with our first child, we decided that it would be best for me to stay home. I don’t regret this decision. I love staying at home with my little boy (he’s one and a half now) and I realized that my calling is not in my profession but in being a stay-at-home mom. I pray that you will be able to do what your heart truly desires and that your desires will come to line up first with God’s desires and then with your husband’s. If it’s more important that you stay home right now … I pray God will give you peace. If it’s time for you to jump back into healthcare … I pray that God will give your husband peace. HE sees the big picture and I know He has great things in store for you! Stay faithful! 🙂
My life is just like your. Last night when I complained to my husband the lack of money, he told me I was selfish. I’m tired after 13 years of marriage I am thinking of divorce
I am a children’s pastors wife. I have 2 grown adult children and 3 grandchildren. We have been in ministry for abt 7 yes. and it is no different in the children’s ministry. parents needing counsel for there children, babtisms and more. we miss alot of xtras with our grandchildren. what advice is out there when you compete with children for your husbands attention. I know what God says. I’m tired of always being last and my kids feel left out. HELP?
Thank you for writing this article! As a young pastor’s wife myself, I can tell you that I have experienced several of those reasons for loneliness. Sometimes it’s almost like the ladies in the congregation are afraid to get really close to you. And if you’ve only been a part of the church for a few years, you find that there are already tightly-knit groups that were formed long ago. It can be hard to feel like you can “fit.”
For me, probably an even bigger struggle than the loneliness is the feeling that it’s always my responsibility to “fill in the gaps.” I currently have about 10 jobs that I do within our church. Some I have volunteered for because I knew it was something that I could do well and there was a need. But many other jobs I have taken on because no one else was willing to step in. I feel like it’s my duty to do whatever needs to be done that has been abandoned by others.
Being a pastor’s wife is a tough job! But it is also a blessing in many ways. And it’s a calling for the wife as much as it is the husband! I would encourage other wives out there to befriend other pastors’ wives in your area. It’s a great encouragement!
My wife is a licenced pastor at our amazing church. So, basically, I’m a pastor’s husband. Our church has a lot of support and activities for the pastor’s wives, but nothing for someone in my position.
We have been foster parents for about 6 years and currently have 3 kids in our home. I work full time as a public school teacher, so we are very busy! I can’t say if a man’s experience is different from a women’s, but I do understand the feelings and opinions voiced in the comments. I get it! It is tough. It is not easy! It is frustrating! Having a spouse in full time ministry is a totally different experience.
But God is good. He has blessed our family. We have great support from family and friends.
And it’s true, most people know me as “so and so’s” husband, but that’s ok. It’s all worth it for the kingdom of God.
Pastor’s wives are the set of people in the church that we (members of our various churches)
should endaviour to support our pastors wives and encourage them in their own ministry.
I can really relate to these comments about being lonely. Especially since my husband was pushed out of his job, I have lost who I thought were close friends. I have trouble trusting them. I am lonely yet surrounded by a lot of people. I pray that God will help me work on relationships if they are meant to happen.
I have been an evangelist’s wife for the last 5yrs, right from I got married and my husband just became the Pr. last yr. I don’t see any new struggles, but right from the beginning, everyone wanted to be my friend coz I am the man of God’s wife not coz they really wanted to know me.
That kind of hurts big time. Everyone is quite fake with me and some people just plainly ignore me.
But I guess I still have to love and let my light shine even though I don’t feel honoured, respected, wanted, loved and no friends.
I’m joining this party late, but Hey! I’m here.
As a pastor wife, my husband had a gift of making congregations grow. Whenever a church was not growing, he would be sent there. (by the bishop) Once the membership doubled, it was time to move. I have experienced almost all the frustrations mentioned. Church bullying, loneliness, getting paid peanuts for a salary, name it… We have quit the church ministry 3 times, now we are back. One thing I now fully understand as I am older and more experienced is; the Lord wants us to minister because He has called us. I’ve also learned that it does not matter how many people you minister to. Our current church has 4 members. ….Seriously it does. Does this bother me? Not a whole lot. Those 4 are precious in Gods eyes and if that is who He wants us to minister to, that’s fine. I enjoy ministry now. I look forward to Sundays and midweek house church fellowship.
I guess I’ve learned that people are just people, we are saved by grace.
I am pastor’s wife and I just hate my life!
I don’t know how many times I’ve said #11 ;(
Whew! This article makes me thank God I’m free! Each item equals bondage and that is not God’s will for me. I also think each item represents an unhealthy connection and reliance to people in the church. I think we have to find relationships outside the church. I can’t expect my church to be my friends and confidants. That dynamic simply won’t work. I have to get that type of support elsewhere.
I do like the date night suggestion. We need to work on that a bit more. 🙂 Good post.
I don’t like being known as a “Pastor’s Wife.” That’s my husband’s job, not mine. I was called to be his wife 20 years ago when he was working in Sales making six-figures a year. Three years ago, He was called to be a Pastor. That’s now his job but NOT who I married. Being a Pastor is now his job. It’s not his name. It’s not my name. Women, whose husbands are in sales, aren’t called “Sales Wives” or the women whose husbands are garbage collection aren’t called “Garbage Wives.” So, why do we get called “Pastors Wives?” Well, you get my point, I hope.
Money: Our family of four now lives just above poverty level. We don’t have rich parents who are able to supplement for us. We completely rely upon the givers in our congregation. We have cashed in our 401k to survive so there’s no retirement anymore. We have two teenagers who will be graduating high school soon and are looking for colleges to attend. We have a two year old grandchild who lives five States away whom we can’t afford to go see for holidays or birthdays. We have only been able to see twice since his birth. The family vacations are a thing of the past as there are no funds for those. Yet, we watch our congregates, friends and other minister families take exotic vacations two and three times a year.
Angry? Yes. I wasn’t asked nor was I prepared for the change of lifestyle being in full time ministry would rob from us. There are no date nights. “Days Off” are interrupted with ringing cell phones and demanding congregate questions.
I’ve never liked wives of Ministers. Most of the ones I grew up around were two-faced, gossips who would just as soon stab you in the back as to look at you – but were always quick with a “God Bless You” and and fake smile on Sunday morning.
I’m still me. I pray a lot. I pray for my husband and his job. I believe all those years in sales were to prepare him for people in ministry and in church. I pray for our children who have sacrificed what they had grown accustomed to for the ministry. See, most people don’t see what the family has sacrificed. When praises are given out, it’s all about the Pastor. Meanwhile, I just try and be the best wife, the best mother, to my family as I was when I said, “I do” to this man twenty years ago. And sometimes the “worse” part can be his job.
I can’t tell my husband how I feel. For, you see if I do, he sees it as somehow being a failure to his family — which isn’t at ALL the case. We love him – no matter what job he has. And he’s a great dad — no matter what job he has. We just have to share him a lot more these days.
I was searching for encouragement today. Instead I now think I should extend some. I have experienced every one of the ‘numbers’ repeatedly. I have been blamed for everything from lack of growth in the ministry to deliberately avoiding friendship within the congregation to just not being the type of pastor’s wife people expect. I have been told that I lack the humility required to be verbally abused, to accept criticism of my children and husband and turn the other cheek in a Godly manner. And all because I believe that God called us, not the search committee. I believe that God called us to shine the light to a dying world, not pamper and pet the believer who sits in a pew and undermines the Body because they can afford it. I believe that the ‘tithe’ is what WE give to God and it is God Who provides our support as His ministers, not the congregation. So if he doesn’t get paid what I think he should, that’s between me and God not the Finance Committee. And if people don’t afford me the respect I think they should that is more about what I expect, not their attitude about it. And if I use God’s yardstick instead of theirs, I’m good. It won’t be the first time I have pointed out to a deacon that my duty list is policed by God in my prayers not his oversight and expectations. I am directed to seek out the lost, not moderate a Bible Study for the ladies, etc. You can probably guess why I am considered someone who must be tolerated for the sake of keeping this preacher. LOL. No one will ever be able to convince me that it is unGodly to ask the critic to take responsibility for their own actions (or opinions) and refuse to be abused by a ‘brother’. Truth without Love is brutality …
I believe that we are a chosen people, a mighty weapon in the Hand of God, a flame in the dark, a prayer warrior, a soldier in the Army of the Lord. Call me militant if you want, but He doesn’t call us to be part of a morally superior social club – he called us to join the Body of Christ and shine His light to those who sit in darkness. Every time I start feeling lonely and even feeling sorry for myself, God reminds me that when He walked this earth He was rejected by His own. He told us we would experience the same. Count yourself in good company, ladies.
Oh and before anyone assumes that I am a young and inexperienced wife who hasn’t the wisdom to be taken seriously, I have been a pastor’s wife for 17 years – 10 to an Associate pastor and 7 to a Senior pastor – and if I have learned one thing it has been to keep your eyes on JESUS. You will NEVER be all things to all men, but you will ALWAYS be God’s favorite child. And that is more than good enough.
I appreciate your comments more than I can say. I am a full time public school teacher and married to a pastor who received the call several years after we were married and had children. I have always gotten into trouble when I have worried about what people think (including my husband) instead of depending on God. It is impossible to please all people, and we are not called to do that. Defining ourselves based on peoples’ estimations always leads to frustration, and even resentment because people did not create us and they do not have the ability to define us. people can only measure us with their own limited yardstick. God knows our hearts and our limitations. He loves us anyway. I think that is the kind of love that is missing in the church and the world sometimes.
I’m new to being a pastor’s wife and it’s rewarding and very challenging at times. My husband was ordained as Pastor about a year and a half after we were married. To make it even more complicated, we are very young late 20s to early 30s. God has blessed me with many gifts. Some I really haven’t even tapped into yet. However, in trying to be a good wife and support to my husband and pastor, my focus and priority is him. My husband also believes my number 1 priority is to support him. And I very much agree. My frustration comes in because I feel the support isn’t reciprocated. I ask my husband to cover me and mentor me one on one that I may grow in the Word. But that rarely happens. I even ask my husband to turn down a few preaching engagements to allow time for us and the family. I feel overwhelmed and emotionally depleted. It seems like ministry is all my husband is concerned about and I must be satisfied to get in were I fit in. I feel bad about feeling frustrated with issues pertaining to the calling on his life. What do I do??
Wow. This week am going to meet with with a dozen women that serve with their husband, while pastoring a church. I was asking God, “How and in what way can I help these powerful women, which have been hurt through ministry?” You have all helped me tonight by pouring your hearts out and highlighting the importance of not only giving them the opportunity to share their hearts, but also walking them through the healing process as they pour out what is hurting them. My prayer is that God uses me to to show them that healing doesn’t come unless we pour out the hurt before the process begins. We have to ask Him to begin where we couldn’t continue.
Love you all, by the way I’m also Pastoring with my husband after almost losing everything we had only to discover family comes first. God’s plan now, is to use me with messages of healing for women that feel how I have felt and more. Thank you, Jesus I couldn’t have come this far without you.
Hello,
Thank you. As a pastor’s wife it can get extremely lonely. Many of what is mentioned, I can sincerely relate. I thank God that I am never alone. Although the road gets tough, it is important all the more to trust and depend on Christ. When the enemy comes to steal, kill, and destroy, I believe one of the first persons he attacks is the pastors’ wife. If satan(I refuse to capitalize his name) can divide and destroy the Elect Lady of the ministry, then he has accomplished his mission. For me, giving up and giving in is not a choice. In order for me to develop relationships with others horizontally, I MUST first develop my relationship with my Father vertically. Again, thank you.)
I come from a family of pastors and preachers. So I understand what pastors wives go through. I also come from a very STRONG, spirit filled family and realize that you need to be tough both naturally and spiritually. All too often PW’s are not. I am a young, single professional, successful spirit filled lady. My work has caused me to move/travel. One thing that I have found out is that PW’s are very insecure. I always extend friendship, true friendship. Very few have been able to accept it due to insecurity and jealousy. I dress nice, drive nice and look nice… without arrogance. Many that I have met are so intimidated by this that they literally run past me after church to keep from socializing. Others were certain, I wanted to run away with there husbands although I make it a point to not even speak to the pastor. PW’s pray! Love continuously and forgive more. Also, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you to the right people/relationships. Many of you shun the poor, hate the blessed and blame everyone else in between. Just be yourself. No one thinks you’re that great. Sometimes we want more honor than we deserve. Love and blessing.
This article is exactly what I have been feeling for the last 14 years of being a pastor’s wife. I tried on many occasions to talk to my husband about it (I.e. Loneliness, neglect, wanting at least one evening a week together, lack of dating, etc.) We’ve gone to marriage seminars, talked to mentor ministry couples and still, things don’t change. He never schedules time for investing in our marriage and works all week in the office and then up all night on Saturdays getting his sermon ready. He leaves early Sunday mornings for preparations for the service and by the time he gets home that afternoon, he’s exhausted and definitely doesn’t feel like doing anything active or fun with me and the kids. He just wants to vegge out on the couch. When I try to talk about my feelings, I’m “complaining” and not “following the call for my life.” I’m so tired of the cycle of neglect, Loneliness, rejection and hurt that, I hate going to church, don’t read my Bible anymore and have to fight thoughts of divorce every single day. The church definitely feels like his mistress. I’m so hopeless and feel that I’m trapped. The one place I should be able to turn to, the church, is what is killing me on the inside.
If anyone has a recommendation for a fair and reasonable counselor in the Houston/Spring area who is used to working discreetly with people in mine and my husband’s position, I would greatly appreciate it. I’m down to my last resort before bailing.
Dear Hurting –
Please return to my blog post for August 3. I will be repeating your story with a bit more anonymity. I want the readers to pray for you and point you in a healthy direction.
So from the other side of things, how does one become close friends with a pastor (Mrs Pastor)? I feel like she holds herself back and it frustrates me. I feel like I crave more one on one time with her. Then I feel guilty for feeling like that because she is busy trying to love everyone in our church and what right do I have to a super close friendship with her?
She’s a lovely person but she is a little reluctant to share her heart and it’s hard to get to the centre of what she is thinking, thus I go from feeling valued to feeling held at arms length. What advice can you offer me?
From a pastor’s wife perspective, it is very very difficult to trust people and we have to take the scripture that says guard your heart very seriously. It would be wonderful if you could ask God to minister to her through you instead of making a close friendship the priority.
I’ve been married to my husband for 6 years and in our 3rd year of marriage he accepted the call to the ministry and I have been second guessing our marriage and stressing about it ever since. I’m upset because he didn’t discuss his decision with me, to see how I feel about being married to a preacher. I honestly don’t think I would have married him. I feel like such a hypocrite because while I say I support him in his ministry, I’m not happy about it because this is not what I signed up for. He doesn’t pastor a church yet but our present pastor is retiring in a couple of years and he tells us that my husband will be the next pastor of the church. My husband has been a member of this church for 15 years and it’s basically a family church, you’re either in one of the family cliques or you’re on you own. I’m the only relative he has here and I’m the outsider so you can imagine how I feel. My family lives over a thousand miles from where we live and sometimes I feel as though I’m in this marriage by myself and I pray to God that He forgives me because I want to walk away from this marriage and go back to my life pre-marriage. I thought I had a confidante but I was wrong. I have to forgive but emotionally I took a hit which has left me bitter. It’s hard for me to move past this and I know that bitterness will consume me if I don’t put it in check. My husband is not giving me what I need in terms of encouragement or listening to what concerns me. I’m at my wick’s end because he downplays how I feel. I’ve learned to SIS….suffer in silence and pour my feelings out to God. I’m not complaining…just venting. Any words of encouragement is greatly appreciated.
After reading your post, this is exactly how I feel at this very moment. I’ve been married for 3 years and I feel very alone in my marriage. My pastor/husband puts the church above me and his family. When I try to articulate to him my true feelings, then I am left feeling guilty that I am being self centered because of the calling on His life. I love God with all my heart and I love the people of God and His church but I do have emotional needs. We are currently going through marriage counseling but I am to the point I just want to leave. It’s tough being in a marriage where you feel alone and isolated.
Before you respond, yes I am seeking the Lord, yes I am being faithful to God and the church, yes I am supporting my husband and the ministry, yes I am praying for others and feeding the poor, and yes I encouraging the people of God but yet I am still very much alone in my marriage.
After reading this post I feel I should count myself lucky. As a Pastor’s wife, I can only relate to a couple of these struggles. But I will say that seeing the inner workings of a church can be very discouraging and spiritually draining. The power plays by members and politics can get really ugly. I often scratch my head and say to myself, ‘I thought this was supposed to be church?!’ As if church is supposed to be a safe, happy place where everyone is kind to each other, right? 🙂 My husband and I are blessed to be at a church that is filled with warm people. There are definitely a few who go out of their way to not be very welcoming to me…but that has everything to do with them. Not me. It’s a tough position, but it also has some wonderful rewards.
As a pastor wife for close to 30yrs I’ve dealt with all these except for #3,4 & 6. I’ve dealt with them but very very little. The others I’ve deal with about all the time. The only one I’ve not dealt with is moving around. we’ve only moved twice. I’ve been stabbed in the back more times than I can count. I trust no one & there’s definitely not a support group for pastor wives. If there were I probably wouldn’t go b/c the ones I know don’t even act like themselves outside of church.
The church we are at now we’ve been here 20 yrs & I can now say the people don’t usually call him unless it’s urgent or very important.
I can say I’m getting to the age now that I don’t care what they think of me. I’m who I am & if they don’t like it then I’m sorry. I know I love the Lord with all my heart & seek to serve Him
Loneliness … I can’t say I’ve defined my feelings in this way but the thoughts expressed above certainly describe my situation. I am content to be my husband’s friend, my children’s mum, a sister, cousin, niece. Of the list provided above, I experience the effects of #1,2,3,4,7,8,9. In my current situation, I, with my children, are choosing to no longer attend the church my husband is working for. Too much negativity that is affecting my kids – I draw the line there; I want my children to love the church, to want to serve God.
Great article.For any Pastor’s wives out there reading this and need a support group, there is a ministry called Leading and Loving It. It connects ministry wives through webinars, Facebook, and GoogleChat. Go to leadingandlovingit.com and check it out. My group has helped me share personal struggles and issues with no judgement, but lots of love, support, and encouragement from other pastors wives. It has been a HUGE blessing in my life!
Hello. Thank you for this article. I can really relate to everything you said. I live in a country where I serve together with my pastor husband a non english speaking community. Often I feel people want to get close to me only to be able to get help, with translations etc. Once they learnt the language and they have a job they forget to even come to church some of them. It is so sad. I feel so used. It is also a challenge for me to adress the sisters in the church that dress somewhat provovative. Some treat me with lack of respect. I have to work a full time job because otherwise we would not make it only with my husband ‘s salary. Everything is expensive ad the taxes are high. I really feel very lonely most of my ministry with no woman friends to talk to, except Jesus, He is the Ultimate Friend.
I just posted almost the exact same comment – with a few variations. I, too, HAVE to work FT and am left very lonely (and exhauuuuuusted) because everyone else gets ALL my pastor husband’s time and efforts. Hang in there. Just know you have a kindred spirit out here who is struggling with you.
I found this article because I went to Google for help (ha!), and searched “struggles of pastors wives”. This article is spot on. I’d probably add a #13 for the pastors wives who have (NOT CHOOSE) to work full-time to be able to afford what her pastor husband can’t afford – like health insurance. Our church doesn’t offer my husband health insurance so it is on my shoulders to provide that. My college degree provided me a very well-paying career, but really all that has done is trap me in a full-time job to support my pastor husband who doesn’t make enough to support our family. I hardly see my 2 kids, much less my pastor husband. He is RARELY home, due to church-related priorities, so I am left with either feeling like a single mom or relying on sitters to watch our kids when I have to work/grocery shop/run errands/insert anything here I’d rather NOT be doing than being with my family. … I am lonely. But, our church members aren’t because they have my pastor husband’s undivided attention.
Thank you for this article. I too am a pastors wife, but I am also a pastor. Our family moved to a town that had never had a church of any kind. Together, along with our two children, we founded the first church in the history of our town. We have been serving the Lord together for over 15 years.
In the beginning it was very difficult as we did not receive support from any denomination as we are a non-denominational/independent church.
But thanks be to God he has always provided.
As I have read many of the comments in this thread, I can honestly say that I can relate in many ways.
One of the comments that I relate with the most is the fact that I am not able or should I say comfortable with getting too close to anyone in our congregation. I have in the past, but because of hurtful comments/treatments from past members I have learned to keep my distance in that regard.
I am kind and cordial on Sunday mornings, but I don’t go out of my way to try and make close friends. I’m there not only as a pastors wife, but also a pastor.
I have had very few people that have visited our church that have had an issue with me being a pastor. In conversations with people outside of church is an entirely different story. Because I have received hurtful personal messages of disapproval for being “woman pastor” I decided to write a blog years ago titled: Woman Preach! In it I am able to explain what I see in the scriptures regarding the call of woman as pastors.
Regarding mean or cruel people in the church, I have learned to confront it head on.
Since I am a writer, I find at times that it is much easier to write people when I have an issue or help them with theirs.
There have only been a couple of times where I have encouraged unhappy members to find a new place of worship where they can be happy.
The government of our church is much different than most. We do not have a board comprised of members of our church. In my opinion that is a disaster because the Lord has not called them to oversee the vision of pastors. God gives the vision of a church to the minister(s) not the people.
In the beginnings, we did however try to give members of the congregation more leadership roles – but it only backfired and they tried to take over the church.
We finally learned from another pastor to be who “we” are and we’ll attract people who are like us – instead of attracting people who want to “change” us or the vision God has given us. We have seen a much happier congregation because of it.
As a pastors wife and woman pastor I have learned a lot over the years. I have learned that with our method of church government, people have no one else to turn to but my husband and I if and when they don’t like something. Most of the time, them come to me first.
I think that when people support a church financially with their tithes and offerings they feel they have a right to tell you how they’d like to see things run. Because of this we have learned to not coddle people just because they give. And if at any time they cannot accept that their money will not be used to get their way, they have a decision to make – stay or go.
As pastors we must learn that we will never be able to please everyone. Those of you ladies whose husbands are working tirelessly and come home exhausted and have no time left for you and your children – it may be because they feel if they try to please everyone, then their position as pastor is safe.
What I mean is – denominational pastors have a board to deal with and if they don’t do what the people want – then they’re out. There is no real job security (except faith in God) – and so your husband is doing everything he can to keep everyone happy. The sad truth – that will never happen.
In our case, when people are unhappy, we let them go. We don’t try to keep them or their money. There is no one to vote us out. If they become unhappy – they leave, not us.
But no matter what type of church you pastor, people are people – there are kind people that have chosen to not rock the boat. There are those who love you and the work you and your husband are doing, and there are of course those who are unkind and unhappy with your methods of ministry.
Bottom Line? I have made many mistakes in how I’ve handled situations in the church and there have been many times that I have handled matters quite well. When I don’t handle them properly and I let it get to me and say something unkind – I simply contact that person and apologize for my behavior.
I agree with those on this thread who have said that we have an enemy, and they are exactly right – and that enemy knows exactly how to use people to push our buttons. They may not even be aware of it. I have found that when it comes to my enemies, I am constantly reminded to take the same attitude of Jesus – Father forgive them for they know not what they do.
I pray we are all able to run the race that is set before us. Pastors wife – you are strong. You have God’s Spirit and Strength within to face and overcome anything or anyone that would try to make you feel otherwise.
You too have gifts and callings. If you’re not aware what those gifts are – ask the Lord to reveal them to you. You’re not just a pastors wife, or the preacher’s wife – you’re a woman of God! Seek out those who are not trying to tear you down, but are in need of your wisdom and strength as a woman of God. Find what your heart is leading you to do, and do it. He will give you the strength and wisdom you need.
For those of you who try to talk to your husband about how you’re feeling and they won’t give you the time of day because they are exhausted – write them. I do it all the time with my husband, and it is very helpful. It keeps the emotions out and allows us to communicate exactly what we’re feeling. Then once I’ve written the letter, we talk.
Pray and ask the Lord to speak to your husband. Pray that he hears the Spirit of God.
God did not have to instruct women to love their husbands, we already do. He did however instruct the men to Love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself for it. Write him and remind him of that verse. I have done it quite frequently, and it truly helps.
Thank you again for this article. I hope it at least helps fellow pastors wives realize that they’re not alone.
Hello everyone. Thankyou for this article. I read it with interest. However, as someone who has experienced a marriage breakdown due to the stresses of ministry combined with a husband who put work first, this article does not go nearly far enough. These are real women who need real answers. There are no answers in this article. There are no resources for these women and families. Telling them you will pray for them is not sufficient. The real answer is that no one in the church seems to know how to help a pastor’s family that is in crisis. When the struggles are happening, there is nowhere to turn in the church. Even the “about” section for this website says that it is for pastors and congregations – there is no mention of pastors wives and families. Pastors wives and families cannot just be lumped in with congregations or pastors. We are a separate entity. We require our own supports. Real supports. Also, many pastors wives also have their own careers (I.e. we work outside the home) both because we want to have a career and we need to contribute to the income in the household. When you have a career and you are a pastor’s wife, you have two big jobs. It is a fact. Your husband does not come to work with you and deal with your job, but you deal with his job on a daily basis. For those of you writing in in real distress, I have been there. My marriage ended in divorce and that has brought me some peace but it was not be my first choice. I must say that I have felt God’s constant presence and love through it all. I am less lonely now than during my marriage and, in the eyes of the church, am somehow an individual again, for better or worse, not just the pastor’s wife.